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Cheez-It Thief

A Truly Embarrassing Story

By Michelle JenkinsPublished 3 years ago 10 min read
Top Story - April 2021
17
"Oh no, she's only a few steps away. What do I do?! What do I do?!"

May 18, 2009

My story begins yesterday at 9am, when I woke up at my parents house and poured myself a small bowl of frosted mini-wheat cereal. A couple hours later, my parents and I left the house and headed towards the Portland International Airport. I made my way through security and found myself reading a sign, "Portland to Honolulu delayed until 1:30pm." At my gate, I sat down, pulled out my laptop, and waited patiently for nearly two and a half hours.

At 2:00pm, flight 217 from Portland to Honolulu departed. As the plane reached approved altitude and the seat belt signs turned off, the flight attendants started their venture through the aisles handing out drinks. I was thankful to see them because less than 45 minutes prior marked the onset of my hunger, and I figured I'd wait until I was on the plane to order food because I wasn't going to risk missing my flight. Finally, the flight attendant was in front of me asking what I would like. "Turkey sandwich and Diet Coke please," I requested. She replied, "That'll be eight dollars."

If I wasn't as hungry as I was, I wouldn't have paid eight dollars for a boring airplane sandwich. However, the flight was six hours long. I reached into my purse and handed the flight attendant my card. Then, she broke my heart, "Cash only." I didn't have any cash on me. She stared at me for an answer until I disappointingly replied, "Oh...okay. Never mind." I slipped my card into my jeans pocket as it occurred to me: the last time I ate was six hours prior. Now I had to wait another six to seven hours to eat again. Oh man, this is going to be a long flight.

After being denied my turkey sandwich, the woman next to me (we'll call her Army Wife) bought a platter of fruit and crackers. Army Wife's hand passed in front of my face as she handed the flight attendant seven dollars cash. I sat there, watching the flight attendant gather the platter and drinks for Army Wife, wishing that it was for me. Then, my eyes followed as the flight attendant passed the fruit and crackers directly in front of my face over to Army Wife. I turned my head to the left, looking at Army Wife. She was happily enjoying her fruit and her son was munching down from a bag of Chips Ahoy. My head was cranked as I watched them grabbing their food and carelessly placing it in their mouths. They were so content. Army Wife displayed an obnoxious smile while she shoved food into her mouth. How rude! She heard that I got denied a turkey sandwich! Could she make it any more obvious that she had no empathy for me what-so-ever?! My eyebrows furrowed. I despised her at that moment.

As the flight continued, I attempted various ways of distracting myself from the hunger shouting inside me, none of them worked. As I attempted to sleep, my eyes kept peaking open to glance over at the fruit Army Wife didn't finish and the jumbo bag of Chips Ahoy that was stowed in her son's seat pocket. My stomach felt like it was caving in, so I turned up the volume on my iPod, washing out the sound of my stomach eating away at what was left of my insides. (Dramatic, I know. Go with it.)

For the next two hours, my eyes wandered back and forth, back and forth... fruit, cookies, fruit, cookies, fruit, cookies...Wait, what's this?! Army Wife pulled a box of Cheez-Its from her bag and began crunching with pure satisfaction. Mmm...I love Cheez-Its. I bet they taste so good.Ugh, I wish my stomach would stop this hue and cry! Fruit, cookies, Cheez-Its, fruit, cookies, Cheez-Its, Cheez-Its, Cheez-Its, Cheez-Its…

Leaning my head back against the seat, I continued to eye the Cheez-Its from the bottom left corner of my eyes. I commenced making up scenarios of various ways I could ask for some Cheez-Its and what her replies might have been. I was set on the easy scenario where I would look over at her with puppy dog eyes and plead, "I'm sorry, this is really embarrassing and I wouldn't be asking you this if I wasn't extremely hungry, but could I please have some Cheez-Its?" Then, she would graciously reply, "Oh yeah Hun! Why didn't you ask earlier?" Then, we would share Cheez-Its and spend the rest of the flight sharing stories and laughing together while birds flew around us singing harmonic melodies. A small smile settled on my face and my eyes gazed into the beautiful fantasy. Snap out of it, Michelle! You know you don't have the guts to actually ask for some Cheez-Its. Hmmm. I thought of another idea! What if I asked the flight attendant for some complimentary pretzels (which I knew they didn't have) maybe Army Wife would see that I was denied for a second time and offer me some snacks! Yes! This was such a good plan!

An hour later, I saw that the flight attendant was making another round through the aisles. This is my chance! If Army Wife hears me ask for food and watches me be denied again, maybe she will offer me some Cheez-Its! I mean, if I was sitting next to someone on a plane who was clearly hungry and couldn't eat because they had no money, I would offer them some money or some food! Who wouldn't, right? Yes! The plan was going to work.

