When I meet someone that I get excited about, I jump all in! The kind of all in that includes hanging out most days and divulging into learning everything about them. Nonetheless, when you date someone we are all looking for the green flags. what we like about them, how they treat us, their relationship with their family and friends. All of these are make or break red or green flags, supposedly.
However, with me, I dream to have those green flags, but am usually intrigued by those deeper than who wave an easy green flag around. I see the red flag and want to understand the meaning behind them. I see the person beneath the concern. Which has brought me to where I am right now.
I am going to list the 7 Red flags I see in my relationship but am avoiding dealing with. I have always said writing is therapy and a good place to vent and be raw. So here we are.
1. Most times when I tell him how he hurts my feelings, he responds with a comeback that leads to blaming me.
I know guys this is bad; I know it is bad. Even worse I have been through this before to know how bad it can get, but here I am again. The fights always start the same. He or I say something that is offensive, we can read it like a book on each other's faces, the other person reacts. Then we are in a one-sided conversation where he vents at me about all that he analyzed that I did wrong and uses it at me like ammunition. I just sit there and either avoid eye contact thinking about how I don't want to deal with this, or stare at him and say nothing in irritation that the words I may speak could be used back against me.
2. I don't feel heard or seen by him when it comes to what I say!
I have been in relationship that I felt like my side was heard, my feelings were validated, and I felt safe knowing I could tell that person anything and trust them and their support. I can't do that with him. I have to delegate what I can or will talk to him about. I don't need a partner who is my everything, I need quite the opposite. However, we keep fighting over the same bars, we keep talking at each other instead of to one another. I don't feel like I can tell him anything without having to calculate how he may react.
3. He is not the first person I want to tell something to when I get excited, because I worry, he will bring down my excitement.
I think he loves me, at least we have exchanged those words to each other. However, when I get excited about something, he is not my first choice, maybe my third. I have been excited about things before and told him and instead of receiving belief and support in me, I received opinions and logic. There is a time and place for logic, but it should not be used to bring someone's excitement down. Life is fleeting, let me just be excited with a purpose for a minute.
4. I don't really fight for our relationship
I remember being in other relationships and coming out of a fight closer together, or where we worked through something. I don't feel like I do that in this relationship. There is a lot of covering it with a rug and vacuuming over the dirt. Meaning our fights just come to an end usually with someone having to leave to work or something. Then the next time we see each other we either move on or send each other an understanding text with our feelings clearly mapped out in words. It does come from both sides. But sometimes I question my intentions of why I keep keeping it together?
5. I see a future with him, but with the mindset of for how long?
He has stated point blank how he doesn't think I love him or if I actually see a future with him. I dont know why he feels the need to even ask that, but maybe my distance is talking more than my actions. I can't say I don't love him, because that would be a lie, I may not fully, but defiantly a part of me does love him. Also, I can't say I don't see a future with him, because I also see that too, but is it really a future with him, or the dream I want him to be a part of? Based off how he responded the other day to van life and life exploration, it is clear, he does not share my shame dream as me. With that being said, do I still see a future with him, because honestly, I have changed my whole life to be set around a boy before and I don't believe I will let myself down that path again. So, it almost like, he either finds a dream within my dream or he isn't meant to be. Maybe I am the red flag there as I want him to have passions, just parallel to where I want to take my life. I am just not sure if our lives are acutally made to grow together at this point.
6. I see how he is unknowingly manipulative when it comes to our fights.
I keep using that work fights. Now, I know relationship there will inevitably be fighting, two people do not naturally live harmoniously. However, the way he speaks to me, the way he controls his voice while venom skews off his tongue in the form of my name, is revolting. The bullets he is shooting at me with everything that has bothered him. How he brings up past inflictions to make a point. Then it blows up, I want him to leave my area of existence and he refuses, then when he does leave, he comes back and tries to smooth things over, or stands there acting like I will be the one to forgive and forget. It is honestly a true rollercoaster of emotions he puts me through and for what. He would rather stand there and fight the same fight and waste both our time, instead of just giving it some space. He is exhausting me, and it ends with an apology, tearful softness or stand down approach as if all the words he just ranted at me weren't said.
7. He doesn't handle Alone time well
I have been in a relationship where I cared far too much about that person and at the end of the day wanted to change every aspect of myself to make their life better and easier. I completely and utterly lost myself in that relationship and I am so afraid to happen to me again. My mom would also say don't squeeze the salamander, because the more you spend with someone, the less they will want to be around you. Well, this man always wants to be around me, which can be enjoyable if his intentions were true. Sometimes they may be, but honestly, a big part of it is I don't think he knows how to be alone and take time for himself within himself. I think he is afraid of his mind and who he could be, and I am if not his love, then a satisfying distraction with some feelings attached. Nonetheless, after that one really hard breakup I built myself up with a foundation and boundaries. He does not seem to have those, and he actually reminds me of myself a few years ago in that relationship where I lost myself.
Now if you made it this far on my vent catalog, you are probably thinking what all the friends I have let in on my little red flag of feelings. Which usually starts and ends with the "that's not good, why are you with him?"
I wish I had an honest and pure answer to give, something logical or sincere. But honestly, I caught feelings. The highs with him, I feel so understood and cared about and we enjoy exploring new places and trying new food. He will dance in the rain and kiss me in a thunderstorm and partake in my crazy ideas and wanting to capture them. He has so many qualities I love in him, it is just those looming red flags that pull me away from the highs.
Then I have to look at the meaning behind why I stay with him despite these flags. Could I be doing this just to not be touch deprived and lonely again? Or am I actually invested in him and where he wants to go and where we will go? Some days I see that future and others, I just want the last door to shut after a fight to stay closed. Trust me I have come close a few times, but though I find myself not fighting for our relationship by leveling the anger out, I do find myself fighting so he won't be the one who leaves.
I am not sure where to go from here. Based off my 7 large red flags, there is a case and point to all of them. But unfortunately, when your heart gets involved, the logical doesn't seems so logical anymore.