Chapter 23: The Feeling of Feeling Alive

CONTENT WARNING: This work contains discussions on personal experience with severe depression. If this may be harmful to you, I encourage you to not read, and if you are in any kind of danger, I beg you to reach out to someone, find your local hotline number, and remember that there is always something to keep going for.

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To some, it may feel like a lifetime, to others it goes by in the blink of an eye.

When you did not expect to see it come to fruition, ten years, whether it is lightning-quick or moves by at a snail's pace, feels simply magnificent.

I can't necessarily say it is has been exactly 10 years, of course. While I have not been depressed since the day I opened my eyes on this Earth, it has no exact start and end date. However, as the days to New Years' 2024, when it has, in fact, been precisely ten years since I my relationship with depression and suicidal thoughts changed for good. Every day of my life since then has been nothing short of a challenge to win, a finish line to cross, and I have come to terms with the fact that, within ten-years time, my outlook on myself and my life has changed drastically enough that I may yet always be running that race.

The good news? You are in that race with not a single soul other than yourself.

If you want to stop and smell some roses? Take all the time you wish. Need a glass of water? Have two, because nobody is going to come along and bump you into second place. Tie your shoes, take your rest, drink your water, and just keep on running. You can even walk if you need to!

The only thing we are all outrunning is the reaper, and he is not trying to beat you. He is the friend you call when your life is falling apart --- cheering you on from the sidelines, and there to pick you up when you fall, when you truly cannot go on anymore. However, he is not running behind you, throwing his feet out in an attempt to trip you up. The only two people who know when you can truly no longer reach that finish line, are you and him, and he is cheering you on until you know you have truly given it everything you have left.

The only thing you have to do? Keep finding something left to give.

I have learned that there, truly, with time, is always something to fight for. I have learned that oftentimes, people will not believe me when I explain just how much I feel, how much I think. How often will I hear that I am being dramatic or extra or feeling too much?

Jane Austen wrote an entire novel about it --- sensibility is not a bad thing, especially when you couple it with sense. Emotional Intelligence --- leads to sympathy, empathy, understanding. Coupled with sense, and we grow as people. We know ourselves, we know what is right and wrong, we know how to love, and we know how to live.

Sense, I have. I understand my own moral code, I understand those unspoken guidelines of society, and I understand how to meld the two. I also understand that life is simply too short, for one random amount of years only, and too beautiful. Because that's just it. The one thing you learn after spending so many of those years dancing with death?

You learn life.

Turn the page to read Chapter 24.

It's going to be a long one.