Middle Age

I am literally in the middle of my life. Men in my family barely live into their seventies. I will be 39 this year. There have been several turning points in my life. The main one is coming out.

A little background. I came out later in life. I was 34. In some ways coming out later was the best thing for me. There is one regret about not coming out earlier. It is not that maybe it would have made school easier. In my school it probably would have made it easier. It is that i could not tell my parents. Apparently, my mom knew. That's one of those things where you wish they would have told you. I know that is not realistic.

I know of one thing that would have been better if I would have come out in school. That would be my depression. It was bad in High School and through college. I would go months depressed and sometimes angry for no reason. I have never received treatment for my depression. Which I know is not a good thing. That all changed as soon as I came out. It was like a burden was lifted off of me. I won’t say I have never had another bad episode but they did get way better.

Coming out is a journey. I have taken a lot of steps to figure out who I am. It has been a four year journey. At first came out as Gay. That immediately did not feel right. Then I thought maybe I was Bi. That did not feel right either. Then I was watching YouTube coming out videos.

Side note YouTube was a big part of my coming out journey. I watched a lot of coming out videos and Lesbian couples. I just connected more with them.

Lets get back to the YouTube video that let me finally figure out who I am. It was a video talking about Asexuality. That video changed everything. It was like something clicked in my brain. Everything suddenly made sense. After that I added Aromantic also. So basically I won’t have a relationship. I will have a companionship.

Asexuality made sense because I have never had a relationship. Have never been sexual attracted to anyone. I was also just friends with girls.

I am aromantic because I cannot form romantic feelings for anyone. I can do romantic things, but the actual feelings are not there. I am comfortable with this. It has taken me a long time to be ok with basically not feeling love.

Some people may think this would be a lonely life. Sometimes I feel like I may never find someone that will be ok with who I am. Imagine the dating profile. May or may not have sex with you and will never have romantic feelings for you.

There is one last part I have figured out over the last two years. I am not sure what you would call it, but I like to wear womans clothes. That includes bra, panties, skirts. Would love to learn how to wear and walk in high heels. I like makeup. Again would love to learn how to do it. It makes me happy when I am able to do it. That would be another thing to add to the dating profile.

I worry about ending up alone but am really ok if I do. I have friends that make me really happy.

The other two turning points are when I published a poem book and that I have been at my job for 22 years. The book has not done well because I have not promoted it. The fact that I have only had one job and have been there 22 years is a turning point because it might be time for a change soon.