And the Table said "Pssst!"

Based on true events.

~~~

My housemate had moved to New York taking with her all the furniture, so there I was once again living in an empty apartment.

Knucky: oh boy

Jay: you can say that again

~

“Jorgelina! You have to buy a table!” my therapist says when in an explosion of laughter I tell her that my spaghetti is vacating my plate floating on tomato sauce because my cardboard table is crooked and spaghetti just LUV to follow the law of gravity and slide onto my tablecloth.

Anyhoo.

And let’s not talk about the glass of water that spills over

spills over

spills over.

~

“You have to buy a table!!” Mary insists session after session.

“What do you mean ‘I have to buy a table’?? I don’t do ‘that,’ ok?”

~

My dear mother had drilled in my poor little head: ”The word ‘shopping’ does not exist in our vocabulary”

and there I was, walking through life infused with my mother’s teachings.

~

I had been brainwashed.

I simply didn’t know money in the bank meant you can buy what you need so that your noodles don’t emancipate.

Knucky: your noodles in the head?

Jay: no, you knucklehead, the other ones

Knucky: just checking

~

Anyhoo. I had been brainwashed but Mary had planted a little seed and little seeds sprout if you know what I mean.

Knucky: (uh oh, here comes trouble)

~

One very happy day the miracle happened.

Knucky: miracle? what miracle?!

Jay: I was walking down the street when all of a sudden …

Knucky: (here it comes! here it comes!...)

Jay: I see the cutest kitchen table batting her eyelashes at me from a store window

and the table goes “PSSST!” on me,

can you believe that??

Knucky: a table went “PSSST!” on you?

Jay: yup

Knucky: no kidding

Jay: you know me, Knucky, I wouldn’t kid about something like this

Knucky: so what happened?

Jay: well, there was a sign

Knucky: it’s a sign! it’s a sign!

Jay: yeah, it said $79

Knucky: that’s not bad

Jay: and this weird thing was happening in my head

Knucky: you mean in the noodles in the head?

Jay: yeah, there were sparks in my noodles in the head

Knucky: wow, fancy noodles

Jay: yeah, and all of the sudden my noodles started screaming

Knucky: well, that’s weird

Jay: THOU SHALL NOT INSULT MY NOODLES,

MY NOODLES ARE NOT WEIRD.

Knucky: ok, and just out of curiosity, what were your noodles screaming? stop the parade?

Jay: no, you knucklehead, they were saying: the table costs $79, I have $79 in the bank, I can buy the table!

Knucky: unbelievable, your noodles said that?

Jay: yup

Knucky: so you bought yourself a table, huh?

Jay: well, of course, I had to buy it; as you may well know, once a table goes “PSSSST!” on you there’s no going back

~

So I bought myself a kitchen table and four director chairs. I just adored them. They were the first pieces of new furniture I had ever had and they looked so beautiful in my kitchen...

I’d wake up in the middle of the night to check on them and I’d come from work in terror KNOWING my table and my chairs had been stolen or burnt in a fire.

Knucky: and were they?

Jay: of course not

Knucky: that’s what I though t

~

Anyhoo, the pssst!-madness had started.

Knucky: the psst!-madness?

Jay: yeah, a TV, and carpets and coffee tables and a night stand and a music bench and ... well, everybody was pssst-ing at me!

Knucky: and you bought them all, huh?

Jay: of course, and Mary was getting nervous because I couldn’t stop buying furniture

Knucky: you were making home, baby

Jay: I was making home

~

And on another very happy day, walking down the street, all of a sudden a golden sofa goes “PSSSST!” on me from a store window.

Knucky: a golden sofa?

Jay: yeah

Knucky: and you bought it

Jay: well of course

Knucky: I bet it was comfy

Jay: I don’t know, I didn’t sit on it

Knucky: you bought a sofa and didn’t sit on it first?!

Jay: why would I? once the thing goes “PSSSST!” on you, that’s it

Knucky: you have to buy it

Jay: you have to buy it

~

Years later I bought a beautiful dining set.

Knucky: and you didn’t try the chairs either, huh?

Jay: not really

Knucky: Jay, you can’t do that?! that’s not a way to shop!

Jay: well

Knucky: don’t tell me the chairs went “PSSSST!” on you

Jay: well they did, alright? so what am I supposed to do?

Knucky: were the chairs comfy?

Jay: they were beautiful

Knucky: were they comfy?

Jay: well, you couldn’t really sit on them for too long

Knucky: how come?

Jay: they kept pushing you up

Knucky: the chairs kept pushing you up?

Jay: yeah, I don’t think they liked anyone sitting on them to tell you the truth, and they made it very clear to you

Knucky: well who would like someone sitting on them?

Jay: that’s what I say

Knucky: me too

Jay: see? these were smart chairs

Knucky: so you had a beautiful dining set and couldn’t sit at the table

Jay: well, we kind of stood around it

Knucky: looking at the beautiful chairs

Jay: that’s right

Knucky: those were mean chairs

Jay: you think so?

Knucky: I think so

Jay: well, I don't, I think the problem was the butt

Knucky: what butt?

Jay: the butt on the chair

Knucky: what about it?

Jay: the butt was the oppressor

Knucky: you think so, huh?

Jay: yeah, the butt was pushing the chair down, the chair was pushing the butt out,

YOU BUTT OUT,

why are we blaming the victim?

the butt should be held responsible

Knucky: are you saying a responsible butt would never sit on a chair?

Jay: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Knucky: you smart cookie you

Jay: you think so, huh?

Knucky: I most certainly think so

Jay: anyhoo

Knucky: and how did we get from vacating noodles floating on tomato sauce to thoughts about abuse of power?

Jay: that’s what I’d like to know

Knucky: some things happen and we don’t even notice, huh?

Jay: you smarty pants

Knucky: you think so, huh?

Jay: I most certainly think so

~~~

www.jorgelinazeoli.com

Other stories by Jorgelina Zeoli

Jack and The Guys

I couldn't let her go, Journey through Alzheimer's

 Numb little robot

 The Heartbreak, Journey through Alzheimer's 

 Speak Truth

The Ordeal, Clergy sexual abuse

Predator, Part One, a memoir about clergy sexual abuse

Predator, Part Two, a memoir about clergy sexual abuse