An Open Letter To My Mentor

This is a letter to my mentor, the person who has changed my life, that has made me the person I am today. He has stood by my side through the long nights that I opened up to him, telling him what had happened in my life. He was the shoulder I could cry on also to be supported by the love and support that he had given me those nights. This is the story of how my life had gotten changed after a horrifying childhood that I would want no other child to go through.

I want to start by saying thank you. Thank you for everything that you have done for me without you. I am not sure where I would be today if it weren't for you. You have helped me achieve a lot in life. I was at the lowest low that I could be when I had nothing. Here is the story of how my life had changed forever. This is how it all started and how I ended up having nothing.

Erie Pennsylvania 1996. It was the most gorgeous day as the sun was shining on the lake. I always loved watching the sun as it would glisten off the water. I had moved to a named Erie. It's on the south shore side of the lake. I was two years old, and I had five brothers and one sister. They had taken me away from both my parents.

Allen Doug 35 years old is my father. Allen worked to make as much money as he could for his family. He had 4 sons and 1 daughter. He lived in the worst part of Erie but that's all he could afford as he lost his late wife and his son’s mother because of a house fire. The boys got out but their mother never made it out. My father was an alcoholic and a child molester. I would visit him as my parents lived in separate houses, and he would molest me and let my brothers also molest me at age 2.

Andrea Runner was 26. She had 4 children. My brother and one of my sisters had the same father. My other sister had a different father, and I had a different father as well. Our mother lived in a falling-apart trailer that was also in a bad part of town. Andrea had also molested her children and also had men do it to us too. Andrea also worked as a server at night. My siblings on Andrea’s side and I had been through so many babysitters, as Andrea wouldn't pay them for watching us as she worked. She had a friend that had gotten out of prison and she knew the reasons she had been in prison. Once Becky Andreas' friend that was in prison got out, she had her watch us while she went to work.

The most horrifying events of my life happened after Andrea let Becky watch us as she worked so she could pay her bills as Allen and Andrea weren't living together as they were trying to figure out their marriage and how they were going to get a house big enough for us to live in as a family. Becky, the babysitter, was an alcoholic and also a child abuser, a child molester. As I told you before, Andrea knew that she still had her watch on us. Becky would get drunk and high as she watched my siblings and I. Ever since I had found out how to get outside by myself, I had always gone outside by myself as I was only two years old I would walk three blocks down from the house where Allen used to take me to play when I visited him. I would always go outside by myself when Andrea was home or even when we had Becky babysitting us while Andrea was at work.

Tonya, the neighbor, was a sweet and nice person. She would come to check on my siblings and me during the day as Andrea was there. Constantly asking Andrea if there was anything that she needed help with, knowing she was raising three children by herself. Andrea would always tell her to get out of her house as she would try to play with my siblings and I. Andrea wouldn't let Tonya near us. When I would get out of the house, Tonya was the one who would bring me right back to Andrea every time the babysitter. The last time I got out of the house, Tonya had been very concerned about me getting out of the house all the time, so she went and took me to Andreas’s house to find Becky passed out. Tonya called Andrea. She had come home and Tonya was talking to Andrea, telling her about how she was extremely concerned, but Andrea had snapped. She called her every name in the book and was just rude to her. Tonya had to do something as she realized Andrea didn't care. I was wandering the streets and didn't care about us not being taken care of properly by Andrea or Becky, the sitter so she called Social Services. They had taken away my siblings and I from Andrea and put us in foster homes.

As time went by I had been in eight foster homes by three years old. They had also abused me in those homes. I had lost all trust in everyone. I was afraid to get close to anyone as I felt no one cared about me as my sister was the same as me. And I had been treated differently than I was being treated. I thought everyone hated me, that everything was my fault, that no one loved me or cared about me. All I wanted was to be loved and cared about. Parents to tell me they loved me and gave me a hug and kiss. I never had that. They had separated my sister after getting taken from the foster home we were in, as the parents weren't taking care of us and mistreating me. They had put me in the last foster home that they had put me in before I was adopted. I had become close to my parents and wanted to stay as they loved and cared about me.

Three years later, I had finally gotten adopted. I thought it was going to be the mom and dad like what I have been wishing for but I was not so lucky. They had abused me until I turned eighteen years old.

A few weeks after I had moved I met a guy and got married since that's all I wanted was to be loved and cared about since I was little. I wanted to have a family. Unfortunately, when I was younger, I was told I wasn't able to have children because of the sexual abuse that I had gone through my entire childhood. I told no one I thought if I would be a mother I would get pregnant when the time is right. I had a stepchild from my marriage, so I could be a mother. As a couple of years went by with no luck of conceiving a child, I finally was pregnant. I had gotten pregnant 3 years after I had given birth to my first child. They had abused me for nine years. The only reason I stayed that long was because of my children. I knew how it was with not having both parents, so I didn't want them growing up feeling how I did if their father and I split up. Wondering what they did wrong crying saying they would be better. I didn't want that. But I had to choose whether I wanted my children to see me being abused or to raise them out of that environment. I welled my life and left the abuse.

