A Day After

My eyes will always tear when I hear or see your name, our history is something that can’t be replaced no matter how much I try. I never thought our friendship would end here on this beautiful farmland with the waves crashing up against the soft dirt beneath our toes. I knew I should had walked away before it came to this, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. Chance after chance, I could tell you was never happy. Even when I closed my eyes to hide the pain, I’m feeling so you don’t see it. As we look onto the hills, I can only assume what you are thinking. Someday someone is going to love me the way I wanted you too but for now, tears stream my face with the pain being unbearable.

At 30, you think I would have this dating thing down. But the truth is, I’m still as lost as I once was when I started this thing at 16. It seems the more I get to know someone, the more scared they become to be with me. I get it, who wants to be with a woman who’s sick. Sick with a disease that isn’t curable but also one doctors don’t understand fully themselves. The risk is high, I get it but don’t I deserve love too? I never admit it, but I tried to hard for someone to love me the way I love myself. I make big things out of little things. It may kill me now as you ignore those little things but they mean so much more.

I’m full of anxious thoughts and always have the worse fears in my head, they usually come true with time. I always say I’m going to give up on love but here I am once more with a broken heart. Why can’t I be like these girls on the movies who have their love on their arms, smiling and laughing? Why can’t I be like these beautiful women who get every guy they try to get? But the reality is, I am who I am and one day I hope to find someone who will accept all my broken edges and fears. I am bruised, jaded, and full of problems but I make no apologies for who I am. When someone makes fun of me, or points out the bad things that I point out to myself every day, I have to overlook those voices because I know at the end of the day, I am beautiful, I make no apologies I am who I am and one day I will find someone who accepted those things unlike you. There is nothing I’m not worthy of, even love.

Holding back my breathe as you walk away, you set off a dream in me that disappeared as you walked away. I wanted to grab your hand and not let you walk away but I know I’m not enough for you, I’m not what you’re searching for. I will never be enough for you; you’ll never be the person I dream about. It will never be enough. I would have given you the world, pushed you to be the person I know you wanted to be. But it wasn’t going to be enough. It’s not enough…

I don’t need your praises, your words, and I don’t need to prove my worth anymore. I’m still breathing and I’m still living, it’s time I act it. I don’t need to impress you or win your love; I need to win my own love. I don’t need you to love me or talk me up, I can do it myself. I won’t ever win or be the best at everything, I’ll never be the best and that’s okay, because I am the best at being myself. There will always be something hanging over my head, there will always be something to bother me, words to hurt me. But I let it go and life goes on.

A day after, one to remember. A day after my dreams crashed in front of me and you walked away. You weren’t there to say good morning beautiful, I didn’t have to impress anyone but myself. To everyone who said I am beautiful, your right. A day after, one to remember I remember I am beautiful and so is the person reading this feeling the same way I am. To every man that gave me up, no one can dim my light because I am enough and so is the one reading this. Don’t ever doubt yourself because of someone else because you are perfect in all your in perfections even when we don’t see it.