"Excuse me, ma'am, can I get..." Instantly, I was interrupted by Army Wife, "Can I get a bag of M&Ms please?" The flight attendant grabbed a bag of M&Ms and again passed it to Army Wife directly in front of my face. As Army Wife was getting her money out of her purse, the flight attendant said, "Oh, I'll be back to collect the money," and she ran off towards the front of the plane. I looked over at Army Wife sharing M&Ms with her son, while a box of Cheez-Its was near her feet, a jumbo bag of Chips Ahoy was stored in the seat pocket, and an unfinished plate of fruit was resting on Army Wife's tray table. I stared at them in disbelief. You have got to be freaking kidding me!!! They had a ton of delicious snacks and yet they kept buying more snacks without finishing what they already had! This was complete torture! Here I am, feeling weak and fragile from hunger, while these two people are in perfect bliss, numb, numb, numbing away, having the time of their lives, and I have to sit next to them and endure my stomachs outrageous cries! Seriously, F. My. Life.

As if that wasn't enough, a half hour later it dawns on me that the flight attendant never came back for the money. OH. MY. GOSH. Army Wife scored a free bag of M&Ms! What the frick! How could this get any worse!? Am I being punished for something? What the hell! The irony! This was ludicrous! I felt myself on the verge of cracking, my eyes started to water, just a little. (Again, dramatic. I know.)

BUT THEN! My moment of glory presented itself to me. The son had to use the bathroom. I stood up to let them out of our row and when I sat back down I could feel the Cheez-Its staring at me. I tried not to make eye contact, but it was too tempting. I glanced down without moving my head; the bag was open and facing me. NO WAY. This wasn't an accident. The Lord must have heard my cries. It was too perfect! I could have some and she would never know. I fixed my eyes on Army Wife's back while she waited outside the bathroom. With my eyes fixed, I leaned over and grabbed a huge fist full of Cheez-Its. Quickly, I shoved and maneuvered the entire handful into my mouth. My cheeks were stretched tight. Oh my...I've been waiting for this moment.

I was blissfully chewing when suddenly! Army Wife turned and was walking back from the restroom. Holy crap! That was too quick! Did her son even wash his hands?! OH MY GOSH! Frantically, I wiped away at my shirt, my face, my seat. Again, with frantic worry I double checked: My lap, good. My seat, good. Crumbs on my face? No. Okay, okay, there's no evidence. Crap, I'm not done chewing, I'M NOT DONE CHEWING! I lowered myself so she couldn't see my face and I quickly chewed and attempted to swallow. It wasn't working. I had way too many Cheez-Its in my mouth and my mouth was too dry to swallow them down. What was I thinking?! This was such a stupid idea! Oh no, she's only a few steps away. What do I do?! What do I do?! Close your mouth Michelle! Stop freaking out. Just act like nothing's wrong! You need to act normal, like nothing happened. I clenched my mouth shut like I had been attempting to smuggle drugs on the plane, and I was storing them in my cheeks. Except in this case, I was storing Cheez-Its in my cheeks, on top and bottom, and both sides, a mouth full.

Army Wife looked at me with intentions to squeeze past me to her seat. Carefully, I passed her a pathetic attempt at a smile and cautiously began to stand up from my seat when I noticed her eyes darted down. I looked down at my lap and didn't see anything, I turned my head to look towards the seat and there it was... My throat fell into my stomach. One Cheez-It was descending to the seat below, ONE little Cheez-It! In slow motion, the Cheez-It hit the seat. BOOM. Bounced up, then came back down, BOOM, and rocked from side to side, as little crumbs broke off and the one little Cheez-It settled into place.

Frozen, I stared at the Cheez-It. Army Wife stared at the Cheez-It. Army wife looked towards me. I looked back at Army Wife. She stared at me for 5 long seconds. Her eyebrows pulled together, creating wrinkles in the gap in between, and her lips pressed in a solid hard line. I didn't move, waiting for her to say something. I knew she knew. She knew, that I knew, that she knew. I stood in place with that,"I've just been caught," demeanor. In a look of pure disgust, she shook her head at me in that, "I never want to see your face ever again," kind of way. The same way it feels when you're in trouble with your parents, but instead of yelling at you, they don't speak or look at you for the rest of the day. Disappointment, the harshest form of punishment.

I dropped my head in shame.

Army Wife directed her son to his seat, then she followed, and I took my seat next to her, sitting like a dog with her tail between her legs. We all locked our seat belts, and sat in tense horrible silence for the rest of the flight. Never in my life, have I ever been so embarrassed. But, I do have to say, those were the best Cheez-Its I've ever had!

Embarrassment
17

About the Creator

Michelle Jenkins

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