Affliction

There will always be a longing for that thing you have depended on for so long. You feel the pain when you are forced to accept that you can no longer savor its taste. You begin to understand that this thing has so much of a hold over you its unbearable. The longing to have it seems so bittersweet and yet you know it is so wrong, yet you feel it entirely. The constant yearning will always be present, and it will never fully dissipate but you will learn to fight against it. The sudden urge can appear at any moment even if it has been years since you had your last fill.

The lust that develops can be so consuming that your mouth begins to water at the very thought of it. You start to convince yourself that all you need is one last taste of the forbidden and that feeling can be so intense. The desperation is so extreme that you are prepared to sell your soul just to have a taste. The moment you realize it is not enough and that it never will be brings helplessness and despair. This revelation brings you to hell on your knees with white knuckles ready to pond the pavement to see blood. You begin to hate yourself because you do not know how to make it stop but you know if you do not try you will not survive.

The comfort you once felt is suddenly shattered because that reality finally sets in. You must accept that you have no control over its power and the admission in knowing that you cannot touch it because it is poison brings you so much fear. This fear can be paralyzing and heart breaking that it can feel as close to losing a loved one. You feel instant horror when you realize that you are now going to feel your feelings, and this sends you into total anguish.

When you have finally accepted this truth then you begin to resent others and feel the envy growing when you wonder how others can live their lives not suffering with this malady. You start to wonder in silence and ask yourself “Why am I afflicted with this”? “Why can’t I just have what I want like everyone else?” “Why me?” “Why not them?” This anger starts to feel like a fire engulfing you and you are right back to where you started all over again. You know you cannot live this way anymore, but you do not know how to win this battle.

So, the true question is not why but how did this happened to me? There is a birthing to all this madness around us and the search to know where it all started is necessary to our survival. I know this will not change the longing but at least we will have a better understanding of how this had so much control over our peace of mind, our health, and our sanity. We cannot allow this to have any more power over us. The will to fight is inside each of us and that desire will have to become so strong. It is time to prepare for the fight of our lives because this darkness has caused so many to go mad or lose their lives. We need to be ready for this battle and learn to be more cunning than our enemy. We will learn to think, feel, and understand what will cause us to trigger because knowledge is power and who knows us better than ourselves. The moment you discover when this madness was born the better prepared you will be when you feel that darkness approaching. It is in knowing what brings that darkness that we learn to find the light.

This sickness comes without any warning. It is like playing a game of Russian roulette and only when you hear the popping sound of the pistol going off it is too late because you are infected. It is like a feeling of being in love with someone who has no capacity to return the affection. This ailment only continues to exist because we keep feeding it, giving it power to consume us. Its only purpose is to keep us craving what we hunger for. It has no feelings, no attachments, no loyalty, or acknowledgement of who we are. Its only intent is to make us feel numb but when it wears off, we are still there, unchanged. We have become enchanted by it like an intense aroma that is so intoxicating and powerful that you will do anything to have its essence fill your lungs because it produces false feelings of peace and love in the mind, but it kills us a little more each day.

To the people who do not understand this insanity, you are blessed. This disturbance is so real. To my fellow comrades’ who understand this affliction and suffer so deeply because of this, I will be here when you are ready to join me in this fight. Say no to its silent voice calling you with its sweet whisper and enticing you with your favorite song. This corrupts the mind and destroys you from the inside out. In the end, if you are not dead then you wish you were because inside you know that nothing can ever satisfy this thirst. We must fight against its seductive power by finding out how it eluded us and infiltrate our lives by burying it roots inside of us and attaching itself to us like a parasite. There are so many of us who suffer but we must stand together and fight or die trying.

The time is now, and we must band together or else we will parish. We must fight so we can be free of its grips and learn live by our own merits. We must take it one day at a time or we will not survive. It is time.

Written By

Jacqueline Ortiz