Confucius Says When a Bird in the Sky Poops On You....

Last episode, Ben was in a tizz as he had been asked to spend time with the auditors. His only saving grace was that he was rather taken by Lizzy Whoa. Lizzy had been sent to accompany Ben back to his desk to retrieve his laptop so that she could obtain a copy of the transactions and notes he had in his drawer relating to account 60743 - the discretionary account …

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"Don’t worry about Doug,” reassured Lizzy as they walked to Ben’s office, “his bark is worse than his bite. He is just doing his job, and he is very good at his job. He has saved the company several times from getting into trouble."

As they walked into the office area, Ben’s archenemy, Penny Promo, was coming the other way.

“Creep,” was the only word she said.

“Drop dead,” replied Ben as they walked past.

He then remembered who he was with and hastily apologised for his behaviour. He explained that they had a history which he would rather not go into. Lizzy just smiled.

“Here is my file and here is the electronic file,” said Ben, showing Lizzy his computer screen. Before he could do anything about it, Ben realised what he had done. He had broken the rules of Audit training 101 - never show your computer to an auditor.

What's more, he had broken rule number 2 - never hand over a whole file - especially when it is labelled “Discretionary Account: 60743.”

This contained all of Ben's notes on how he had calculated what was required to make the books balance. How could he have been so stupid as to leave all those sticky notes everywhere?

Ben went to grab the file back, but Lizzy had both hands on it and was not going to give it up.

Their eyes met. For a moment, Ben thought there might be something there. He was right; there was. The look said it all. Ben's heart fluttered at what he was sure was twice its normal rate. Was he dreaming? No, he was not dreaming; it was for real.

He was sure Lizzy was about to say, “Let go, or I will rip your arms off!” Instead, she said, “Come on, Ben, it's OK... We are both on the same side here,” and fluttered her eyelashes. Ben let go.

Ben woke from his daze and opened his eyes as he sat on that park bench. Suddenly, he felt very alone. The auditors now had his notes and a screenshot of the expense claims. This showed all the transactions for account 60743. His head was throbbing.

He had been up since sparrows fart** searching the web for the largest fines for bribery and corruption. He had been consoled by the fact that companies were generally fined, but not individuals. I was short-lived. Recent articles noted: “The DOJ will increase personal liability (The Yates memo); a sales rep got one year for bribing doctors; a VP received 16 months in jail.”

It was the last article that he had read that really upset Ben - “Whistleblower Goes into Hiding over China GSK Case."

He could not be detained, but the more he thought about it, the more he thought this must be Tina. He had this feeling. Ernie was in trouble, and now Tina too. Ben, who just wanted to help, got caught doing someone else's dirty work.

He sat forward and put his head in his hands; what was he to do?

As he did, he heard that too-familiar voice - “Ben, Ben, Ben. Have you learned nothing? Are you incapable of realising what is right and what is wrong?”

He was in no mood for another lecture from Calvernicus, the godfather of compliance.

"Go away!” he yelled. “I don’t need you and your words of wisdom. I am doing just fine. I don’t need you!”

Ben heard a chuckle from Calvernicus and then a squawk from a bird in the tree above him. He felt this cool spot on the back of his head. Putting his hand on his head, he felt a wet, sticky spot and that voice again,

“Sure about that, Ben?”

Great! thought Ben. I thought it was good luck when a bird pooped on you. What would the

The Chinese know how many birds have pooped on their heads.

[A'n: Sparrow's fart: Australian slang for very early in the morning.]

The next Episode: Episode 14 - "Ben’s Moment of Truth Arrives”

Till next time,

Calvin