Simple Words

Life is filled with those small moments that are life changing, eye opening, turning points, or life altering although you may not realize it at the time. It is amazing that such small moments can have such monumental and long-lasting impacts on our paths. My memoir is based on a particular moment that I reflect on often as this wonderful journey of life has brought me to this very moment to share a very personal memory.

When I was young and running the streets of Oakland, California, I had no direction in life and was living day to day in a reckless manner. I truly believed I would not survive the streets when I was in my teens and early twenties. I was just smart enough to know that the consequences of my actions would one day cost me my life. I was either going to wind up in prison or dead. I was okay with that, in fact, I did not care one damn bit. Or at least I thought that I did not care.

I was in a gang, a gang that I started, however, that is another story for another time. Anyone with common sense understands nothing positive comes from being in a gang. You would think that having experienced several losses including family members, friends in other circles, and a couple of friends in my crew to violent deaths would be enough to deter me from this lifestyle. But, these deaths, they were expected and were part of life when you lived the fast life. My family and friends were all aware that death would always be looming on the edges of our existence.

My two good friends SB and Poop (yes, this is their nicknames), we were about 14 or 15 at the time, we would smoke a joint and talk about who would be the first one in the crew to die. We had our guesses based on the knucklehead factor we assigned to each of our homies, but for the most part we were wrong. At that time, these were my brothers, my brothers in arms so to speak.

We were a small crew, about 15 to 17 of us with others on the fringes who were hangers on. We also had a couple of crews that aligned themselves with us so while we were small compared to other well-established gangs in East Oakland, we never had to back down or take a back seat to any of these crews because of our makeup and alliances.

I certainly do not want to glamorize this lifestyle and when I reflect on those days, I feel a great deal of conflicting emotions. I had loved that life, I wanted that life, I would sacrifice anything to be in that life and I would have certainly died for my brothers. On the other hand, it is so damned foolish to risk so much for so little. Violence over differing neighborhoods, cities, or race is utterly ridiculous. I understand my current perspective on life is much different from the early years of life, but you cannot go back and inject knowledge and experience into your past. Still, I believe I have evolved for the better and that must count for something.

The change in my life began with a small but significant moment that turned my life around. I was in my mom’s kitchen, rummaging for food, just another normal day. It was a nice day, warm weather, probably around springtime which is a perfect day in the mild climate of Oakland. I was snacking and waiting around for my day to get started. Sometime in the late afternoon 6my Tia Rose walked in the door to say hello to me as she picked up my mom.

My Tia Rose was truly one of the great people I had in my life. She raised six children on her own in the projects of Oakland. She was tough, direct, but was always nice and considerate. When she first walked in and headed toward the kitchen, I got up from my chair to give her a kiss on the cheek, “Hi Tia Rose, how are you?”.

“I’m fine mijo, how are you? You look good mijo.” Then she took a second look at me and studied my face a bit more. She said, “Oh, I take that back. You don’t look good mijo. You have circles around your eyes, and you look sunk in. You need take care of yourself mijo.”

Then my mom came from the hallway, and they said their hellos and off they went. I was left standing in the kitchen by myself wondering what I looked like to my Tia. I was wearing my favorite white T-shirt that had red and blue writing on it (although I do not remember what it said), I had on my red baseball cap and red sneakers to complete the outfit.

Not immediately, but eventually I went to look at myself in the mirror. I guess Tia’s comment shook off the veil of self-deception I thought I cleverly wore. Suddenly, the dark rings around my eyes became all too clear to me. I could see all the nights of partying and drugs was taking its toll. I looked like I had not slept in months, I probably hadn’t. My cheeks were drawn and I saw too much of my jaw line and protruding cheek bones.

I thought I would be staring at what I thought would be my normal handsome (I know this is very subjective) self. But instead, I was staring at someone who I barely recognized. The person in the mirror looked like he had violence in his life. Like selfishness was a norm. Like the clothes I thought were matching so cleverly were now a bit dingy and worn. Wow. How could I go on all this time and not see myself for what I really was?

