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Being Honest with Myself

by S Emiley McLennan 6 months ago in Embarrassment · updated 6 months ago
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Self-Reflection; Decked Out 1st Article's Card Draw ~ It Flopped, then Flipped. ;)

The 3-Card Draw that Flipped Upright <3

I truly love to write. Nothing fully replaces pen in hand, and a nice unruined notepad you still cherish and try hard for — akin to a new pair of shoes. Sad to say, this entry, as you can see based on my messy handwriting, this notebook has already been deemed "ruined, but still useable." Too much unworthy and messy content written. Still fresh pieces left, so I mustn't waste. A new pad is in my horizon. Puns intended, please God.

I do have to admit I have a tablet and a Lenovo Pen, where I can write on the touchscreen... And I do really enjoy it. The experience is getting close to being replaced — but still find it's a little messy and more challenging. Almost, tech, almost.

Why am I here?

Well, I want to write, so I chose a topic today that would be easy to talk about — because I'm new with Tarot decks and readings — I have one, and there's lots for me to learn and experience, as well as offer people. If I get more confident in the meanings of the cards and myself, I wouldn't mind offering readings as an entertainment/just-for-fun or self-discovery/reflection experience.

I'm not going to be a person who spams people and claims to know all. I'm Real. If I actually have some oracular or other-worldly, spiritual experience with messages, the readings, or something — I'll relay it; but I will not go around advertising I'm able to solve or know anything, much less everything.

I am open-minded, mind you, so also believe — f*** — anything is possible. So, who freaking knows?

I remember when I still had the kids — it was just before shit really hit the fan — I was walking with a little one (why not all three ~ schooltime perhaps?) and we're behind the car dealership I bought the Chevy Impala (cop car) from on Montreal Road in — now the much more personally familiar — Vanier in Ottawa, Ontario.*

*I'm a resident of Ottawa now and have been since 2019. While living in Gatineau with the kids — I did have a few intimate interactions with Ottawa but never got to know it well. Mind you, we did drive in Ottawa every day, taking my ex to and from work at the steel factory, Ideal Roofing. I often drove through, got my oil changes, and had a few doctor's appointments.*

And while walking to the car from the park, I stepped on a little card. It said something to the likes of: "You are a Starseed!" and some intriguing text, along with contact info. It piqued my interest enough that I Googled "Starseed" and actually had an odd feeling about the card. I may have even called the number, to no avail.

Anyways, this "Starseed" card I found wraps this story back to my decks of cards and the article journalling series I am thinking of creating: Decked Out. To get me started today, I wrote an intro article to at least write something, doing a quick comparison of regular playing cards to the Tarot deck. It's not a topic I'm overly passionate about, or more frankly: Give two f***s about, but figured an intro on facts and card decks would be a good start, and would serve as a suitable stall tactic until I figure out where to take the next entry.

I wanted to include a 3-card draw for the conclusion of the article, and even drew the cards, took a picture, and typed out the cards I drew in the article. But when I went to the Guidebook and read its meaning, it was too negative to include. It was honest, negative, and uncomfortably relevant. So, I erased the conclusion that I was hoping to be my "closing card-draw concluding paragraph" ritual, and submitted/completed the first article entry excluding this part because it was too negative, embarrassing, shame-inducing, and/or honest to admit.

So... Yes, three cards — innocent, stupid me — guilty of faking happy and interest ~ albeit with good intentions and true interest in the Light Seer's Tarot cards — for fun, and for something to potentially share got a stick in my wheel and rejected by my first shot. Let's get clear: Writing and my Tarot interest is not about "being read", successful, or making money either. I am being genuine, but that topic was definitely misaligned with me and my life.

But, sometimes, when you're a loser, it also kind of is about "being read", being successful, and making money. I need my kids to see something — and sadly enough, success, reach, impact, virality, published or produced content, etc. is part of it. I am for the most part humble, low-maintenance, and truly impartial to personal attention or crazy money — but when it comes to my kids; and especially on the days life sucks and everyone in the world (including me) hate myself — it'd be nice to have some solid reinforcement or milestones/achievements.

