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A Blue Dress Made Me Realize an Uncomfortable Truth

I could no longer deny that I'd gotten fat

By Jade M.Published 2 years ago 8 min read
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Photo by Maryia Plashchynskaya from Pexels

My eyes filled with tears as I struggled to avoid catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I knew I'd gained weight, but I hadn't realized how much until I tried to pull on the blue dress and found it wouldn't go past my thighs. Although my ex-boyfriend would disagree, I'd spent most of my life as either a thin or mid-sized girl. That moment when I was alone in the fitting room was the moment, I realized I was heavier than I'd ever been. My heart sank to my stomach as I realized I was probably plus-sized.

I'd found nothing wrong with plus-sized people. I even thought some of them were beautiful, but I'd never wanted to be one myself. I'd spent my entire life being shown how horrible it was to be fat by the media and my classmates. Whenever a celebrity gained weight, she was accused of letting herself go. Now I was the one who'd 'let herself go'.

I hated to admit it, but I knew what had caused me to gain so much weight. It wasn't food, but a toxic relationship. It wasn't the type of relationship where you enjoy meals together and eventually realize that your clothes have gotten a little too tight, nor was it one where he fed me unhealthy amounts of food. It was the type of relationship where he restricted my intake of calories and demanded that I go to the gym, even if I was sick.

I'd been a vegetarian when we'd met, but that wasn't good enough for him. He became obsessed with my body and told me he wouldn't mind if my weight dropped to under one hundred pounds. He even pointed out things he didn't like about my body and tell me to change them.

I remember a time when he yelled at me for thirty minutes when I'd asked him if we could get a small container of ice cream the next time we went to the store. That interaction drove me to the point of tears. We ended up buying ice cream at the store that day, but I told him to pick the flavor because I no longer felt like eating it.

He accused me of 'trying to let myself go' after I skipped a few days at the gym. Once, I'd gotten sick while in the relationship and lost ten pounds because I wasn't eating. He told me how proud he was of me for losing the weight.

I only consumed sweets a handful of times when I was with him. One time that stands out is when he went to a friend's house, and I went to the grocery store. I was growing more annoyed with his need to control me, so I bought something that he would forbid me from eating, a KitKat bar. I ate the candy bar before I put all the groceries away, and I hid the wrapper at the bottom of the trash can.

As far as I know, my ex never found the KitKat wrapper, but that didn't stop me from feeling guilty about eating it. It seems ridiculous that I'd feel guilty for eating a candy bar, but the way my ex treated me and food had a long-lasting impact on my mental health. I had spent the entire relationship being oddly aware of my size and weight, and it only grew worse towards the end. He would flat out call me fat, and I started only allowing myself one meal a day.

The meals I was eating were usually too small to be considered meals. I often ate things like a single banana or a piece of toast, and I'd ignore my stomach when it growled. My hunger was soon replaced with sadness when I realized I wasn't losing weight fast enough.

When I look back at pictures of that failed relationship, I realize I was never fat. I had just found a man who would never have been happy with me, and who probably wasn't happy with himself. It wouldn't have mattered what I would have done, it would have never been enough for him. He would have always found something else to be critical of, and I'm extremely grateful that we didn't work out.

When we broke up, he made it a point to continue fat-shaming me whenever he got the chance. I didn't realize how much that bothered me until he left me a comment on the YouTube page we'd once shared. The comment said, "You're boring and FAT." He wrote the word fat in all caps as if he wanted to stress that point. He deleted the comment before I ever got the chance to respond, and I'm not sure what I would have said if I'd been able to. I hadn't been overweight, but it didn't matter. His words bothered me so much that I stopped making YouTube videos.

At some point, I blocked him and changed my phone number, and that's when something in me snapped. I realized I didn't have to count every calorie to please him anymore, and I started eating whatever I wanted. I could suddenly enjoy all the foods he'd forbid me to eat. I almost felt as if my snacking was an act of rebellion and healing, but it wasn't. I had lost all grasp of what a healthy relationship with food was, and I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten until I tried on the little blue dress that wouldn't go up past my thighs.

When I was smaller, fitting rooms were fun for me. Sometimes I tried on things that I knew I wouldn't like just to make other people laugh, but there was never a time when I felt the clothes that I tried on wouldn't fit. Now I felt like I wanted to hide, but that I was too big to do so. I left the fitting room feeling like everyone's eyes were on me when the other shoppers probably didn't know I existed.

Maybe it was my fault that I didn't know my size since I'd only worn leggings and stretchy dresses for the last two years. I had just grabbed things in random sizes, and I'd assumed would fit me without giving it much thought. It was as if I still had the mindset of my smaller self.

It might have been that mindset that caused me to scoop up the dress and buy it, even though it didn't fit. I don't know if I liked the dress, but I wanted to fit the dress one day. It was as if I were afraid of being defeated by a blue piece of fabric with a zipper. I felt like I had failed because I had allowed myself to gain weight.

I hate admitting this, but that little blue dress had ruined my entire day and possibly the entire month that followed. I made some healthy changes, like swapping out junk food for fruit, but I also punished myself for gaining weight. I was back to eating different varieties of salads and replacing my meals with smoothies. I ended up losing a little weight, but I knew I wasn't in the right place for it to stick.

I spent the next year punishing myself for being fat. I refused to date or go out with friends because I wasn't happy with the way I looked. Whenever a man was interested in me, I'd assume he liked the fat and not me. I'd avoid being in group photos, and I refused to be in solo ones. I no longer checked my reflection in mirrors. The only time I looked at my reflection was when I applied makeup.

Makeup became therapy for me, and as a result, I got good at it. It almost felt like I was decorating my face since I couldn't decorate my body with nice clothes. Despite my weight gain, I've never considered myself to be ugly, but I prefer the way I look when I'm smaller.

Like many women, my weight forced me to experience a roller coaster of emotions. Finding out about the body positivity movement helped me, especially since it seemed to encompass people from all walks of life. Each person had their own goals, which lead me to accept my own. I want to love my body, but I also want to lose weight. It took me a long time to realize that I could do both.

I learned to love myself for who I was, instead of worrying so much about my looks. I was no longer worried about who was looking at me, and what they thought about my body. I allowed myself to partake in my hobbies and interests, and I didn't care who didn't like that.

I soon realized that maybe I didn't truly love myself until I was fat. I learned I had more to offer than my looks. I was an intelligent, kind person who cared about others. I still want to lose weight, but it's not as important to me anymore.

Surprisingly, I kept the dress, and it still doesn't fit me. Maybe it never will, but it no longer has the same emotional hold on me it once did. It's hanging towards the back of my closet, but I often wonder if I should donate it.

Embarrassment
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About the Creator

Jade M.

Jade is an indie author from Louisiana. While her first book failed, she has plans to edit and republish it and try again. She has a senior min pin that she calls her little editor, and a passion for video games and makeup.

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