A Very Thin Line

What if you held the key that unlocked the door. What if you had the answers to all the questions that were ever spoken that meant anything at all. What if you realized what mattered in life just a moment too late? What would you last wish for?

Sometimes the what ifs in life hold the most value and purpose when they have the right meaning and depth behind them. Life, Time, Happiness. The basic wonders of a millions questions to each. All full of bewilderment and hope that some day they will be answered. Each full of hope.

Life, new will come and old will pass on. The ones that are struggled are the ones without answers. The unexplained or taken before their time.

Time, something no one can stop. No one can master or control. No fountain of youth can obtain. For time shall prevail and keep ticking on.

Happiness. Many wonder if it is money that will bring it, or just enough to make them content. Some Find joy in being surrounded by others. Some it is the adventure and the seeing of new places. Others find it by escaping this reality all together. But, Happiness is a state of mind. Knowing what is important to you. I will give you a hint... It is not in the material things.

Someone once asked me what I thought was a silly question at the time. "What would you grab if you were in a burning building?" Since living through a house fire and having all my possessions destroyed and coming to have very little that truly mean something to me. I could answer this question very quickly.. "A book" I responded. Their eyes filled with wonder. Books are now seen as a relic. A memento of the past. But the book I was referring too held so much more purpose and value to me.

I found it strange throughout my life being told "You have an old soul."

Is it even possible to have an old soul? I would question. I later learned it is another way of referring to someone who is 'wise beyond their years'.

Well, clearly, my years had many years to go and live before it felt like it was old, warn out, and filled with pure exhaustion. But I learned after many years worth of hard lessons in my own case. Life is not strictly based on when the body says I am done. There is another player in the game. That player is the will power in your mind. The fighter within that soul. The warrior that wont back down and keeps fighting because everyone else gave in.

I became that warrior on 4 different occasions.

The first being a young girl partying too hard. Mixing too much and my heart gave out. Luckily I had a friend who knew CPR but had no pulse or breath for a little over 2 minutes. Lesson number one. Don't scare your friends. But mostly. Listen to your body. When something doesn't feel right. Follow that instinct.

Second, Driving home late one night and fell asleep at the wheel. I woke up an instant before I ran into a guardrail. Car silent, no noise. But what awoke me had me questioning many things in life. For I only awoke to what was my name being shouted in my ear so loud over and over until I responded. Lesson number two. When you are tired, do not put yourself or anyone else at risk.

Third, The hardest of all. The loss of my twins. A miscarriage. I bled out too much blood. By the time I went to the doctors and got saw months later. They were astounded for it had been 3 months since the miscarriage and I was still border line blood transfusion and they could not believe I survived. Lesson number three. Nothing can ever replace the loss and whole in your heart for those of someone who has lost a child.

Fourth, I had gotten ill with the covid virus. My family had all become ill. But unlike my family who had faith in the medical practice. My faith lay with at home remedies and trust in myself and the way my fate was laid out. I refused multiple times to go to the ER, being checked on multiple times a night by my father who thought I had died. I could barely walk, I couldn't hold anything down, I could not breathe, every muscle in my body ached and all I wanted to do was give in and sleep. The sleep seemed restless but it was at least shuteye for the few months I was about to endure while still being ill. My father went to the ER and so did my brother. They were both taken out of town and placed in an isolation unit for me to witness on video the behind the scenes of what happened to the patients that went into their facilities sick. My brother made it home after multiple attempts. My father unfortunately did not. The strongest man I knew. Lesson number 4. A life taken when it is not there time to be taken. A tortured soul is left in its place to bare the witness of the unjust that was done. Leaving scars, haunted memories, and a restless mind.

I can honestly say I don't have faith in much anymore. Or not the faith that one may assume you mean. I have faith in one thing now. That is myself. I have faith that I know I can trust in me without any doubt. I have faith that one day justice will come and those who have wronged will get what is coming to them. And I have faith that even as broken as you feel you can always be put back together if you have the right pieces to hold you in place. For the mind of a fighter never gives in. Mostly, I have all the faith that I will soon be with my loved ones again, at peace and happy.