Changing Heroes

Mom.

A secret is something not known or seen, or something that isn't meant to be known or seen by others. It is something that is hidden from someone else, on purpose, for malicious purposes or protection. Malicious like the few times land was promised to Dad, but then sold to another without his knowledge. Protection like when you didn't tell your friend her swimsuit was see through in hopes to spare her feelings when you were young. I think that my secret isn't malicious but not fully for protection. My secret is because of embarrassment and understanding as I am now a mother like you.

My secret is that I liked dad more when I was growing up. Did you know this? Is it even that big of a secret?

Mom, I have felt so different from you for so long. You are blunt, I am sensitive. You faced your problems head on, I stewed with them in my head and heart and bottled them away. You pushed me to do things that I did not want to do and I still feel anxieties from that today.

Let's start with Clogging. Oh I hated that stupid tap dance crap. Wednesdays in Elementary were torturous because I knew I would have to go to Clogging once school was over. The girls were so rude, so much cuter than me, and acted so much better than me. I was always put in the corner. When we did a Wizard of Oz dance, I was a Scarecrow and was told by all the "Dorothy's" that they didn't play with Scarecrows. It made me cry and it makes me cry today.

I hated Softball, Basketball, and Volleyball. I know you played them in Highschool and did very well, but I didn't do well. I couldn't make any baskets in Basketball. I'd rather have a sheep charge at me on the farm than a Softball thrown. Don't get me started on Volleyball. I was self conscious of my legs and now I had to wear spandex. I had anxiety about letting the team down. My "friend" was brutal to me because I wasn't into the sport as much as she was. It all sucked and I still feel that today.

I remember every year for Christmas you would give me an option between a Sewing Machine and something else, like a gun safe, or a rifle, or some art supplies, and I ALWAYS picked something else. Didn't you get the hint? I am not a sewer like you. I took the FACS classes in Middle School and High School and I didn't care for them. I was a good sewer in 7th grade, but didn't gain any new skills by the time 10th grade came along.

We got along a bit when it came to the horses. Rodeo, Rodeo Queening, 4H, Working Cow Horses, etc. I didn't feel as involved as you though. I didn't want to be a winning barrel racer like you. I didn't really care for the shows. Even when it came to training horses, the only one that I liked to train for myself, you hated.

Mom, I wanted to be like dad. I was more like him anyway. I could sit and talk to him for hours about the farm, FFA, or Hunting. I told him about my dreams of owning a farm, what college I wanted to go to, the hunts I wanted to go on, all of it. When I left for college I cried because I wasn't with my dad anymore. I called him every day. I didn't call you.

Harsh?

Mom, I look back and realize how much of a positive influence you were on me. You made me do things that I didn't want to do, just for a short while, because you felt it was important. You knew it would make me a better person.

I remember a few more things about Clogging. Like that time you didn't know it was canceled and you dropped me off. The door was locked and I didn't have a cell phone. So I found a warm piece of metal to sit on in the early spring and I dozed off. You came and picked me up and I could tell you felt bad, even at that young age. I don't know if it was the entire hour, but I know it was long enough that you felt inadequate. As a mom myself, I know I would, and it was just a little mistake. I also remember when I told you I wanted to quit Clogging and you asked me if I was completely sure. I told you I was, and there may have been a little bit of relief on your face. Looking back I can see that it may have been because you didn't have to go to anymore stupid dance recitals and buy those stupid costumes and waste money on me when I finally decided I didn't like it. You made me make that decision though.

There wasn't relief when I told you I didn't want to play sports though. There was a little disappointment, but again, you let me make that decision.

With the horses, you pushed me as I always liked them, and if I liked them I might as well compete. It was a lot of hard work and a little dangerous. Like that time when I was 8 and our horse Sport fell on me. I could have died. I didn't though, and when I saw you after the accident, you were so calm that I didn't think anything was wrong. Dad tells me you cried all the way to the hospital, but I didn't see it. You didn't want me to be scared.

After that I was scared of horses, but you knew I needed to get over that fear. You were with me every step of the way. You bought me new horses when mine grew old. You were there for every belt buckle, crown, ribbon, and saddle that was won. You coached me, and loved me, and made me do hard things. Even when you hated my last horse that I trained, you still paid for the feed, water, competitions, and vet bills that I couldn't afford.

Remember when I said I cried in college because I left dad and not you? Well, I didn't tell you it's because I don't like you, it's because you taught me how to be strong. When I spoke to you on the phone, 300 miles away from home that first day being gone, your voice was calm and encouraging. At that moment I felt as if I could do anything. That moment I could see all the wonderful things you did for me as a child that prepared me to leave home and make my own life.

Things changed in college. Mom, we do have things in common and as I have grown older I find myself calling you more than dad at times. . . Did you know that Dad is kind of a grumpy person? Also, if something isn't HIS idea, then he acts weird and put-out about it. You've never been like that. You've always given your opinion and let me decide and then backed me up on that decision.

When I found Cade and knew he was the one I wanted to marry, dad was angry for a long time but you were encouraging from the very beginning. When I talked to you about my career choices, you always gave me great insight and led me down the right paths. When I was dealing with girl problems like frequent UTI's, pregnancy, birth control, and having kids, you were always there when I needed you. You still are.

Secrets are things not known or seen. You're smart, so you might know and see that my love for you has grown, but I haven't actually said it. Mom, I want to be with you more and more. I don't want to sew, but I want to be in the room with you while you sew. Horses are too expensive for me to own, but I'll always be there to ride if you have an extra. If you asked me to go play some sport right now, I know I would be made fun of for my lack of athleticism, but I'd go with you.

Dad was my hero growing up, but now that I am an adult myself, my hero has changed to you.