An Ode to My Youth

As my 25th birthday looms, I can't help but think about all the time I spent dreaming as a kid. Fixating on all the issues in the world that I would never have any direct control over. The countless hours I spent with my iPod Nano playing the melodies that would later launch me into moments of deep nostalgia. As the remnants of my childhood self start to fade and I evolve into this girl woman who aims to take the world by storm.

Dear Little Loraina,

There are so many things I want to tell you and so many things I wish you already knew. Life is so full and your only regret will be the day that you tried to end it all. That isn't what this is about though, this is about us. So let me be frank: you're not normal, that is our superpower. Here are the top three things:

1. You are a fucking rockstar just the way you are.
2. I love you more than anyone ever will.
3. No matter what anyone says, you are destined for absolute greatness.

You feel like you know little to nothing right now because you absolutely do not know anything. I am happy to say even at this stage in life that does not change. You love learning and growth, that is something that will never really change about you. It is easy to think that one day you would be like Matilda and read every book the library has to offer but you don't because you learn that everything comes with time.

In that time you are going to learn what it means to be patient. That will come with years of being a big sister and being responsible for your younger siblings. And during this time you are also going to learn what unconditional love is. Though you won't feel it from others all the time, you will know what it means to give it. Your little sisters will make you laugh to no end and agitate you all the same. You will want to give them everything and feel guilty for leaving them to fend for themselves. Growing with them will look different the older you get and they won't listen to you as much but they will love you, that's all that matters.

I think this is a good time to remind you, you are not going to do everything exactly to plan. You won't become a chef or study french cuisine in Paris and you won't go to USC. You'll still make it to New York and Paris, it will look a lot different than you thought it would though. I am happy to tell you that in that time you will fall in love with not only yourself but Spanish too. You won't be nervous every time you speak it in front of Ma and you will even get to learn it in Spain. The time you spend in Europe will change you because you will make a best friend who wants to see you be great.

Before all of that, you'll fall in love for the first time with a boy in the town you grew up in. It will feel exactly the way Taylor Swift said it would be; loving him was RED. You're going to think that the overwhelming pain that came from it will consume you forever. Also, a piece of you is going to love him forever, although it won't feel the same. He will make you think no one can love you. However, I have news for you. The love you find will be 1000x better than anything he could have ever given you. The pain will teach you to fall madly in love with yourself instead. All you can do is be grateful for your resilience and all the growth that came from it, though that pain will fester for a while. Lorde said it best in "Writer In The Dark."

Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark

Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark

Now she's gonna play and sing and lock you in her heart

Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark

I am my mother's child, I'll love you 'til my breathing stops

I'll love you 'til you call the cops on me

But in our darkest hours, I stumbled on a secret power

I'll find a way to be without you, babe

I still feel you, now and then

Slow like pseudo-ephedrine

When you see me, will you say I've changed?

I ride the subway, read the signs

I let the seasons change my mind

I love it here since I've stopped needing you

The best part of not going to Neverland will be seeing yourself get older and how little things about you change. That huge gap in your teeth does close and without braces! You'll find that round glasses suit your face a lot better than square ones ever did but no your eyesight will not improve. Regardless of public opinion, your hair does not look better straight, the large frizzy mane you have people will tease their hair for. Your skin is dark, rich with melanin that glows in the sunlight. The beauty you radiate inside and out will attract others to no avail. If you are ever unsure of any of these things watch Gab Union movies back to back till you exude that bad bitch energy.

Most importantly the uncertainty you feel all the time, one day will just fade away. That happens because you learned to accept who you are and let go of what you're not. It seems like a daunting task, mostly because you have relied on that little voice for so long. It has protected you, guided you, all while slowly eating away at you. You are not that voice and you never have been. People will try to diminish your accomplishments, except all of what they say is a projection of how they feel about themselves. Your ego will try to get the best of you all the time, sometimes it will win and you will have to deal with the consequences for listening to it.

Lastly, my biggest piece of advice is to listen to your gut. Your intuition will save you from a lot of weird and dangerous situations that would otherwise ruin you. The hardest thing you have to do is forgive your parents, they did do the best they could. At times you know they fell short of what would have been best for you, let go of the resentment. You love them and recognize that they were just kids too. Nothing is what it seems and magic is real, it exists in real-time you just have to tap into it. Loraina you are so capable and amazing beyond belief. One day you will embody that essence and pour into others what you can. Don't be scared to do the things that scare the living shit out of you, those will be the most fruitful moments. Love the life that you have been given and give thanks to your ancestors regularly. I hope that all of this will make sense to you. You will get everything you have ever wanted from this life, that is my promise to you.