A Night on Newport

Vinnie’s on 34th

It was July 4th in Newport Beach, what possibly could go awry? Vince was living on 34th street on the bottom apartment of a duplex. He had purchased a keg and invited mostly girls. Matt and I were down early helping Vinnie get ready and he tapped the keg about noon. I swore I wouldn’t have a beer before five, but I lied to myself.

I’m a genuine, first rate, top shelf lightweight. I’ll admit that to anyone but myself, oh shit I just did, but drinking before five was just silly. I drank my fair share and as dusk was approaching everyone was out on the beach or hitting a bar, and I found a lounge chair on Vinnie’s patio and was gone for the evening. At least that’s what I thought.

I woke up in Newport Jail, I highly recommend it, nice facility, clean restrooms and all, but I wasn’t sure where I was. I had a cell to myself and my neighbor was an old guy, probably forty, so I asked him where I was.

“Whittier jail”, he answered confidently.

And I was “Whittier jail, how in the fuck did I get to Whittier jail?”

There was laughter in the cell block and a young fella across the aisle cleared things up. “Dude”, he started “you’re in Newport jail”. I smiled and thanked him for at least that made sense.

The old guy was astonished, “Newport jail, how in the fuck did I get to Newport Jail?” It was a welcome to the system moment I’ll never forget.

I was let loose first thing in the morning with no charges and as I started the long walk back to Vinnie’s I started getting pissed. I was passed out on my buddies porch and the Newport Nazis bag and tag me for that. The longer I walked the more upset I was.

I got back to Vinnie’s Coo Coo Nest at about ten and found him and Matt sitting on the beach with a group of girls. They all started clapping which confused the hell out of me, but I bowed like a gentleman and sat down.

I started in right away about this miscarriage of justice and all and instead of sympathizing they all just looked at me like I had lost it. “The coppers had no right to snatch me up”, I was pleading my case to a jury of my peers.

Matt spoke up with a smile on his face “you don’t remember?”

“Remember what, did I rob a bank?”

Vinnie took over “ dude you really have no idea what you did, do you?” I set back for I knew he was going to tell me. “We came home and found you out cold in the patio but it seems in the middle of the night you got cold and found another place to pass out. My neighbors told me this morn, and apologized they didn’t know you were my friend”.

“What’d I do to piss off your neighbor?”

“Nothing really, you more like scared them”.

“What?” I was seriously confused now.

Vinnie went on with his English brogue “they woke up last night and called the cops, they thought someone broke into their house. They found you asleep on their couch and not knowing you were with us they had the cops come and haul you in”.

“What neighbors?” Once again none of this was calculating in my pea brain.

“The ones upstairs, they heard some heavy breathing and found you on their couch. According to them, the cops woke you and asked if you knew where you were. You mumbled Newport Beach and although you were right on that account, they took you to the drunk tank”.

I must have turned forty shades of red, I was a certified idiot now, or had been for a while and this was an enlightening moment. I’d like to say I quit drinking then and there, but what else would I write about.

Just another embarrassing moment in a long line of embarrassing moments. Less than a week later the same two officers found Matt passed out in his car on the beach across the street from Vinnie’s, the car was in drive and the wheels were still digging holes in the sand. His punishment? Nothing, they walked him to Vinnie’s and let him go.

Life isn’t always fair but it all averages out over the long haul. Live well, enjoy what you have and never look back without laughing.

It’s missing my kids Thursday, but I hope if they’re reading this they don’t make the same mistakes I did. Easter is upon us and remember Christ died so apparently I could do stupid shit that hopefully entertains you!

Crack Egg Out