Managing Difficult Personalities with Ease

Imagine you're in a conversation with someone you find difficult. As the discussion heats up, you feel your palms sweating, your breath shortening, and your anger rising. Eventually, you decide to walk away, but as you leave, you think of the perfect comeback you should have said.

This reaction is part of our brain's survival mechanism. When we meet someone new, we quickly form judgments based on our instincts. If you've ever instantly disliked someone, you're not alone. Our brain's "low road," or limbic system, manages our fear and fight-or-flight responses. When we deal with difficult people, we're trying to manage this natural, stress-inducing response. This reaction floods our body with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, making us anxious and impeding rational thought.

Workplace conflicts can lead to serious issues like turnover, absenteeism, and project failures. Since we can't change other people's behavior, we need a different approach. One way is to reconsider how we label people. Instead of labeling someone as difficult, recognize that we create archetypes, like the "not listener" or the "one-upper," based on their behavior.

To manage these interactions better, we can use behavioral intelligence, which involves understanding and managing behaviors. For instance, when someone behaves in a way we find annoying, we might label them stubborn, but we might call a friend exhibiting the same behavior determined. This shows our bias in labeling.

Asking "why" someone behaves a certain way can help us understand their actions beyond our initial judgment. This approach helped resolve a conflict between two managers, "Bill" and "Ted," who had misinterpreted each other's actions due to a lack of communication. By understanding each other's perspectives, they could resolve their issues and work together more effectively.

Predicting behaviors can also reduce anxiety. For example, if you know a colleague's tendencies, you can prepare for their reactions, reducing uncertainty and stress.

Influencing difficult people involves using inclusive language and recognizing positive actions. For instance, saying "We're having trouble communicating" fosters a sense of togetherness. Rewarding positive behavior can also shift the dynamic from adversarial to cooperative.

Ultimately, we must control our reactions to manage stress. Techniques like deep breathing or taking a break can calm our fight-or-flight response. Separating a person's behavior from their identity helps us address issues without labeling them as inherently difficult.

Behavioral intelligence helps us explain, predict, influence, and control behaviors. By asking why someone acts a certain way and managing our responses, we can handle difficult interactions without letting them harm our well-being. It's about protecting your health and maintaining a productive work environment.