New Me

One day, I was scrolling through endless Tik Tok videos and I saw this beautiful woman. Her hair was long and honey blonde. Her makeup was slayed to the Gods. Her lashes were long and luscious. Her contour had her cheekbones looking sharp. Her smile was bright and perfect. Not one crooked tooth insight. She didn't have one pimple on her elegant face. Her eyes were a light sparkly gray. I loved her room, her vibe, and her skin glowed. I was like how does she look so beautiful. She had over one hundred thousand likes, and her comments were filled with praises of her beauty. On Tik Tok, you see a plethora of attractive people, but that day I felt insecurity knocking.

I had not retwisted my hair in about a month and I couldn't remember the last time I had bought a new outfit. I got up and looked into the mirror. I was tired from work and school most days and on my only day off I had class. I noticed that my acne was spreading. A breakout was an understatement. I had gotten on some new birth control and my face was not loving it. I knew it was the new birth control because my whole face was covered in pimples. I popped and prodded at the ugly pimples. This was not the way I wanted to look. Acne had already been an insecurity of mine and this Loc journey was taking a lot of confidence. I began to pull at my hair. It felt dry and my new growth was pulling out of my locs. The bland black hair was short and looked bulky on my small head. I looked at my crooked teeth and shook my head.

I sighed. I sat back down and got back on Tik Tok when another beautiful woman popped up on my phone. Her body was like BAM. She was perfect. I looked down at my small boyish body. I was twenty years old but I felt like I looked like a little girl still. Before you say it, yes I know I am young but these twenty-year-olds are out here looking like grown women. I am not a hater, I told myself. I love seeing beautiful women. I am attracted to females, it wasn't jealousy, I just wanted to date them and look like them.

As the night ran on, I continued to scroll through Tiktok. My mind drifted to the thought of me being beautiful, of me getting back to taking care of myself. Listen, we are in a worldwide pandemic, so I work from home and I only go out to the Gym and run basic errands. This means that I haven't gotten to dress up since my twentieth birthday almost a year ago. I wanted to look and feel beautiful.

I love my home but It’s hard. The lack of fun due to increasing bills and the everyday stresses from working. From sixteen to my current age I've worked hard. I cannot count the number of people that have insulted my hair. When I simply couldn't prioritize myself. As young adults, we are tossed into entry-level customer service. I would work forty hours a week while attempting to pass school. It was hard, and it still is. I stopped getting dressed up way before Covid. Until that day I barely noticed that I wasn't taking care of myself the way that I wanted to.

I had to change. I wanted to work on loving myself and fight depression. I already was doing yoga, working out and I had a job. Those felt more like I was crossing off tasks to make me happy. I wanted to genuinely wake up and love every day. I left my full-time job and began working part-time hours. I let go of everything that didn't benefit my life, for the most part.

These thoughts ran through my mind for a couple of days. When I got my paycheck I bought some makeup, skincare products, new clothes, and new wigs. I was ready to be as beautiful as the women on Tiktok. The total had to have been around three hundred dollars but I was happy to be spending money on myself.

The next day, I grabbed my sister and we went shopping. I was into makeup back in high school but I was not good. This time I watched Youtube tutorials, Tik Tok videos, and I practiced. It took me four times to find my perfect foundation. Being beautiful is expensive.

I did not enjoy wearing my locs at this time. I hope the natural community doesn't attack me. Some Days I love my gorgeous locs and I enjoy the journey. Other days I want to throw them under a wig and wear different styles. I enjoy the luxury of doing both.

When I began dressing up at home and making myself feel beautiful I felt happier with my life. I'm still taking care of myself and loving myself. Covid taught me to pay more attention to the world around me and focus on the things I love. Which Includes me. I encourage everyone to live their life the way they want to. Do what puts a smile on your face no matter how small or big. Don't lose touch with reality scrolling through unrealistic expectations. Spend time with the people who love you and enjoy every moment.