AMA I have healed.

Dear Mums,

Feliz dia de las madres. You know you fucked up when u got knocked up with me. Too bad I did not come with a warning label. I can only imagine the worry and heartbreak I may have caused you. The messes I made and the headaches. Bet you were not expecting that. But We would not be living up to the typical dynamics of a mother-daughter relationship if we were not toxic to each other. Like two same-sided magnets, we became. at such a young age I was. I remember that day, but I’ll get to it later. After that day, resentment, anger, frustration, and love all at the same time is what I lived in. Just in case you would ever want to know. With all these emotions garnished with hormones, you must have lost hair. Party girl teen, what to do? I can only imagine mom. I commend you for not unaliving me. I came out of that time into adulthood in one piece. You did your job. Celebration? Little did you know your job was not done.

I bet you probably hated me. Becoming a mom again because of my mental problems. Fuck, it must have been hard. I am eternally grateful for that. Struggling to have a relationship like water and oil, we would end up again, again and again. I struggled with resentment, trauma, and night terrors from our lovely dynamics. I got through them, though, and guess what I still fucking love you, ma. Now I am healed from things in our past. I feel like we can grow now. Sorry, it took so long to realize some things, but these were buried deep, deep down. I barely got to it in my late 30s. Empathy was key in this healing, oh yeah, and Ezra. Ezra never disappoints in the lessons she gives me. That is why she is my teacher. I started to empathize with you and your upbringing.

Damn, mom, need I say more. Ezra put it into perspective and had me dive deeper to better understand why you were emotionally unavailable. Given the time and parents, it’s no wonder you felt the need to be as you are. I could only imagine mom, and you must have been tormented. Going back to that day. You are a tough cookie. I remember seeing you as the toughest, most beautiful, funniest, resourceful, resilient creatures that ever walked on the face of the earth. You were my superhero. What changed it all was the young mind, reality, and hardships of life that my young mind could never even fathom. As a family were going through some shit and saw my superhero at one of her weakest points in her life. You became human, just a normal human. It was detrimental to a young girl to find out her mom was merely human and watch her mom fall to pieces and become so weak. You were the reason I am so tough, you were the reason, I am so resilient, and you were the reason I have never given up today. I could not understand why being human was such a bad thing when I was a kid. Until I lived a bit longer and walked in some of your pairs of shoes like I did when I was a kid.

I had to walk down your runway many times to realize that falling to pieces does not mean you are weak. It does not mean human is a bad thing. Being human and enduring this thing we call life makes you wiser, and beefs you up for whatever else it has in store for you. I just thought I would let you know even though we never spoke for years, fought for years, and cried for years, I absolutely fucking have always loved you. No matter what. Unconditional love is not something u can just change. Even if you unalived me when I came back from Mexico at 15 years old all drunk. I would be on the other side, loving you unconditionally.

With love,

Always your baby girl,

Aysha