Bullshitting the Bullshitter

Tis the 4th Day of the 20th week in the Year of Lord

Is there a more extra way to state the date? If there is you should have told me before I wrote this. I'm laughing becuase if you read that without a British accent you're joyless and I need you to get right. The english language allows us no shortage of ways to bullshit. Unfortunately I have been doing this kind of bullshitting my whole life. I could have started this piece with “Today” or given the actual date in plain English May 19, 2022 but as one who loves to agitate, I find it worth while to find annoyingly long ways to say things, so long as it makes the sentence flow like water and sound too eloquent for the more practical and less well read among us to replicate. See what I did there.

I found a long way to say I say things the long way. I have done this solely for razzle dazzle and to feed the small snob in me that likes to get under people's skin. People who may not know as many facts as I do but know things I don’t that are useful and valuable. People who can do things I can’t that are mind-blowing. But not everyone used to get in trouble for reading at night instead of sleeping through-out adolescence. The only thing I can attribute my vast vocabulary too is my reading habit. Yet in the grand scheme, more words complicate things. Especially in our heads.

I am beyond proud of my education, not that I think it’s fair or right how the system works. (College is a tough investment for me to get behind.) I am now just proud I finished. I used to think being educated and intelligent made me special and better. It really just turned me into a prideful ass. And gave me a way to come up with more complex justifications for my less than shiny behavior.

But we do this with our lives. We dress up our bad habits with fancy words to make us feel better. We make up excuses.

"I'm only human."

"This is just the way I am."

We say we are socially drinking when we use alcohol to cope. We say we are finding ourselves when we’re sleeping around avoiding our loneliness. We say we are happy when we aren’t. We say we don't like people when we are just afraid of being hurt by them.

We is me. Has been me. Still could be me.

I want to cultivate a world where it’s ok to call things what they are. To admit to mistakes. To be honest about our feelings. To not have to keep secrets. This world of open communication would bring healing to our planet in a way that could save it. We need honesty in our communities. We need honesty in our homes. We need honesty with our selves. These things lead to healing. When we accept the ugly truth without trying to dress it up we can learn from it and adjust.

Ugly truth time, no bells or whistles. I cheated on my ex. We were together for 2 years. We lived together. I could tell you how he treated me as if nothing I did was right. How he had something negative to say about everything about me. About how he called me weak. About the hellish way we started dating.

None of it matters. Legit. I want it to but it doesn't.

I made a decision to do the wrong thing out of spite. Wrong decision. Dead ass wrong for what I did. Let’s not make me a martyr. I should have left. Period.

Once I took accountability for my part in our failed relationship I was finally able to start healing. Smiling was hard for a while. I smile often now, struggle or no struggle.

Let’s not bullshit ourselves. Let’s not bullshit each other. Let’s love in honesty, fuck ups or not, only we can change the world.