A (very) Bruised Ego

Everything I imagined it to be was not how it was

I thought of connecting with others, sharing stories and holding hands in a circle. I imagined a bright white light shooting out of my third eye while I floated out of my body, attaining enlightenment like the Buddha.

I was going to return home a new woman.

“I understand the Meaning of Life”, I would tell my family and friends as they gathered around me, mesmerized by my new outlook

No trivial matter

Anyone who has ever engaged in any kind of plant medicine knows that it is no trivial matter. I found this out the hard way. Upon arrival to my very first Ayahuasca Retreat, after weeks of fasting and emotional, mental, (and somewhat spiritual) preparation, I was devastatingly nervous. Lucky for me, this was in 2014, before all the ‘hype’ about plant medicine had begun. In fact, the subject was so taboo that just saying the word Ayahuasca meant I whispered it carefully.

I knew very little about the plant. (I just hadn’t done enough research if I’m brutally honest). But this actually worked in my favor as I had zero preconceived ideas about what I was to expect – except (obviously) that I was to understand the truths about the universe…

The Bruised Ego

Upon arrival, I walked through the door with a strong egoic arrogance (made clear to me only after-the-fact). What I felt can, really, only be described as shock. Everyone was gathered in a pleasantly lit room. But something felt different. These were no ordinary people. These people were open. They were loving. Kindness oozed out of their beings. Everyone was just… themselves. Most people noticed me as I walked in. I imagined it to be because I was stained with a fixed idea about how great I was going to become after the next 24 hours... an idea they clearly didn’t have.

They welcomed me gently but I was immediately suspicious of their niceness. Because people couldn’t just be genuinely nice… Could they? I came with so much stuff. Nervousness and insecurities, guilt and judgements…

Oh the judgements! Even as these warm folk welcomed me into their community, I judged them! I was horrified as I observed myself.

Her hair looks dry

His pants are a bit extra

Is that guy missing a tooth?

Does that sage smell really have to be so potent?

And then the sneaky, underlying comments…

Well, of course they’re comfortable and smiling! They all know each other! (Which I later found out was false just by the way…)

How do they really expect me to be social…? I haven’t had coffee in over two weeks!

They smiled and hugged, exchanged stories and breathed. I lurked in the corner. Like a sulky shadow. It wasn’t the kindness that bothered me. If anything, it was A BREATH OF FRESH AIR to witness, with my own eyes, that there are human beings on this planet who care about life and about others from the bottom of their hearts (!)

No, it was their confidence. Their absolute willingness to be exactly Who They Are. You see, I wasn’t Who I Am. I was covered up with stories and identities. I was attached… (to use a super cliché’ “spiritual” word).

I felt very left out.

Why was I such a shy person? I judged myself.

But the worst part of it all was that they intended to include me. However, their efforts to welcome me made me feel all the more isolated. I wanted to be left alone.

Where the heck is this Shaman man? Can we just begin already? I’m starting to get a headache! Damn fasting…

Humble Tea

Look, it’s tremendously difficult to describe an Ayahuasca experience. No matter how great of a writer you are. This is primarily because each, unique, individual person has a different one. And even if I did describe it “perfectly”, I believe it would do a disservice because then you would believe this was the one and only way to experience it. (Which it absolutely isn’t!)

What I will say is this: not only did I not have a light shining out of my third eye like the Buddha I was to become (although it must be said that this is absolutely possible and I actually know someone who did have this experience…) but I was humbled to the core of my entire being.

The Shaman invited us all to sit in a circle. I felt relief as the attention shifted from social introductions onto one leader who did all the talking. People smiled at me across the circle. I shyly looked away. Mainly because I felt as if they saw right through me. Especially the Shaman. I barely looked him in the eyes. He knew every little, tiny, (horrendous) thing I had ever thought/done. (Which I later found out was also false just by the way…)

Why am I even here? I thought nervously.

He spoke gently.

“Let us go around the circle, introduce ourselves however we like and share with the family today our intentions for receiving this medicine.”

… My heart stopped in shock. It jumped further out of my chest with each talking person. They were unapologetically honest. I was nothing like these good people. I thought of a million ways to edit my truth before my turn. The person next to me finished his sentence.

I stated my intention with a small, insecure voice. No one judged me. They just smiled. I could feel the love and understanding they were sending me.

Love? Not judgement? Is that possible?

The Medicine Works

A few years later, after my third Ayahuasca and a few other plant medicines, I became one of those people. (If I do say so myself [!])

What I mean is that I became more open. More honest. It became easier for me to choose authenticity in my everyday life, in my everyday decisions.

Cover up Who I Am? Or uncover the nonsense and reveal Who I Am?

The choice is always mine.

The social shock I felt walking into the room on that day of my first ceremony will stay with me always. But in a good way. In a way that reminds me of a certain few (important) things:

1. Things are not always as you think they are
2. There are actually human beings on this Special Planet who carry no judgement and genuinely want the best for humanity
3. Even if you are filled with insecurities, it is possible for someone to love you without condition
4. The only person judging you the harshest is… well… you
5. You really have to care a whole lot about your life to choose to be yourself
6. Being whoever You Actually Are is the greatest gift you can give yourself AND the planet
7. Sometimes, all you really need is to be humbled enough to shift your perspective on everything
8. It’s often better not to have preconceived notions about experiences so that you may experience them authentically in the moment
9. It is very possible to surprise yourself with how drastically your Point of View of life can shift

While that experience, at the time, felt absolutely shocking, in hindsight, it was the single greatest experience I immersed myself into. The people I met, the souls I shared with and the personal growth that accompanied the effect of the ceremonies has filtered into every aspect of my life. And I have no doubt it will continue to...

Now, I am ever grateful that the Humble Tea bruised my ego in the drastically loving way that it did.