Be Yourself

This incident happened around when I was 15 years old. School was on Summer Break and I was home alone of course because that’s when all crazy shit happens. I was on the computer, playing around and goofing off when I got the insane idea to create a fake Facebook account. Now don’t ask me why, I have no idea why I did it. Maybe it was because of boredom or perhaps it was because I wanted to be someone I wasn’t even if it was for just temporarily. At school, I had trouble socializing. I have mild Asperger’s syndrome and it was extremely difficult to connect properly with other students. The thing is back around that time, thank God I wasn’t really a shy, nervous or self-conscious person. I was actually a very confident person. The problem was I was too confident. I was ignorant and would say things without thinking. I didn’t have a filter. I wasn’t trying to be rude, it was completely innocent but innocent or not that doesn’t make anything I said any less hurtful. I was quite a judgemental person. I was brutally honest with people and would say outrageous things. I honestly wasn’t trying to be a jerk, it just came across that way. Despite my brutally honest mouth, I wasn’t a bully to anyone. I was a nice person who said some stupid stuff. Moving on, I was quite well known at my school. Not necessarily in a good way. I was the weird girl, and it’s strange because by my confident demeanor you would think I was super popular, but I wasn’t. I hung out with many girls, but I don’t think I’d ever consider any of them as my real friends. I only had about two to three real friends who I could trust. I would get bullied. A LOT. I never showed it though. If someone would pick on me, I’d pick right back at them. I never let someone walk all over me, and if I could describe myself I’d say I was fearless. Nothing seemed to affect me. The students would call me names, and try to put me down in the worst ways possible, but I never let them get to me, and I think that upset them. After a while, they just got bored. Don’t get me wrong, they didn’t completely stop, but they dialed it down a notch. I think mainly because I just didn’t care. I was trying to always fit in with the popular group. I would socialize with the popular students, I signed up and got accepted into the cheerleading team though it was very brief. I would go to birthday parties and school dances every chance I got. In fact, at the school dances, I was the one asking all the guys to dance. I even went against the most popular girl in the school to be class president and spoke in front of the whole school, of course, I didn’t win, but looking back at some of the things I did and said I don’t know whether to be impressed or just cringe. Though I never appeared to be upset about the way people treated me or bullied me, I think deep down I was beyond upset and sad. I remember when I would have a bad day sometimes I would just break down and cry never understanding why people treated me so poorly. Though looking back, I can see why. I was the black sheep. The school I went to was in the neighborhood so everyone who went there knew each other except me. Since it was my first time at that school and I never really had anyone my age living right next to me, I was completely new. And the students that went there grew up together. Also, I was considered weird because of my social issues. Getting back to the story, it was Summer break. School was out and I was at home doing my typical routine, just sitting like a couch potato on the computer, going on the iPad, or watching T.V. when I got this crazy idea to create a fake Facebook account of a hot girl. I was curious and wanted to see how people from my school would react on Facebook if it were some extremely attractive-looking girl, so I set up a fake Facebook account, created a new name, and got a photo of some gorgeous teenager from google. Then that’s when the fun begins. I began adding all my “friends” from school and started messaging them either flirting or just having conversations. And I must admit for the time it lasted, it was fun. I liked the way how everyone treated this new “me”. I messaged the bullies and would say cringe-worthy, and embarrassing things. Of course, everyone accepted my friend request. The guys were flirting back, and everything was going well. After a while I got bored and nervous I would be caught because people wanted to start video chatting with “me”, so I planned to take down the account. Right before I was going to take it down I posted “Just shit my pants” because I was going to take it down anyway, and thought it would be funny, because all these guys were flirting with “me” and I thought it would be hilarious, and I could go out with a bang. I was going to delete the account quickly after because even though it wasn’t really me, it still would feel embarrassing to see the notifications. I don’t know why I’m like that, as you can probably tell I’m weird! Right when I was going to delete the account, I notice that I have a message. So I open it up, and that’s when my heart sinks. It was one of the popular guys and he said “Why does your email address say c*****?” I didn’t realize it would show my email to the public! My email had my name in the title and I’m the only one that went to that school with my name. I made up a HORRIBLE lie and said that it was my dog’s name. He didn’t respond back. I was absolutely mortified. Soon word got around and everyone pretty much knew it was me. I was beyond