Anguish as a Second Language

So...

Jake Paul beat Mike Tyson; Taylor Swift is beating Toronto into submission...and I am looking at the end of another semester.

Usually, I would feel as if I could write something funny and make you all imagine that I love my job despite all the problems and nonsense I've dealt with over several semesters. That was my plan. But now, it feels like this passing year won't allow it. It feels as though I have to be honest about my real feelings over work.

This year has wrecked me.

It is not that I have had to deal with worse students than usual, or that the administration at the college is issuing demands for the classes that cannot be met. What is bringing me down is the general mood of things in the classroom. Yes, I said that the students are no worse than before, but they are no longer even bothering to show up for lessons. I have had the experience of walking into classes on days when we have had tests or presentations to find that there is not a single soul in the room. And I am not alone in this. Other teachers are finding that the students we now have are not worse at doing the work; they are just indifferent. This is all across the board in every type of class. I handle languages and writing, but I know that the ones handling computer science and law are also dealing with the same problem.

Is it a problem of tech addiction? Is it due to the stress of knowing that the government has changed the rules for our international students? Or do they just not like me? I would like to select the latter, but students - the ones who have bothered to appear - have told me that they do like me and that they appreciate the effort I make. But nothing more.

Teaching is a performance. You are an entertainer, an instructor, a guide, and often a counselor. If the audience or subject does not respond to you, you only have a part of your job done. It is a give and take that needs to have both sides in play. I never wanted to be like the professors and teachers I had in school who were so completely indifferent to the attitude of their students that they could give a three-hour lecture without asking any questions or responding to the yawns and eye rolls in front of them. I need to read the room and I hope to not leave anyone behind...but this is hard to do.

I was once asked what was the hardest part of my job. I was honest and said that dealing with the administration was the biggest challenge. Some of the interrogators were quite surprised by this. They thought that dealing with the students would be the biggest obstacle. But I like being in the classroom. I enjoy the usual atmosphere of questioning and answering that I need to feel that I have done my job. That is better than anything I have seen on a personal assessment or paycheque.

But what do I do when that is not there?

What is my job now?

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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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