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Chronicles of a Poly-amorous Lesbian

by Catherine MacKenzie 6 months ago in Family
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Chapter Five

Chronicles of a Poly-amorous Lesbian
Photo by Sinitta Leunen on Unsplash

It's always one thing to know something in your mind...without a confirmation from an outside source.

It's easier...it's easier because in those moments when those thoughts plague you...even though you know it to be true...you can placate yourself...tell yourself that you're just imaging things...overthinking things...that everything is really fine.

Then comes a conversation.

I've never hidden who I am. Any part of who I am. My theory is that if you can't take me as I am...

I'm very up front with who I am...with my psychopathy...with everything. I carry myself in a way where a stranger can tell I'm not one to fuck with and have an easy time of it.

In her past, B's abusers, while not more psychopathic than violent narcissists, my brain is wired closer to theirs than a "normal" person. I do not condone by any means the things that have been done to her...I know things about why they did it...things that someone without a specific brain type wouldn't be able to understand...

I'm not a violent person. I don't let myself get to that point. I've never and will never raise my hand to my wife or B in anger...that's not me...unless you give me someone who hurt them...then that's a different story altogether.

But those that I allow into this fortress I keep around myself...you never have to worry. I'll protect you with my last breath.

And B knows that I'm willing to answer any questions she may have regarding anything...especially when it comes to that.

And during a conversation she and I were having today I was explaining something to her about the power that comes over someone when they win in psychological warfare.

After this conversation I admitted that, while I am willing to answer whatever questions she may have, it worried me that, in answering these questions, it would make her afraid of me...afraid that I would turn into them.

Her non-response and the look that came over her face said everything as if she screamed it through a mega-phone.

In that moment there was something that...I can't even explain it. I felt it in my soul. I still feel it resonating within me, rippling like a pool of white hot pain.

It isn't something that I'm used to experiencing. I feel things on a different level...it takes a lot to get to me...things do, but only if I have a significant emotional connection...and only for certain things.

And this...the confirmation that she's afraid of me for any reason...when all I want is for her (and the kids) to feel safe...to know and believe and feel that she was safe...

I'm not sure how to process this information. I don't know what to do about it. I have to work it out in my own head before I can do anything, but the problem is that I don't know how to work it out because I don't know what to expect...to do...

(14:23 central time the next day)

Before bed I spoke about the whole thing with M, my wife. She put things into perspective, as she typically does and is rather good at doing.

She asked me if I felt like I've done something wrong. Which, no...I know that I haven't done anything wrong.

She also pointed out that she's not "scared of me"...that caution and fear aren't the same thing. She's not afraid of me. She doesn't cower away from me. She doesn't flinch from me. She's not nervous around me.

These things are all true.

She is scared of people. The way she acts around the public...grocery stores...etc...she clings to one of us...

She also said something that really rang with me.

She said that I can't blame myself for her trauma responses caused by people that weren't me and that I had no control over the behaviors of.

This, of course, I knew on the logical side of thinking, but at the time, logic wasn't even near the building, let alone inside.

And that showing her is the only way to prove that I'm not going to turn out like everyone else.

So to not change what I've been doing. To not hesitate. To not pull back. Because ultimately, that would only set back progress. We would play off of each other's hesitation, neither sure, neither making any kind of move toward the other, even simple intimacy.

As I lay in bed last night I was thinking about this and decided that my wife, as usual, is correct in what she said. I have to put away any doubt, know that I haven't done anything wrong, and just keep swimming.

I've been watching her this morning.

The smile that over took her face when I told her I loved her...it's beautiful.

And it's only for us.

Family

About the author

Catherine MacKenzie

I write about murders, and murderers. I write of thoughts, confusions, victories, defeats. Of love gained and love lost. Of life in all its multi-faceted glory.

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