Another Bleak Morning

It’s another bleak morning, one of many I have nearly become accustomed to. Despite the cozy bed I had perfectly made the night before, I find myself waking up on the couch: my neck feeling stiff from the awkward angle of my sleep, and my comforter half spilling off onto the floor from me tossing and turning at night.

For some reason, maybe as a cruel joke from the universe, I wake up thirty minutes prior to my alarm going off. No matter how much I wish I could fall back asleep and recover the rest I desperately need, I can’t.

No matter how many times by this point I never woke up in the first place, I still did.

After pretending to ignore my alarm when it finally rings for about five minutes, I start to turn on one light at a time in my house, acting as a beacon for my neighborhood at 4 a.m. I start my water boiler to make my tea, double-check that my bag has all my things, and take a shower that only makes me feel more miserable from knowing I need to leave the warm water.

By the time I am all ready to go, it’s nearly 0430. when I’m out the door and heading to my place of work: an active-duty ship for the United States Navy. I have been enlisted for nearly six years now, gone on countless underways (went out to sea), and over time have felt the weight of it all piled higher and higher. Walking up the brow in the freezing morning did nothing less than cripple a person’s mental state. Getting on board the ship the morning that we were supposed to go out to sea again made people feel even worse.

Many people who join the Navy usually give a reason akin to “wanting to see the world” or “sailing the seven seas”. What most people don’t account for is that the Pacific Ocean looks just the same as the Atlantic when there’s no land on the horizon. Still, I’ve always admired the Sailors around me who maintained that positive attitude, especially the junior Sailors who wanted to turn their lives around and make something of themselves. You can always tell who was there just to say they were in the Navy, and who was there to get away from a bad past.

Personally, my experience in the military has been mixed. As cliche as it sounds, I too was a “motivated joe-Navy Sailor” who wanted to do cool things and fight the bad guys. It wasn’t until I had the opportunity to do so that I realized that the grass is always greener on the other side. I guess you can say when you peek behind the curtain of the inner workings of the world, all the glory and passion pales in comparison to the horrors you end up learning about; this is especially true for the military.

I do have a saving grace though, or at least I did. My final Command was a “small-boy” ship, whom I only had a division of about 11 Sailors to look after. Sure, we had our problems as any dysfunctional family would, but seeing their faces always made my day just that much better. Teaching them a skill, watching them succeed at a task, and taking part in the silly stupid moments that no civilian would understand, was what made my time worth it.

I remember a time standing night’s watch (1900 to 0700) within our shop, we had this giant whiteboard with our list of tasks, scheduled appointments, and other hidden obscenities. During said watch when we finally had a bit of downtime, we started making silly little brackets about what our favorite movies were, favorite games, favorite music genres, and everything that we all enjoyed broke down into an elimination-style bracket. Of course, each of us fought for our “favorite thing” to surpass the other, and boy did we argue. I don’t think I can ever explain to my family how loud someone can yell trying to defend System of a Down over Metallica at 0300.

Yeah, tiny things like that made all of it worth it.

Then it was the outbreaks of events that would keep us on edge. Whether it was something catching fire, an incoming unknown small craft, or something from the Commanding Officer, there was always something that kept us busy. Just after picking up Petty Officer First Class, I always had paperwork to do, which always annoyed me because of how much better I was at being a technician than a Sailor, but that’s a conversation for another day.

Still, in the few months I had left in the Navy, I did what I could to help the people in my shop the best I could. Whether it was endless training on complex problems I’ve experienced in the past with our systems, giving signatures for qualification packets (a big deal for people in the Navy), or just providing general advice on things that have helped me through the years.

In the lingering moments before my inevitable departure, I thought of how much better I would feel after I left the military, given the dark moments I have had in my career. People would stop by where I worked and say their goodbyes, to which I always replied something like “I’ll see ya on the other side”.

What I didn’t realize was that after I left, my biggest problem would be falling asleep to the silence in my bedroom.

No active engines or running water in the pipes in my walls, none of the background noise from Sailors in my compartment waking up to get ready for their day shift while I was just leaving night’s and trying to go to bed, no random alarms and beeps and sirens, no snoring from five other people, none of that would ever be in my bedroom. Yet I always found it easier to sleep through all that chaos than in my own bed.

As I come up on my second year out of the Navy, I can’t help but wonder how all of them are doing right now. I’ve kept in touch with a few of them, but most of the Sailors in my shop are still there underway on the same ship I had come to curse under my breath.

It’s still hard sleeping to this day. Even as I write these words it’s reaching midnight and I have no intention of sleeping anytime soon. My therapist always recommends that I finish up my work by around 9 pm, drink some caffeine-free tea, maybe read a book, and be tucked into bed by 10 pm. It’s funny how in the Navy, all I did for my evening routine was drink three Redbulls to stay alert throughout the night, put on headphones from an old iPod, and pass out like a baby to the rocking ship. Now, I can barely get my eyes closed without shifting around for longer than five minutes.

Maybe I should try sleeping on the couch again. If any, just to recreate another bleak morning where I pretend that I need to wake up hours before the sun rises. To recreate the feeling of the brisk air on my face while I desperately try and warm up my care. To recreate the dread of walking back on board a ship I had once cursed under my breath. If any, just to see the only people in the world I cared about at that time.

Yeah, I think that will work.