Days later after I left my children's father and had my kids in a safe place I knew they would be OK and not be around their father that had been using drugs their whole life and was getting mixed up with the wrong people as he had gotten into trouble with the drug dealers. I had the most supportive in-laws that had helped me and took the kids out of that environment and lifestyle. So I knew what I had to do next. I had to get my life back on track for my children

As days and weeks went by as I moved in with a friend and kept blaming myself for everything I had gone through I had got depressed extremely badly as I had been missing my children so badly that I had messaged my ex-father-in-law as I had been extremely close with him and the only person who I could trust. The messages went like this:

Me: " I need to talk to you. Are you busy?"

Ex Father-in-law: " No, I'm at work. Is everything OK? How have you been doing?"

Me: " No I am not ok. I have been so upset with myself. I miss the kids and I feel like I have made a mistake. Please tell me I did the right thing. I feel like everything is my fault and that I deserve everything that has happened to me"

Ex father-in-law: " You had done what you thought was best for you. I honestly don't know how you have dealt with everything for so long. I would have left a long time ago. You made the right choice. Nothing is your fault you did what you thought you had to, but I am happy that you are safe because your children's father needs to get professional help with the drugs. If he had got help when we all tried to get him help, he wouldn't have lost everything that he had."

No matter what anyone had told me, I had felt in my heart that I had made a mistake and that all the abuse that I had gone through; I deserved it. I felt like I was the person in the wrong and I was the person who had destroyed my family. My friend had told me I needed to go find more friends to talk to that don't know what you have been through because all that is going to be brought up is your past and you will keep blaming yourself even though we all know how your ex is. So as I kept blaming myself for all the things I had gone through and really had no family to talk to about everything, I felt even worse I didn't have a mother or father that I could go visit and talk to when I needed them the most. I knew I needed someone to talk to as the days went by and I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to sleep all day and sleep my life away as I kept telling myself that I was a mistake in this world and that everyone would be better off without me. My friend had kept on my butt to find someone to talk to that didn't live around my ex's family or house or even knew my ex. So I got on Facebook and found you.

I had pushed myself to send you a message even though I thought you wouldn't message me back. As I thought I was the ugliest person in the world and that no one would care about me, my ex made me feel like a piece of garbage sitting on the side of the roadway that no one would pick up because they think they would get a disease from touching it. Just as I was about to give up and not be in the world anymore, I thought everyone's life would be better without me in it..........................................

You messaged me back. As I had got a message back from you I was so scared to even open it as I had already crept all over your Facebook and saw that you were going through a divorce like I was and thought you would be the best person to talk to as we were going through the similar thing. I got the courage to read it as I had replied. I saw how you looked and thought you were way out of my league and wouldn't even hang out just to talk, not knowing if you would even reply. My friend kept asking me what I was doing. I told her I was trying to get you to talk to me. I had messaged you. She was happy because I wouldn't talk to her about anything anymore. As we kept messaging you, all I wanted was to be out of that area I was in because it was so close to my ex. I just wanted to talk to you and just get away from everything. All I wanted was for someone to listen to me and be there and show me I could love and care about. You had asked me if I wanted to come over and chill out and if I wanted to go home at any point in time, you would let me leave. As it was nighttime and I told my friend, she didn't like the idea of me going to your house at night because of everything that I have gone through and not knowing you. I had taken the chance and went over there to your house.

As the Uber had driven up to your house and I saw you, I felt like you were my knight and shining armor. As the night went on and we talked, I was so surprised how I could open up to you the first night as easily as I did. Had shown me you cared about what I had to say. You could read me like a book. You knew everything that I was going to say before I told you. As the days went on and we stayed in touch, you started changing how I had felt so insecure about myself, as I didn't see myself as you did. I could look at the world from a different perspective, which also had helped me be able to talk about everything that I had bottled up inside and not be able to get over everything that I had gone through since I was little till then. You showed me that nothing was my fault and that I shouldn't blame myself for what I have gone through. You had also been the first person who showed me what love actually is, as I had thought I knew what I was, but I was wrong. While I was being able to find who I really am you had helped me through it all and helped me cope with it to where I finally made immense with my past and let go of all the anger and sadness that I have been building up inside for years. You had helped me overcome everything so that I can enjoy life instead of pondering on it. Because of your help, I have become a strong, forgiving, caring individual who can also be independent and do things on my own. I appreciate you giving me all the support and love I needed to overcome my past, as well as making me the strong and independent person I am today. Without you, I don't know where I would be today. My life has gone from having nothing and being at the bottom to feeling as if I have the entire world at my fingertips.

Because of you, I can live the life I always wanted when I was little. With no doubt or regrets. Thank you. You have made me the happiest woman in the world. You have been a huge part of my life. I won't ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me and how you have big importance I'm my life and it won't ever be any different. You are my mentor you are my role model and I can't even tell you how thankful I am to have you in my life.