As shame started to creep in I thought, what did my family see? I lived with my mom, dad, and sister back then. What did my friends see? What did the women in my life see? I figured they saw what my Tia Rose saw but they never felt it was their place to say so.

Those few words my Tia spoke changed my life forever. Forever. All the changes in my life did not occur that very moment, but the major changes started immediately. I knew I had to stop the drugs and partying. Not only did I need to stop using drugs, I needed to stop selling drugs, I needed to remove the people I had around me, and I needed stop being a jackass and menace.

I was scared about the prospect of big changes and losing the life I knew, but I knew I could not continue the way I was living. The journey to get myself right had begun almost immediately after that day. The progress that followed was not linear nor traditional, but it was a path that allowed me to move past the fear and into a new life.

First things first, the drugs had to go. Letting go of the hustle that I loved so much was harder than using drugs. There is a certain hierarchy in the streets when you are a hustler and I enjoyed that position. Stopping the drugs was not easy though, going to church every weekend even though I do not consider myself religious, was a great way to see the world through a different lens.

I eventually enlisted in the ARMY although I had begun growing a career in the hair cutting industry and had nearly completed the AA program in accounting, I knew I needed to get away to manifest the change I wanted. Off I went to Fort Leonard Wood, MO for approximately two and a half months for basic training then off to Fort Sam Houston, TX for another three months where I trained to be a field medic. The training was intense and mirrored any movie where the training is harsh, and perfection is the only acceptable outcome. This portion of training at Ft. Sam Houston is called AIT, an acronym for Advanced Individual Training. At least I was out of the freezing cold of Fort Leonard Wood where freezing temperatures taught me the true meaning of cold.

I came home a different man after being away from home for half a year. I was in the ARMY reserves for 8 years and honorably discharged in 2003. Thankfully I had never been deployed to a war environment. However, there is always a layer of quilt built in for my brothers and sisters in green who did go to war and never made it home.

After deciding to choose a different career path from the military, I found myself in accounting jobs and eventually into the heavy civil construction industry. I found my niche in construction where I loved the culture, the people, the opportunities, and being part of an organization that built infrastructure in California.

Soon after I started working for wonderful owners and a great construction company, I went back to college to earn my undergraduate degree in business management, then earned a masters in business administration. I am currently enrolled in a doctor of management and just a bit over halfway complete to earning my doctorate degree.

Life is great, I have a great family, my support system has helped me achieve dreams I never knew I could achieve, and life is a far cry from the days I once dwelt in the streets of Oakland. My Tia Rose passed away approximately 10 years ago. She had diabetes and it took her quickly. Both of her legs were amputated below the knees, and she did not pull through. My Tia Rose was my mom’s cousin, her favorite cousin. They both lived lives far harder than the life I lived, that gives me a great appreciation for their love, toughness, insight, and their want for my generation to do better.

I am grateful I had the opportunity to share this experience with her about 15 years ago. It happened to be another nice day and once again she was picking up my mom to go out for the afternoon. My mom walked out the door first and I stopped my Tia Rose asking her, “Tia, can I tell you something?”

With the same cheer my Tia always expressed, she walked over to me in the kitchen, to almost the same spot we had spoke some 20 years ago, “What is it mijo?”

“Tia, a long time ago you told me the truth. You told me I didn’t look good, that my face was drawn in, I had circles around my eyes, and I needed to take care of myself.” I waited a moment not sure how she would respond. Then I proceeded, “Those words Tia, they made me see myself for who I really was. That I needed to make changes in life and that I needed to start now. Because you were able to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth, you helped make me who I am today.”

Again, I waited to see what she would say and I saw her eyes well up with tears, she came over to me and gave me the biggest hug. “I love you mijo.” Then she walked outside to be with my mom.

That was all that needed to be said. I carry that moment with me. I told my mom later in life what my Tia had said to me and how it changed everything for me. My mom said she had wondered what we talked about and why my Tia cried. Then my mom burst into tears, happy tears because she loved my Tia and she loves me.