The children deserve more than I can provide at this time. Probably more than I ever can... But, and I'm repeating myself here, I am an open-minded person and believe Everything/Anything is possible. Amen.

So, let's get to this shame-inducing, too honest three-card draw and see what I'm ashamed or too shy to share. *Gulps*. I shouldn't have taken a picture. -"Self, you suck." -"Yes, love, I know."

Interesting. This is unplanned and truly by accident — I just pulled up the picture on my phone to see the cards and now all of the cards are in the upright position (see title picture); whereas the initial draw, they were all reversed, which obviously gives a completely different reading. I did edit and flip the picture before sending it to my laptop, but my honest intention was to send it as it was drawn.

Original draw; 7 Swords, Queen of Pentacles, and Magician, all reversed.

Although I didn't intend to misrepresent the initial draw, I may have just had a bout of great luck and this new spread may be trying to redeem me. Let's see what the new reading would be. Magician, Queen of Pentacles, 7 of Swords. I seen the 7 as a 9 in my notepad, so wrote 9 — so we will include my written typo: 9 of Swords as well.

The Guidebook has a really positive and relevant answer (I'll include in a moment) ~ a perfect reading to be included with my first article of the Decked Out series.

But, let's first pay respect to the written title and purpose of this writing: Being Honest with Myself and Self-Reflection, and see what I am paranoid or uneasy about. The following list brings me shame, feelings of fear, and/or guilt — enough to decide not to include it in my article, and to scrap my idea of a 3-card draw ritual. I had thoughts of drawing another three cards, but I thought that would be kind of lame and truly unauthentic. So, here goes nothing.

- Financial Stress - Being self-absorbed - Smothering Others - Helicopter Parenting * - Overindulgence * - Work-Home Imbalances - Materialism - Unused Potential - Latent* talent - Questionable intentions - Manipulation* -Selfishness - Unfocused or Blocked Creative Energy - Lying to self/others - Need for perspective and honesty - Secrets - Something Stolen - Taking more than fair share - Being Held Back - Imposter Syndrome

9 of Swords (wrote by accident) - Paranoia - Deeply-anchored fears - Inability to think clearly - INNeR TuRmoiL - Negative self-talk affecting self-esteem - **AN OPPoRtuNity to BeGiN the Healing Journey**

Thanks to a photo flip and great luck, I now have a reading I can include in Decked-Out. Magician: skill, natural talents, power of manifestation, creativity, resourcefulness. Queen of Pentacles: HealeR, working parent, selF-made person, material wealth and abundance, strength in family and community, a kind and nurturing heart, groundedness, being down-to-earth, generosity. 7 & 9 of Swords: deception, betrayal, taking only what's needed, Universe bearing witness to true intentions, getting away with something, being strategic, being grateful for resources you have, moving silently and quickly. Nightmares, worry, feelings of depression and anxiety, insomnia, fear, an opportunity to find courage and time to focus on safety and things going well in your life.

My neck is sore — I have poor posture regularly, but much more so when writing or typing. So, I must exit. Au Revoir.

Happy to say that outro was in the "just useable" notebook, the written copy; and since I've been typing, my neck (but not posture, I'm afraid) is doing just fine.

I hope to update Decked-Out — Journaling Series with Light Seer's Tarot Cards, Starseed Oracle, and more, with the new reading which matches the picture seen in the title page. I am glad that, although I am still burdened with sketchy attachments or paranoid thoughts/uneasy feelings about those negative attributes that at least I was brave enough to face it in my journal, share it online, and am still eager to continue my initial writing plan.

If you got this far, I would suggest reaching out. We could chat, I could answer any questions, or elaborate more on a topic of your choice. Thanks for sticking through. Farewell.

Embarrassment

About the author

S Emiley McLennan

Writer, Entrepreneur, Transcriptionist, and Beginner Tarot Guide/Mentor. Owner and Operator of Copycat Services. Currently working on a writing project: Decked-Out — journaling and exploring the Light Seer's Tarot and Starseed Oracle cards.

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