A Life Fulfilled

Story 1:

When I was in the 5th grade I full-on wept through my piano recital and that was after I sat there for a full 10 minutes just trying to convince myself to put my hands on the keys. The audience gave me a standing ovation after, the simple fact that I was even able to play one note through my very tangible stage fright was enough for them. I quit the piano the same year. My parents never pressured me, they always allowed me to express myself how I felt fit when it came to sports and the arts, but quitting the piano was one decision I wish they had pressured me to rethink.

Story 2:

In my first competitive tennis tournament, I went in as the number 1 female and number 2 overall on my summer team in singles and playing doubles with my male partner who was number 1. We were THE team and players to beat. My stage fright carried, for the first time, into my sports. I performed so badly that I slammed my tennis racquet so hard on the ground that I literally had to buy a new one. We lost both matches as double partners, it was the first time where my teammate was so mad they couldn’t even speak to me. My coach talked to me and said it was okay and encouraged me to keep playing since I was aging out of the team that summer. The next step for me was training, training, and more training. Tennis is money and I had already shown that the potential of me underperforming was very real. I knew that as barely a preteen. It is the only sport that I wish I had believed in myself enough to play seriously again.

Story 3:

My first varsity basketball game in high school, I was the youngest player on the best team that my high school had ever seen in girls' basketball. I missed every layup attempt I took and when I wasn’t attempting to shoot, I got called for walking every time the ball was in my hands. My classmates in the crowd booed me and I was demoted from the starting lineup to being the 6th man. I had an excellent year though, I was the only one on the bench who played in all our games and we made it to the state semi-finals.

Story 4:

My first job in Philadelphia was selling energy. Energy had just been deregulated and everyone everywhere was selling electricity rates to the people in the PECO areas. The first door that I knocked on I was so scared that I stood there with my hand still raised from knocking on the door. No lie I was doing the fish thing, where your mouth just opens and closes with no sound. I drowned in my fear. A year later me and a friend started our first business after receiving a partnership from a company that wanted to expand its footprint in the deregulation.

And Then...

Stage fright has been a constant throughout my life and I still struggle with it. However, now I have moments where I overcome it on the first try. The first time happened at my Grandfather’s funeral, I was to deliver the family thanks and tribute. My Grandfather was such a personality. People came from everywhere to show my Grandma and us support. I was stewing in my nerves - clammy palms, sweaty clothes, and my Mom throwing side glances at me because she knew how bad I could get. When it came my turn to speak all I could think about was this had to be done. No matter how small my part was, it meant making the day that much easier on my family. I stuttered a bit through it and I have no idea what if I actually read the words on the paper but afterward my Mom told me how proud of me she was. I was in my early twenties and she still brings it up to this day almost a decade later.

I realized after, that my stage fright was my fear of self-realization. Success was fearful. Failure was fearful. The in-between was fearful. I wanted to work hard and not fail but I also wanted to not be hurt because of all the work I put in just in case I did fail. I've been failing at things since I was a kid though hoping that people could see the potential I had. The thing is about getting older is where I got a standing ovation for trying through my tears as a 5th grader at 22 failure meant a demotion at work and losing college scholarships.

The phrase ‘believe what people show you’ is my grand rule for myself more than for anyone else. I want to go to sleep every day happy with what I have shown myself that day. I’m not discovering something new about myself every day or even every month but what I am doing is finding out how far I’m willing to go to live my life fulfilled. Sometimes it means working out 6 out of 7 days of the year, other times it's cooking a very happiness over healthiness meal a couple of times, or showing up to work on time and working to my best potential, or hanging out with family and friends with such enthusiasm that any other mood has them worried, or finding a new hobby and being so curious about it and getting better at it that I have days where I have to remind myself that I need to sleep too, or experiencing love so thoroughly that I sing and do jigs in my living room while thinking how much I appreciate having that moment in time. Even a great cup of coffee, with the sun shining brightly through my windows is an utterly awesome moment in my book.

A moment here, a step there, and the next thing you know you have a life that while not perfect you're continuing to grow in and you're doing it without the feeling of failure.

I still have my grand dreams of course but still, I think 5th grade me that wept through the piano recital would be so proud of the woman that she became.