Bastard

Bastard

You hated me before you ever knew me. When I met you there was a chemistry, a tango between us and we both felt it. Only one of us mistook it for love. The first night I saw you I thought “He’s exactly my type.” You’re the exact replica of what I would typically go for. The bass of your voice shook my soul. There was an innocence you embodied.. Played shy in the beginning, then I discovered the demonic tendencies. I stayed even though I should have ran. I lingered, waiting for you to change for me.. You don’t. I was silly, delusional, and desperate for someone to love. I don’t regret any of it. Like a rose my love for you grew, but you cut my stems and left me to fend for myself. You switched up the roles and you began to be my biggest enemy. It all started when I told you I was pregnant. I was naive… Thinking that you would love me if I carried your child, but you don’t. It’s as if you started to hate me even more. When I realized you’d never love me I let go of hoping for love, but I started to grow it within myself. So thank you, bastard, for not being anything I needed. That deep voice you carry used to put me in a trance. The love spell you casted upon me is gone and now I see your true colors. You were both a curse and a blessing, but now you’re nothing to me. Quite frankly you are dead to me; I know everyone told me not to wish death upon you, so I won’t. I wish you the life you deserve. 

I remember a time you told me you loved me and it was disturbing. It was during a certain sexual act and it felt as if you loved me like a boy loved his toy. That still hurts me to this day. The damage you’ve done to me only installed new renovations inside of me. You didn’t destroy me, you can’t get rid of me. My soul will always be intact, I will always be whole. Your demons will catch up to you. I’ve taken my energy back; you have nothing left of me. I’m done protecting you. 

I’m sorry your father and sister sexually assaulted you. Maybe even your mother. I’m sorry you couldn’t believe me when I told you I cared about you. I’m sorry you don’t know how to love yourself. I’m sorry for your losses.. I’m sorry that you can’t enjoy your wins because you will never feel like you truly deserve them. I’m sorry you’re fucked up, but guess what, none of that is my fault. All of those things have to do with you and your roller coaster of a life, which keep in mind, we all have a life that is like a roller coaster. 

“Pain is inevitable”

“Misery is a choice”  

                                   ~Daniel caesar

“Stop being a pussy”

                                   ~Naia Lyons

In all seriousness. Stop being weak; own up to your bull shit. Own up to your flaws. Be accountable. This is what life is about; it’s about learning something from each and every experience you have gone through. No, it’s not about having all the answers, at least not in my story. My life is about experiencing life with an open mind, not a full mind. Yes, I’m the ego, but I’m also the spirit. I will never forget either one. You shouldn’t either. I’ve analyzed you for a year and 8 months and it’s clear you’re a narcissist. You feel like you need other people’s energy to survive. You feel like you have to use people to get what you want, but at the same time you want everyone to like you. You pretend to be whoever you need to be in that moment to fit in and relate to just about anyone. There’s times when it’s harder for you to fake it. You come off as rude or irritable at the smallest, most mundane things. Through all of this I loved you so much. Through your mental wars, through your numbness. Through everything you’ve handed to me. I can admit I was a fool, but I will never feel ashamed for loving you. It was my best work yet; I’ll give myself my own flowers since you never could.