Today is Christmas

Today is a day of strong emotions for me. The year that is ending was one of the most enriching and, at the same time, perhaps the most difficult of my life here. It was the year I discovered that magic is real and that the shadow is too, even if we are not always aware of it.

This Christmas was dreamed of by me as one of the happiest of my existence. After so much time of endless searching for my dreams, I projected them with everything I would need to feel happy and at peace.

The universe didn't allow it. Dream by dream, it took everything away from me in a year between heaven and hell for me.

I'm still here, and I'm grateful for this opportunity to do things differently and accept what the universe knows is best for me. However, I can't help but feel, especially today, what I've lost and that it seems to have taken a little of me, both physically and in part of my soul.

I dreamed on this day, which commemorates the birth of Jesus, of having a feeling like his parents had when they received him in this world. That promised and blessed child who came to inspire us all God wanted it to be different. Wherever you are, know that I will always love you and that you live in my heart in every memory of what wasn't, but I felt it to be. Your heart still beats in me, in small beats that I know are yours. I did everything I could to have you here, but God wanted it to be different, and I will have to accept it, even though it hurt like never before to see you leave.

Here I am today, alone and without anything I dreamed of. My chest tightens with all the lost dreams—so many that I fought for, and nothing could prevent them from happening as they were meant to.

I thought so much about giving up, about putting an end to so much disappointment and discouragement, but I couldn't. I wasn't made to give up. And I know more than anyone else that whoever goes down one day will have to rise—even higher than ever before.

I lived through such a difficult year that I was torn apart in everything that I am: my beliefs, my confidence, even my dignity as a human being. I lived the opposite of what I dreamed: I had everything, and from one moment to the next, I had nothing. I was stripped from top to bottom of any and all expectations and of any and all feelings of deserving anything here.

I was naked, cold, and scared, alone in my own shadow, which was so much bigger than I could ever imagine.

But here I am like this, naked and still a little afraid of not knowing exactly where to go, but alive and grateful for the opportunity to, with nothing in me, do differently and to receive differently as well.

So much love in spring and summer—so much joy, dreams, and peace—flowed into an autumn that took everything away, like dead leaves falling like broken promises. This Christmas winter is empty and silent; maybe it is on this special day celebrating the birth of Jesus that I also am reborn.

May that first star that was born after me shine and announce me too; may it be the light that I want to see reflected in me; may it be the lantern of my path; may it illuminate my shadow and bring back the warmth that I lost.

My God, my father, my creator, is grateful for always being with me, grateful for forgiving me my pains and incomprehension for so much that I lost by not accepting your will so many times. You know the purity that I carry in me; you know how far I have already walked and how much I have suffered to be better and to be closer to you. Today is Christmas, and just like Jesus, I am also your child. Even if only today, having you here fills my heart with love and makes me grateful for this magical opportunity to still be here, stronger, more conscious, and so much closer to you. Thank you for everything, my spring sun with the scent of almond blossoms. Merry Christmas to you.

And a Merry Christmas to all! May your star shine and warm you today and always. Keep believing and being grateful for the opportunity to live and love.

We appreciate your exploration of this snippet from "Lost in My Soul: Conversations With the Deepest Parts of Me." If these words have touched your heart, we encourage you to embark on an extraordinary voyage within the pages of my book.

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