A Passing Moment; Monumental Growth

"I don't know what this is, what we had, seemed like a passing fad. A journey yet understood. What came between us at that moment? What did you see when you gazed into my eyes? When you saw me, what intrigued you -was it my dormant wittiness or a soft smile that soothed your broken heart? Was it the kindness displayed or compassion given? When you asked, "Who made you like this?" What did you mean? Why did you ask me out for coffee? Why did I agree? Why did we both enjoy it? Why was I anxious the entire time? Why did it seem like you weren't? Have you done this before? I haven't. Why did the conversation last four hours, but what felt like four lifetimes? Why did I feel seen for the first time? Why did I love that moment? Why did I ask you out? Why did you say yes? Why was the sushi so sapid? Why couldn't I answer your question? Why did we grow apart? Why did I write you a poem? Why did I wait to give it to you? Why did we wait to express how we really felt years later? What changed? Did we grow as time went on? Were we both immature when it happened? Possibly."

"It's hard to say, but now I see what we could've been. Timeless friends as times end. Marvel, marvel at these beautiful moments of broken tapestry. Beauty and brokenness, we humans hold this arduous tension with easy hopefulness. You created in me what I have longed to see. Freedom from anxiety. Freedom from pain. Freedom from trauma and shame. You have given me the keys to success: enjoying the process. You undressed all my insecurities and fears, the skeletons in the closet that I thought had disappeared. They were always there. You made me face those demons and relinquish fear. You said I could be better and didn't have to run away from my past. You embraced what I didn't have. Accepted me as I am. You inspired a broken man to be everything I sought to be, leaving no stone unturned. And now I am here, reflecting on that shared time. The laughs, the grief, the deep pain inside. You never saw me cry, but I did. But I didn't just cry tears of remorse, but remorse and joy. You inspired me in ways you couldn't imagine and helped me walk down a path less travelled. You did that, and I cannot thank you enough. So hopefully, this poem is enough; it has encapsulated every moment of us. Everything in and between is a beautiful symphony of pain, joy, confusion, laughter, hope, and grief. All of which relate to our life's stories. We are all beautiful shades of gray, and you helped me see things that way. I hope you keep that same compassion you shared with me because you changed my life, and I am forever in your thanks."

It's crazy how one person can enter your life and change everything. It's strange; they seem to be divinely appointed to teach you something or reveal what you have yet to work on. And for some reason, I didn't think it would happen to me, but it did. It happened a few years ago, in 2018, and I have always reflected on that moment since. It has been a defining moment because I was so naive about my heart, emotions, relationships, love, and life. Yet, this one person came and switched the entire scene. She exposed my flaws, insecurities, hopes, and dreams, things I didn't even ponder thoroughly, shaping me into a more holistic individual. I was lopsided before meeting her. I was hyper-fixated and tunnel-visioned on my faith because I believed it to be the only true peace. I thought my faith was the only thing worth spending time on because who cared if I was a decent human being? Weren't we all just a bunch of human doings? It's not as if it mattered, right? How foolish and naive I was at nineteen. I didn't know any better because I wasn't taught better. Or maybe better isn't the proper phraseology because what I was taught wasn't wrong; it just wasn't in the greater context of life. Faith is essential, and I have grown in it, but it wasn't the only thing. I wasn't created for a particular thing because human beings are so much more than the things they do and the things they practice. They are ravishing displays of beauty and brokenness, and I have learned that what it means to be truly human is holding the tension between the two. I have learned how important emotional intelligence is for all types of relationships. I have journeyed down memory lane to address all the past pain, guilt and shame. My sexual trauma no longer holds the reins, and I am so glad. I don't think I have ever been this excited in my entire life. I have more hope, joy, peace, compassion, understanding, and love for myself and others. I no longer project my insecurities on people and can allow them to just be - without all the hidden fees. I no longer have a fixed mindset for people and things but a growth one that sees beyond what is seen. I don't take life as seriously and can now be present as I want to be. Neurodivergence is something I am venturing down, which seems to define me so well. I don't think like everyone else. I have always been told I do things differently; I believe neurodiversity is the key. And as I reflect on that moment we met, I don't think I would be the person I am today. Heck, Had the moment we didn't meet not come to pass, I have no idea where I'd be, which still scares me. I can say this one remarkable woman has utterly changed the trajectory of my life, and I am forever in her debt.

And while I do not believe I am perfect by no stretch of the imagination, I have progressed tenfold. I am learning to be more gracious toward myself, but I still have much to learn because my journey hasn't ended. It has only begun.