The Investigation begins – We’ll Ask the Questions, Thank You.

Last episode, Ben and Ernie had met with the lovely Jemima Watchyousay from Tizer Pharmaceuticals for advice on Ben’s dilemma.

Ben and Ernie sat at the pub, had a few more sherbets*, and grabbed a bite. They ate "a dog’s eye and dead horse*" while coming up with a plan.

The first episode is here if you missed it.

********

“I’m not clear about anything, Ernie, you wacker! All I know is that I am in a whole pile of doggy doo through no fault of my own. I can’t wait till Tuesday when Tina gets back!”

“She’s gunna tell you exactly the same as Jemima; you’re just a chicken, a gutless wonder. Buck, buck, berbuck buck,” piped Ernie, attempting to imitate a chicken.

“Yeah, well, it’s easy for you to say! You know what Ima’s like - she loves her quality. The only alternative is old Tomas Stickler from legal.”

“Look, either way, Ben, you're going to have to tell someone!”

“Only if you agree to tee something up with Jemima next Thursday. I saw the way you looked at her! We could all become good friends. What do you say, Casanova?” jibbed Ben, the eternal salesperson.

“I’ll think about it."

******

Back at the Ranch

“Why didn’t you tell anyone about this sooner? We may have missed the opportunity, but we will look into it,” said Tomas Stickler in his heavy-set European accent.

“Why didn’t you say anything at the time to the lady in accounting? We are going to need her name; otherwise, we can’t really do much. What is her name and who does she work for?” Tomas continued.

Ben started to sweat like a student in front of the principal. He was not on trial here, so why was this hard-arse asking him all these difficult questions? It was not like Fartbender had a Code of Conduct, like most other pharmaceutical companies.

What have you got to say about that, Stickler? he thought to himself. We do not have a dedicated compliance person.

“Look,” Ben said, “I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.” He wished he hadn’t seen anything. If only he had kept quiet this time.

“You have a responsibility to this company," said Stickler, rising out of his chair. “You have an obligation to tell us, or you may be involved in something that you don’t want to be!”

Ben could not believe his ears; he felt like a criminal. His world was falling apart. Damn, he hoped that he got the job with Laxo. He would be close to Tina, and at least they had a Code of Conduct and knew everything about compliance -not like this two-bit company he worked for now!

“It was Mary Uselessmeeni. I saw her shredding receipts after work one day. She works for Larry Pomapdoo in Sales & Marketing.”

There it is, done, thought Ben. I have dobbed in a fellow employee. How low can I go? He hoped he would feel better, but he didn’t.

For the next hour, Stickler grilled Ben. He asked all kinds of questions, except about his underwear size.

“You’ve been very helpful, Ben,” praised Stickler, “but we may want to ask you some more questions. Will that be okay?"

Like I have a choice, thought Ben. “No, that’s fine,” he said, gritting his teeth. “I just want to do the right thing.” He almost added that he wore a large (referring to his underwear size)!

He was amazed. As soon as he said it, he felt a sense of relief. "I only want to do the right thing.” Is that what this compliance stuff is all about – doing the right thing?

“It’s going to get a bit complicated, Ben,” replied Stickler, “confidentially, Mary is about to be promoted. She’s moving departments to work with Ernie Fandangle in Finance. We need to act fast, and remember, don’t discuss this with anyone."

Ben nearly died! Now more than ever, he wanted the floor to open up and eat him.

“Sure,” said Ben, getting out of his chair. He shook hands with Stickler and slinked out of his office, barely able to make his feet work.

(1)A Sherbet is Australian slang for a beer; a dog’s eye and dead horse is Australian slang for a meat pie and tomato sauce.

Till next time,

Calvin

Episode 4 (Next Episode): “Now That's What We Call A Social Wedgie!!!