Dare to Ask

The lessons I learned about keeping my wishes and desires to myself started early and repeated often.

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I broke my mother’s cheese plate when I was about 8 years old. It was white, with a built-in lip around the edge, and a round raised spot on which the uncut cheese sat. A small dullish knife with a white handle completed the set.

It broke into smithereens when I dropped it.

I ran onto the steps that led to our second floor, crying my eyes out. My uncle was visiting that day and came to sit by me on the steps. I wanted to get her another plate. He told me he would buy her one, that I should stop crying, that he would take care of it.

I believed him.

After he had gone home, my mother asked what he had said to me. I didn’t want to tell her. I knew she would be surprised when he came back with the plate. I just shook my head and smiled, the tears of earlier in the day forgotten.

She didn’t press me for details, but she did tell me that sometimes my uncle promised things that he wanted to do, even though he wasn’t able to make them happen.

I waited a long time for him to come back with that cheese plate. He never did. Promises were seldom fulfilled in my home. I learned not to hold my breath for things that were promised.

~

My grandparents were amazingly loving, giving people; I am the oldest of their grandkids. No one would ever leave their home hungry or a stranger. My youngest sister, for as long back as I can remember, would ask about the things in their home.

• Where did this come from?
• What is this used for?
• Can I have it when you are done with it?

She would do the same with me.

• Where did you get that coat?
• What kind of ring is that?
• Can I have it when you die?

Somehow she missed the instructions I received when I was small: Don’t talk about what we do in our house. Don’t ask anyone for anything. We take care of ourselves.

I wondered how she could actually ask for what she wanted. I was embarrassed to listen to her. I sat, and watched, and waited. Hoping that someone would see that I wanted something, too.

~

As a young girl, engaged to be married on December 22, my husband-to-be asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I didn’t know what to say, so I told him that just being married to him would be present enough.

He knew me so well I was sure it was a tricky way to surprise me. He must already have purchased the gift! My present for him had been wrapped for several days already.

I was disappointed when there was no gift to unwrap during our honeymoon.

I didn’t know how to ask for a present. Surely, if he loved me, he would know what would make me happy without me telling him?

~

Santa was on hand at work one day in November. Our flagship store turned into Wonderland for two months and Santa was there for the after-tree-lighting party. I don’t believe in “Santa”: he’s for children that need the magic, the make-believe.

I left before he made his big appearance. As I made my way through the office towards my car I turned a corner and came face-to-face with Santa Claus.

“Oh,” I said, “I thought I’d missed you!”

“Ho Ho Ho!,” he said, “I thought I’d missed you, too!”

And Santa kissed my cheek then walked away towards the party.

~

We had a gift exchange at work one year. There was a spending limit, and on the appointed day we would gather and exchange presents. Part of the exchange was sending in three gift suggestions, three items that we would like to receive.

I almost backed out of participating. It seemed impertinent to state that I wanted anything at all. But I didn’t want to be the weird person in the group so I asked for one of these three things, all of which would be something I’d enjoy:

• Coke Zero, in bottles
• A plant that would grow in the light available in my cubicle at work
• A bookstore gift card

Opening the envelope and seeing that gift card was both a gift and a reward for taking the risk and telling someone what I wanted.

~

I’m changing as I grow older. Learning a few things about wants and about giving. About asking for help; for sharing the desires of the heart.

This is a good time of year, when thoughts turn towards giving thanks, to also remember: people can’t read my mind.

And along with that- it’s not fair of me to feel hurt when they don’t read my mind and take my silence as a statement that I don’t care about what happens.

Because I do care. I care so deeply that I’m afraid to speak the words and describe the things that mean so much to me. I’m afraid to tempt the outcome of revealing too much and being disappointed. Again.

My Four Takeaways

1. Just because you’ve learned a lesson many times doesn’t mean things can’t change.
2. Love always carries the risk of not being reciprocated, but it’s worth it to take the chance.
3. Revealing your own desires allows people to connect with you over the risk.
4. Being a thankful recipient enhances the experience for the giver as well as the person that receives the gift.

~

So, in the spirit of lessons and risks- here is my ask for you:

Please leave a comment: What is something you now wish you had asked to receive? What is your favorite gift, and why? Do you struggle making 'gift lists'? What is your go-to grab bag gift?