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Are You Watching?

I've never shared...

By Caitlin MitchellPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
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Are You Watching?
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

Mom, there are a few things I’ve never shared with you before.

I’ve never shared that on my eleventh birthday, Dad threw me the best birthday party ever. He invited all of my friends and we spent the evening painting our nails and doing facials. He even bought a special cake that was my favorite color- pink. He worked so hard, and I still get emotional when I think about it.

I’ve never shared that on my first day of high school the skirt of my cheerleading uniform got stuck inside my underwear, and I walked the halls for five minutes before one of Jake’s friends saw and stood behind me while I fixed it. I don’t think I’ve ever blushed so hard in my life.

I’ve never shared that Dad got remarried. Sharon is incredible; she fit perfectly into our family. She is so kind, and she loves us so much. We love her too, and I suppose that’s all you can really ask for: to love and be loved. She even holds my hand when I miss you.

I’ve never shared that I got my first kiss when I was sixteen. It was in a boy’s room, and Dad was waiting outside in the car, honking for me to come out. At the time, it was magical, but that same boy would break my heart in two years. I was devastated.

I’ve never shared that I cried when I didn’t get into a single college. I cheered for my friends as they shared their acceptance letters, and smiled as I signed up for community college, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my life. It was horrible staying back and watching them go on adventures without me.

I’ve never shared that I fell in love for the first time Sophomore year. He was sweet, and familiar, and I fell into a rhythm with him that comforted me. I even ended up transferring to the same school he went to. I think you would have liked him, at least until he stopped buying me flowers. I learned a lot.

I’ve never shared that all of those same friends who went off to college came back for my own graduation. They sat in the audience when I finally walked across that stage and cheered louder than anyone else in the room. Jake and his friends were there, too. They all took me out to celebrate that night, and I’m not sure I can think of a moment in my life where I’ve felt more loved.

I’ve never shared that Jake got married to a wonderful girl named Becca. I know you would have loved her. We went to New York to pick out her dress. The wedding was on a gorgeous June day, right by the water, and I got to be the maid of honor. We even saved a seat for you right up front with your name on it.

I’ve never shared that on the day you died, I was too young. Ten years old is a horrible time to lose a mother; young enough to lose so much time together, and yet old enough to remember all that you were. You talked in your sleep while we watched over you in your hospital bed. I think it was the pain medication talking, but you spoke of painting classes and dress shopping and surfing. Maybe somehow, God was showing you all of the things you were going to miss. Maybe you’ve been with us this entire time, watching over us from that little hospital bed.

I’ve never shared, Mom, that I’m happy despite it all. I’ve made memories, and met wonderful people, and learned so many new things that sometimes there isn’t even room for the grief. Something still happens every day that I wish I could tell you about, even the small things: the way the sun slanted in through the windows this morning. The way my cat purrs when I hold him in my arms. The way my tea tasted just right today, even though I steeped it for too long. The way that the older I get the more I look like you, and sometimes when I look in the mirror it feels like you’re looking back at me.

I’ve never shared that I wish you could’ve been here to see it all. I’ve never shared that I will always feel you in those moments.

But I have shared how much I love you, and always will.

Keep watching, Mom. Until we see each other again.

Love,

Caiti

Family
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About the Creator

Caitlin Mitchell

Just a 20-something writer trying to get all her ideas down on one page before moving on to the next.

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