Again, We’ll Ask the Questions

In our last episode, Ben had not had a good weekend. His home football team, the Gunadoo Crocodiles, had lost the Grand Final by a point. At the game, he saw his childhood sweetheart, Lindy Lookinsogood. She had just married his best schoolmate. He couldn’t blame her; she was gorgeous.

It made him think of Tina, his long-lost love. Then there was Jemima, who wanted nothing to do with him. And his best mate Ernie? He was sure Ernie had turned whistleblower. More bad news on the way, Ben …

******

He sat down and opened up the paper. There it was: ‘Whistleblower gets $1 million payout for dirt on corrupt business.’

The DOJ announced today that it paid $1 million to a former accountant. He gathered records and data about Fartbender Pharmaceuticals, a struggling drug company. The company faced accusations of paying government officials. In return, it received purchase contracts at several senior care homes. The company is well-known for its top products—Fart-away® for flatulence and We-goodly® for incontinence. It successfully closed prosecutions over two months ago.

Ernie, thought Ben. This is Ernie; I must get in touch with him.

Ben looked into whistleblowers and was shocked by how much money some got. He believed that if you snitched on your organisation, you’d lose your job. That’s what happened with Ernie—he’s just gone.

Even worse, today was the day he had to face the internal auditors. He felt alone and discouraged. As he walked into the office, he crossed paths with his arch-enemy Penny Promo. Be nice, he thought to himself; you do not need any more trouble. "Be nice, be nice,” he kept repeating to himself.

“Hi Benny, have you been to HR, or do you see Internal Auditing first?” she said with a smile.

Be nice, he kept thinking, “Be nice,” he said, not realising it was out before he could do anything.

“What?” she said, “You’re sick!”

He put his lunch down on his desk and opened his email.

TO: Ben Boa

FROM: Marta Matician

SUBJECT: Urgent - Please call me when you get in

The blood drained from his face - his time had come. He reluctantly picked up the phone and dialled her number.

“Martha,” said a tough-sounding voice at the other end.

“It’s Be--enn here, Be-n--nn Boo-a,” he answered nervously “You wa-wan--want-ed to see me?” “Yes, Ben, can you come down to room 123?”

"O.K.," said Ben, feeling very nervous and not too good about this. He didn’t have much experience with auditors. Yet, he recalled Ernie always cursing during internal audits.

Ben knocked and walked into the meeting room. There were four people in the room, three on one side of the table and one on the other. He thought the lady alone was Martha Matician. The other three—a young, attractive lady and two men—were the auditors. Why were all these female compliance people so good-looking, he thought to himself.

He smiled nervously. They did not smile back.

“Sit down, Ben. I am Matha Matician, and this is Joe Holyman, Doug Selfrighteous, and Lizzy Whao. They are from Internal Affairs with our corporate accounting firm, Bernie and Old.”

Ben moved to the nearest chair, which was by the door and on the same side as the auditors.

“Not there!” snapped Doug Selfrighteous, “sit on the other side where I can see you! I want to be able to look into your eyes.”

Pervert, it’s not a date, thought Ben as he nearly tripped over trying to get to the other side. His foot got caught in the leg of the chair and nearly, but not quite, landed on his scone.

“Sorry,” he said, “I’m a bit nervous.”

“You should be!” snapped Doug.

Ben felt his breakfast rising in his stomach. He did not have a good feeling before, and now he felt like he was going ‘to lose his lunch'**. If he did, it would be all over Doug. He wasn’t so worried (he had decided he didn’t like him).

He didn’t want to be sick on the pretty lady at the end who had nothing but a reassuring smile for him. He remembered meeting Tina on the train, all because he had spilled coffee on her.

“Now Ben, we need you to explain some of these expense reports you have here,” said Joe, breaking the silence. "You have four expense reports for doctors' meetings, one on Jan 16, two in February, and one two weeks ago.”

“Yes,” said Ben, trying ever so hard to be interested. He couldn’t recall the four expense claims. However, the one from two weeks ago troubled him. That was the week he went out with Mr. T and Glenny E. Bakerson.

“Don’t interrupt, son!” piped in Doug in a very condescending manner.

“Now, let’s talk about the four expense claims:

• One claim is for $640 with two doctors.

• Another is for $780, which includes a doctor and his two nurses.

• The third one is $110, and that’s okay, but it’s for four 24 Big Macs.

• Lastly, we have a claim for $1055, which is for five doctors.”

What have you got to say about these, bit strange I would say.”

Ben felt like he was about to come a gutser.** “I don’t know what to say,” said Ben with a blank look on his face. “Can I go and check my records?”

“Sure, the account number is 60743. Be quick. Why do you have to go back to your desk? Why can’t you look it up on the laptop? Give him your laptop, Martha!"

“I’ve got notes in my drawer; I’ll get them and come back, but can I ask you some questions?”

“What? We’ll ask the questions; thank you. Now go get those notes. Lizzy, you go with him.”

Well, it’s not all bad, thought Ben; I get to meet Lizzy. Then it hit him, and he nearly lost his breakfast again. Account 60743 - the discretionary account!

“Use it to get in with doctors,” Mr. T had said. "It is just like a frequent flyer program," he had said.

Ben’s legs started to turn to jelly. What was he going to do now to embarrass himself in front of Lizzy? Fall all over her?....

[ A/n: 1) ‘To lose his lunch’: To vomit: ‘Come a gutser’: a bad mistake or have an accident.]

Next Episode: Episode 13- Confucius Says When a Bird in the Sky Poops On You …..

Till next time,

Calvin