How Things Went From Wonderful to Terrifying...

In the days and months leading up to me taking AJ and Rayne and leaving the house to go move in with my father quite a bit happened. It was as if a dark blanket wrapped itself around our once loving home and enveloped every corner of it. There was no escape from the foreboding, oppressive feeling and tensions within our home and it just kept getting stronger with each and every day. Of course these things take time and with domestic violence when your in it you don't wake up to the danger your in immediately or the incredibly toxic environment you have not only yourself in but your children. Wade always worked nights and we were all warned very sternly not to bother him at work unless it was an emergency and also we all knew better than to disturb his sleep during the day. It was difficult to keep the children quite during the day on the weekends when we were all home so sometimes I'd take them to the park or on a walk outside to just get them away for a bit. If Wade was woken up, we'd all get yelled at and especially me because even though he'd say he understood that I couldn't keep them quiet all the time you could tell by his reactions that he expected me to. When NJ and LJ moved in with us LJ wanted to start doing a sport as he'd always been very sports oriented. Wade complained and told him that he didn't think it was a good idea because he didn't know how LJ would get to the games and practices. I volunteered to do what I could when I could because I wanted the child to feel like he was a part of something in this new school he'd be going to and so he could make some friends. I told LJ to go ahead and sign up for his chosen sport which was basketball and that I'd make it work. Wade said since I had went behind his back with this in his mind I would be responsible for getting LJ to and from practice and the games even though the last of the conversation we'd had he'd said if we could sort out the details then he guessed it was okay. LJ's mother ended up taking him to some of the games and picking him up from practice a time or two but between myself and her we were the only ones that were ever there for LJ when it came to his basketball games. I tried to manage things as best I could while also trying to remember to take time out for myself and improving my own mental health and well being. I started a new church where I fell in love with the congregation and the pastor who spoke with such wisdom and knowledge that I was drawn to him in a way that I have not been to a pastor in a long time. I am one of those who considers myself in the way of religion a follower of Christ. That, I believe, is all you need to know and all you really need in life. God has gotten me through everything I've ever been though in my life and He certainly has helped me through this experience. I do not know how I would've seen through that dark cloud in my home without Him. I find that I do not remember a lot from that time period as my brain has blocked most of it out for my protection I suppose. I remember one morning in particular though this happened countless times, Wade stumbled downstairs still drunk from the night before or perhaps high I am not sure which and knocked over a chair from the dining room table as he rammed into the table itself. He fell to the floor. I remember LJ was in the room I believe and Rayne, I remember seeing the look of fear in their eyes as he got up, laughed it off and stumbled back upstairs. I remember once while giving Rayne a bath, Wade came in and got upset with me over something I cannot even remember what and proceeded to yell and scream at me and get in my face to the point I was backed into a corner in our bathroom. I remember running out of the room and to our bedroom hoping against hope that Rayne could avoid seeing us fighting because he wouldn't stop when I asked him to.... She later asked me why daddy was so mean to me sometimes? What do you say in a moment like that? I just said daddy gets angry and he doesn't know how to control himself. Once, Wade was having severe trouble with his blood pressure to the point I was afraid he was going to have a stroke just like my step dad did in 2020 so I made him get up and go to the ER. Wade acted horrible the whole trip, he was verbally abusive to the nurses and myself and although they got his BP down somewhat they weren't able to do much due to his ranting and raving. He told me I should've just left him in bed. From then on, I did. I thought to myself "If you would rather die in that bed then I'll let you. It's one thing for you to take your anger out on me but thoses nurses were just doing their job." I tried telling him that the nurses didn't do anything wrong but he wouldn't get past anything other than saying they were idiots. I remember countless nights in my bedroom closet giving myself 5 minutes to break down, wish I was dead, thinking I should be dead before sucking it all back in and going back out there to my children. I remember one day he had me feeling so worthless after a fight that I can't even recall the what for that I took to my son's room since he was at my ex's house and I laid there all day sinking into my depression until Wade came in to tell me that it was time to suck it up essentially and lets go figure out supper. The night I had a panic attack on the bathroom floor right after my shower. Suddenly, it was all too much. The dim lights in the bathroom, the water soaking my body, my skin, my hair; I couldn't stand any of it...I started clawing at myself, sobbing I sank to the floor...unable to die, unable to live. The night that scared the daylights out of me and still I stayed a couple of months after that was I had come into the bedroom, he was arguing with me about God only knows what, the room was dimly lit, the TV off and I got up close to him to try to reason with him, I sat on the bed next to him and as I looked into his eyes for just a split second both eyes turned completely black. I said something to quickly agree with him and end the argument and practically ran out of the room. I went outside after that; quickened breath, heart racing, what in God's name had I just witnessed? This was a whole new ballgame...I thought we were just dealing with addiction. What on Earth was this or was it Earth at all? I was shaking when I laid in the bed next to him that night and the nights after that. Before I entered the room, I prayed for protection from The Most High and that I may not absorb any negative energy that may be in that bedroom. The next morning at work, I googled what could cause a person's eyes to turn black and a couple of things popped up....demon possession, narcissism. I was married to a narcissist and an addict.