Emotional Rollercoaster

Just when things are going good they fall again. I thought I had my head on straight but I didn’t. Never would I think I would be pregnant for the third time. There is no way in hell, because my second was so painful and miserable, but here I am. I was married before, and then it was a lot more simpler. This dad is a dead beat drug addict. He lives with his roommate who has a horrible gambling problem, and can never pay his bills. The “dad” is also a huge gambler and works and tries to pay the bills but still gambles too much. When I told my mom I was pregnant again, the whole world fell apart. She basically told me to choose the family or the new baby. I was a disgrace because of being pregnant. My mom wanted me to have an abortion. Not only wanted, but literally trying to force me into having one. She threatened the custody of my kids, my life, and had told me that I would better off be dead. Pregnancy isn’t the end of the world, but to her it was. She seemed more concerned about herself, and what her friends would think. I was already the black sheep of the family. She would send me messages constantly about having an abortion, and saying my ex husband would want to take full custody of the kids. She called on my siblings to harass me to have an abortion, and tell me it was the right thing to do. I mean, after all the father wasn’t in a good place and didn’t want anything to do with the kid anyway. I was emotional for weeks about the decision I had to make. My mom thought she could have control over me and make the decision for me. During this period, I lost my person and best friend. Someone who was always honest, and someone who opened my eyes and taught me so much. I was kind of devastated but kind of relieved. Maybe we needed a break from everything and each other. It made me stronger and more goal oriented for myself rather than trying to help and fix everyone else.

My mom tried contacting lawyers to see if she could get legal aid to help her force me to have an abortion. The kids were emotionally stressed as I was having to listen and deal with this. The thing she didn’t realize it wasn’t her decision it was mine and mine alone. She didn’t talk or associate with me for a while and the kids were getting confused. My sister wouldn’t let my kids around her cousins because she is upset I didn’t have an abortion. Honestly, does this really affect them at all. No, it doesn’t just me and the kids. So after the whole ordeal, I decided to keep the baby and have it. I know everyone has a different stance on abortions, but I could never have one. The thought just makes me sick to my stomach. I’m pro choice but my choice is personally I can’t.

The relationships in the family are not that great, and my mom still is trying to control me. Honestly the whole I’m the mom and you’re the child doesn’t work on me anymore. I’m almost 40, yes I know too old to be having a third child. But the baby will be loved regardless if he has no one in the immediate family who cares. This has been such an emotional rollercoaster experience that I would never wish on anyone. What I’ve learned was, no matter how much I try; my mom will always try to have control of me, and want to make all the decisions on my behalf. I’ve come to realize I am my own person and no one can make decisions for me.

23 weeks have gone by, and the baby boy is growing so much. Im turning into a beach whale. Something I needed to be ready for but wasn’t.