Weight

If I had to choose one song as the soundtrack of my life, it'd be Bruce Brubaker's "Mad Rush", all 16 minutes and 58 seconds of it on loop. At least for this last year of my life. This year has been full of beauty, drama, confusion, excitement, and tears. Lots and lots of tears. And even now, I can't escape the tears. Every emotion you name I've felt, and Mad Rush captures all of that. That's what I put on before I pull off. I'm not even sure where to go, but I think a ride downtown would at least provide me with lights and a great view.

The rain starts to come down heavier but I don't mind. I can hear him telling me, "That's not a good idea," in my head, but I'm gonna do it anyway. I always do. There's no one out here anyway, just me and my thoughts. And right now, I'm questioning if any of the "I love you's" and feelings were real. I know my love for him was...is real, and sometimes I feel like it's too real. Sometimes I feel like it's the most love either of us has felt, sometimes I feel like I love him more than myself. That's a scary place to be.

It takes me a minute before I realize I can't tell if my windows are fogged up because of the rain or if my eyes are blurring my vision. I quickly wipe my eyes, turn on my defrost and keep on driving. Part of me wishes he were here so I could see him face-to-face and talk. I have so much to tell him.

It's not long before I have to pull over. The tears won't stop coming, and I can't breathe. I feel so stupid, lost, alone, scared. He's in LA, and I'm here in Atlanta. We made love before he left. I helped him pack his things for the big move and gave him a gift and a letter to read once he got settled. I'm sure he hasn't even opened it yet. I cried then as I'm doing now, and he kissed every last tear away, told me that everything was going to be okay, that we'd figure things out. But that was two months ago, and I'm pregnant and questioning everything. This is very real. And at the same time this could never be. We both know that and he doesn't have to be here to make that a truth.