Another moment, lost.

"I wish I had cancer... so I have something to blame other than myself." These are the words I would whisper under my breath in between my mess.

Sitting on that cold bathroom counter holding a tiny compact mirror to see the back of my head. The only sounds were the scissors clicking and my slightly elevated breathing from the anxiety that kicked in. Zoned out to time, to reality, to the world. One hour! Two hours! Tik tok! By hour three I would come back to whatever place I was in, trapped by complete evil and self sabotage. I suddenly felt I had completed my task, my desire to find perfection, with my pure willingness to give it all I had with nothing left to give. When I came to, I would panic. I would try to catch my breath and understand myself. I would question where my time went. I tried to slow my mind. How did this happen, again? Why me? Why now? Who am I anymore? Who is that girl in the mirror? In complete disgust and horror, I saw her face covered in fear and regret. My heart breaks piece by piece, not knowing how the devil continues to wrap me in his arms and steal my mind in moments lost in time.

There's a sensation, a throbbing, a numbness. That's the feeling I am left with. The callus on my fingers from the grabbing and the gripping. My eyes were sore and dry from not blinking from the deep focus for perfection, even though it was my mind that was in control. My empty stomach begging me for fuel. Thirsty, cold and so much sadness. The huge mess left on the counter, in the sink, on the floor and all over me. Sometimes, on my clothes, sometimes on my cold, vulnerable and naked body. I would have an immediate urge to get in the shower and wash the mess off, maybe then it didn't really happen. But instead, I would wipe myself clean, wrap my head in a towel and run into my room before my roommates investigated.

The mental numbness would wear off, but the physical lasted longer. I hated coming to. I hated knowing what had just happened, but the worst was it didn't just happen to me, I did this. I hated knowing I was torturing my mind. My heart. My soul. I hated knowing I was breaking myself. Tearing bit by bit of who I was into tiny little worthless shreds. "I wish I had cancer... so I would have something to blame other than myself." My last thoughts before I drifted off to sleep. Praying and begging God to heal me. Protect me. Fix me.

"Wake up! It's time to get ready for work. You don't get to be weak. You don't get to be sad. Or angry. And you most definitely do not have cancer." This is how I would start my mind. I would remind myself of my worth and my strengths. My control and my grace. I was lost for a moment, but I am here now. Those are the things I would tell myself. I would recharge and be the girl I once knew. Confident, beautiful smile and powerful. No evil would get a hold of me today. Right? Be right.... I cannot live through this again.

That was just one moment. I have lived through so many moments like this. Over time I went from a happy, beautiful girl with long hair to a broken, lost and overpowered nobody. That's what it felt like. So many moments lost and only to feel more and more broken, was killing the real me. This started over 10 years ago now. I was in my 20's, vulnerable, weak but unstoppable. So I thought. There is a deeper story behind my weak mind, but what I have learned over the years is that I am not controlled by evil, I became who God wanted me to be. I am more confident and pure than I have ever been. I love more than I hate. I give more than I have and I do my best to let go. Although it feels I will never be healed and rid of my mental trap, I have learned how to love myself through it. I have learned that this is not something I am going through, but something I am living with. I have accepted that I am allowed to feel weak but through this I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I found a man that loves me just the same and supports me through the mess and the rest. His strength and love has allowed my heart to heal leaving me in a much better place mentally. I will continue to be stronger for myself, my husband and my children. I will fight my battles with faith and love. When I feel overpowered by my mind, I will take the time to heal. The devil does not exist in my world, God only uses me to strengthen those that seek perfection. We are all imperfect in our own flawed ways, which is where perfection comes from. Stay unique, authentic and pure.