Trauma (Plural)

I can feel the pull of someone trying to bring me to the front. I really don’t feel like going out there currently. Not that ultimately, I really have a choice, but I am going to fight it as long as I can manage to.

Being randomly pulled to the front is always a wild ride. You are never really sure what you are about to be in the middle of. Sometimes someone just was too tired to continue controlling the body. Other times, there is a bunch of chaotic shit going down, that for some reason you were chosen to be the one to handle.

Truthfully, it wouldn't be all that bad if when you came out you were orientated and prepared. Instead, it is more like you got chloroformed, relocated, and as you were waking up someone was spinning you on a merry-go-round at full speed.

What journey does today hold?

I look around, trying to ground myself and grasp the details of why I have been chosen to come out. The area I am in looks vaguely familiar, but I’m not sure where I am. It is too dark to really tell. Also, everything sill feels very fuzzy.

“Are you coming?” someone whispers. I look up and make eye contact.

Okay. Casey is here, so that is good. But, coming where? Why are we in the dark? I don…

“Did you switch?” Casey looks concerned by the lost look on my face.

“Yeah, sorry. This is Emory now. What the hell are we doing?”

“I knew Kit would chicken out. They are such a dork. It was their idea in the first place.”

“What exactly was their idea?”

“Breaking in here to get answers.”

Suddenly, I realize exactly where I am. A church. Not just any church. The church where our whole lives changed. I know what answers they were looking for. I know the answers. Kit didn’t chicken out. They just aren’t supposed to know the answers. That is why I am here.

“I really think we should leave,” I plead to Casey. Hoping he will listen without any questions.

“Are you scared too?”

“Uh, yeah. I really don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Alright. I don’t want to push y’all to face something you aren’t ready for yet. We can leave.

Crisis adverted.

I follow Casey back to the window we climbed in. We climb out and dust ourselves off.

“You know, don’t you?”

I panic, “Know what?”

“You know what happened that night.”

I widen my eyes, trying to think of anything I can say to keep my secret.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me. I know some things are too risky to share. You have to keep your system safe.”

Casey hugs me. I feel the stiffness of my muscles loosen up. Breathing in, I feel liquid forming in my eye. “Can we go home?”

"Yeah, of course," Casey looks at my sympathetically "let's go."

We head to my car. I stop and look at it. I am realizing I have never actually driven before. "Hey, Case, do you mind driving us home?"

She agrees. We hop in the car and start driving.

As the minutes pass by, they feel like hours. I can see and feel the lingering questions she has. I can hear the cars passing by us, the whispers of the radio. I can feel my heart racing, my hands like maracas. I want to talk about it. I don't know that I should.

What if my system members find out? What if she tells them? What if I don't tell her and we end up in a situation like this again and I am not able to make it out?

We pull into the driveway, both get out of the car at the same time, and walk into our front door.

I can see through the window that Sam is home early. They are never home early.

We walk through the door and Sam smiles, "I was wondering were you guys had gone. Work let out early today and I was disappointed when I got home and y'all were not here."

"Sorry, we went on an adventure," I sit next to them, resting my head on their shoulder.

Casey is doing her normal anxiety ritual of pacing through the house, looking for something that doesn't exist.

"What exactly WERE y'all out doing? You both seem off. Should I be worried?"

I realize it's time to share. I am nervous, but both of my partners are here. I know them. I love them and they love me. They wouldn't put my system in harms way, and they know telling anyone could do just that.

I look at Casey, "come sit with us"

She looks hesitant. She is trying to self-regulate and not be invasive. She knows that the second she sits down and her mind has freedom to wonder the questions will start breaking out of her lips.

I pat the seat next to me, "Please, love."

She walks over next to me and sits down. She looks at me with eyes full of curiosity and guilt.

I take one of both of their hands in each of mine. "I am ready to talk about it."

Sam looks puzzled, "it?"

"We went to the church today, well Kit and I did," Casey looks down at the floor.

"I know what happened there. Only I know. Kit came really close to finding out today, but thankfully our brain yeeted me to front. I am realizing that while keeping it a secret from you guys seemed like the safest option, it isn't. I am not always able to come out. I can't always protect them. You guys need to know so that y'all are able to help me watch out for them."

"You're sure?" their voices say in sync.

"Yes, but I really need both of you to understand how important it is that you do not talk to anyone else about it, especially any of my head mates."

They both nod in agreeance and turned to face me.

The vibrations I felt in my hands before are slowly started to encompass my entire body. Breathing becomes more intentional than it had been before. My palms become wet.

"Okay, so," I sigh.