embarrassed and regretted it SO BAD. Then the day I was dreading came. The first day back at school. I hold my breath and walk down the halls with my head down, praying no one would say anything. School was almost over. I was walking on eggshells the whole day, paranoid someone would say something about the fake account, but luckily no one did, so I thought. It was towards the end of school and I only had a couple more periods to finish up. I was counting the clock, not sure why because I’d have to face them every day forward. When I was walking down the hall, one of the popular guys approaches me. He gives me a strange look and snickers something like “Did you clean up your little accident?” Confused, I don’t say anything. Then he says “You know since you pooped your pants.” He starts laughing. I wanted to crawl under a hole. I put my head down and quickly walk away. Then in my next class, I hear whispers and giggles behind me. I don’t dare turn around. The rest of the day people were poking fun of creating a fake Facebook account and “pooping my pants”. I got tired of explaining everything about the fake Facebook account and eventually, the humiliation just turned to anger. Another guy from my homeroom mentioned it, and I finally just snap. “What can I say? Shit happens.” His mouth drops open in disgust and shock, but I was too angry and annoyed to care. I walked off. The school wasn’t the same for about the next couple of weeks. Eventually, the rumors died down, and only once in a great while would someone bring up that incident again. That was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life, and hopefully the last. Luckily at the time, it was embarrassing but it wasn’t horrifying. Though since then I’ve gained a lot of social anxiety and have self-esteem issues so if it were to happen to me now, then it would be a different story. I would probably never go to that school ever again, because who I was then and who I am now are completely different people. I’ve changed dramatically. I’m very aware of what I say now, in fact too aware. I’m the exact opposite of how I was. I’m constantly afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. I overthink and worry about everything. It went from one extreme to the other extreme. I barely say two words to anyone, because my social anxiety is so terrible. I worry about how I eat, walk, sit, talk, breathe. Not kidding. I’m living in constant fear of judgment, and I don’t know why or when it all changed. My self-esteem is horrible now, I have extremely low self-confidence, and I’m not sure why. It could be because I gained a lot of weight since then. Or it could be because I have PCOS which causes extreme hair growth which is embarrassing especially as a woman. Though those can be parts of why I am the way I am now, I think something emotionally must have happened to have had this much of a drastic change. I will say this. I miss how I felt before. I miss not caring and being confident, unaware, and happy, BUT I don’t miss the way people used to treat me and I don’t miss who I was, because I am a better person because of what I’ve gone through. I don't regret being bullied, my weight gain, PCOS, etc.. because it made me who I am today. I’ve been in other people’s shoes now so I know how it feels to be made fun of, or being overweight, or having problems public speaking. Before I didn’t understand. I was ignorant of certain situations, but now I get it. I don’t judge anyone anymore. Before, I barely had any friends, but I had way more enemies. Now that I barely talk, I have no enemies but also no friends. I guess sometimes you just have to pick and choose. Life is a brutal teacher, but my God do you learn. Lately I've been trying to step out of my comfort zone and just be myself, and though there are people who hate and judge, I learned to just not care about their opinions anymore. I think I'm finally finding my middle ground, and I notice I'm happier this way. It get's so exhausting trying to be someone you're not and fight for others' constant approval. If this incident taught me anything it's don't be afraid to be yourself, because you're an original and an original is worth more than a copy. Don't be like me and create a fake Facebook account to become someone else or to live someone else life. Look how that turned out. Though I was happy how people treated "me" when I was pretending to be someone else, it wasn't real. It was fake. I rather have a real, genuine relationship and be myself than a fake one where I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. I learned that I don't have to be someone else or a gorgeous supermodel to be liked or to "fit in" because I haven't faked a Facebook account since then, and I'm way happier now than I ever was pretending to be someone else. I'm happiest when I'm truest to myself and I find that there are still people who accept and love me for me. It doesn't matter whether I fit in or not. The people that make history are the ones who stand out and do something unique/different, because they aren't afraid to be themseleves. Beauty won't last, so the people who only accept others just for their looks are doomed for an unhappy relationship, and I don't want to be around someone like that anyway. Those who don't accept you shouldn't matter to you, and those who do accept you won't care because they love you for you. Embrace who you are, and don't feel ashamed to be unique. Remember, in order to be irreplaceable one must always be different.