Put the Toilet Seat down!

We left Ben in the last episode, wrestling with his conscience. Badgered by Calvernicus, he did not know how to get rid of his feelings. His life was falling apart. His friends had left him. Paula Promo seemed set on ruining him. He just couldn’t grasp the concept of a discretionary account. Something did not seem right. What was he to do? …

******

It had been a bad night - nightmares. Ben was not a happy camper.** Ben woke up early, and when he opened his eyes, he immediately thought of Tina. It had been so long since he had spoken to her. He realised now that there would never be anything between them. Too much time had passed, ‘water under the bridge’ as they say. That didn’t stop him from missing her.

He thought about his old mate Ernie and wondered if he was still ‘hiding under a rock’ somewhere. He thought about how little his friendship must have meant to Ernie for him not to even tell him what was up.

His mind wandered to Jemima, but not even thoughts of her could cheer him up. She had cancelled their last two dates because she was busy, or so she said. Ben suspected it was just an excuse and started to feel really sorry for himself.

He started thinking about how he could remember all this compliance stuff. I mean, your brain is only so big, right, and if I make room for all this stuff, then I need to kick some things out the other end.

Some of these thoughts might be worth considering. For example, why do women expect men to always put the toilet seat down after using it?

Why don’t they put it up for me when they have had a wee?

He stopped himself. Seriously, Ben, that is what you're thinking about?

He remembered all the fights his mum and dad had had over this. Ben had committed to store this in memory for when he got married – always put the toilet seat down!

“It’s really quite logical; common sense, you might say,” came a deep voice. Calvernicus, the Godfather of Compliance!

“Leave me alone,” yelled Ben into the vacant space. He jumped out of bed, showered, and got dressed. After his morning coffee, he hopped on the train to good ol’ Laxo. He didn’t like the place, didn’t trust the people, but he needed to stay for a while longer. After all, he now had a ‘discretionary account’ from Mr T, with direct sign-off from Glenny.

He wasn’t quite sure what he was meant to do with it. The instructions were a bit vague, and it all sounded a bit dodgy** to Ben. He had used it the other night, and no one had come back with any complaints. He added another doctor as suggested in the cheat sheet. He charged it to 60743, his discretionary account.

"Use it to get in with doctors,” Mr T had said. “It is just like a frequent flyer program. Don’t be so specific in how you report things. No one wants to know all the details.”

He suspected that the ‘boys’ night out’ a month ago was a test to see if he would pick up the bill. He felt uneasy, especially after talking to Mr T. Something felt off. But since both Glenny and M T approved it, what could he do? Who was he to question them?

Ben didn’t normally read the newspaper; I mean, how much bad news can you stand? He always argued.

That morning, he saw a headline: “Whistleblower gets $1 million for info on corrupt business.”

He wanted to read more, but the train jolted, making it hard to focus. He struggled to read when the lines were straight. Jumping around made it harder. Still, he decided to buy a newspaper to find out what this was about. He was starting to get into this compliance stuff.

Ben got to work, opened his email and started perusing. He opened a message from the VP of Finance: “Ben, we’re in an internal audit. The auditors want to discuss some of your expenses.” Nothing to worry about, I am guessing, just routine. Can you get back to me urgently?" Signed Matha Matician, VP Finance.

As the blood drained from Ben’s face, he felt a tap on his shoulder: “You’re in big trouble, Benny boy!”

He didn’t need to turn around. He would recognise that pesky, raspy voice anywhere – Penny Promo! How he hated her. “Did you read the one from Mrs Pussycat in HR yet? She wants to see you too – something about sexual harassment,” mocked Paula.

Ben was fuming. Ben jumped out of his seat. Paula took a couple of steps back, sensing smoke coming from his ears.

“Firstly,” Ben said, “it is very rude and disrespectful to read people’s emails; that is an invasion of privacy. Secondly, to sexually harass someone, a person must want to engage with them more. That is certainly not the case with you. I wish you would play chicken with a semi-trailer!”

“That’s a horrible thing to say to anyone,” replied Paula, almost breaking into tears. “I’m off to see Mrs Pussycat.”

“Why don’t you do us all a favour and go and work there? I’m going to the loo! I suddenly have the urge,” retorted Ben, grabbing his newspaper as he stormed off.

Not one of his best lines, he thought, but it was all he could think of. I wonder if the toilet seat will be up or down, he pondered as he reached the stall. It was up – "Curses," muttered Ben!

[A/n: **Dodgy – Australian slang for questionable or iffy; ** Not a Happy Camper – Australian slang for feeling worried or unhappy.

Next Episode: Episode 12: We’ll Ask the Questions (Again).

Till next time,

Calvin