When Talent is Non-Existent

When I saw Sam Spinelli's challenge, asking us to name and shame our five least favourite songs, I got very excited. I can be a grumpy, judgemental, opinionated ass at the best of times (ask Ruth, the good lady wife!), but when it comes to music, I've learned to try and keep schtum when I think something is terrible. All because I'm just trying to be a better person (My Name is Earl opening ref, anyone?).

This challenge, though, gives me carte blanche to let the vitriol flow. And so it shall.

Music is one of my main companions in life. Thanks to my late father, Shug, I have fairly eclectic and broad tastes. Springsteen, Pearl Jam, Black Sabbath, REM are mainstays, but I’ve yet to find a genre I don’t like something in.

So, it takes a lot for something to truly trigger me. Still, these manage it. Just to be sure, I went to the trouble (and it was trouble) of trying to listen to each of them again. And yes, I still hate them.

John Lennon – Imagine

Where do I even begin? It’s still hailed as one of the greatest songs ever. (Rolling Stone’s 2024 Top 500 list has it at #19.)

It’s really not. There are hundreds of songs by The Beatles that beat it to death with a rubber duck. Even Lennon’s Happy Xmas (War Is Over) has similar sentiments but feels more sincere.

The lyrics are saccharine and senseless. As if someone went to a philosophy course and decided “Oh, no god” is the solution to everything. Wtf. Yoko said John just believed in the sentiment. I don’t. Not that I’m against harmony. But it’s kindergarten thinking to assume all our problems vanish if we just forget what makes us different.

I won’t be listening anytime soon. And the fact that A Day in the Life—one of my favourites—is outside the Top 20 while Imagine sits high makes me even more annoyed.

Smash Mouth – All Star

I just can’t get behind Smash Mouth. Sorry, Smash Mouth fans, but not really.

Yes, it’s the Shrek song. The Mystery Men song. It’s still annoying AF. The second I hear Steve Hartwell’s obnoxious voice, I tell Alexa to stop stop stop. The lyrics are stupid, and not even fun stupid. It’s the worst kind of earworm, and I’d rather listen to sandpaper scratching my genitals.

Stevie Wonder – I Just Called to Say I Love You

This one might rattle cages. Sorry, Maestro, but Stevie—this is a bad song. Namby-pamby and saccharine in the least interesting way.

I love Stevie Wonder. Superstition and Sir Duke are two of my favourite songs ever. Songs in the Key of Life is untouchable.

But I Just Called to Say I Love You? From the title to the boring lyrics and arrangement, I find it abhorrent. If you want romance, Isn’t She Lovely, You Are The Sunshine of My Life (Thanks to Michelle Liew for reminding me of it), or the banging, Signed, Sealed, Delivered, (I'm Yours) are far better. If Stevie ever calls me, I’ll gladly tell him: “I love you, Stevie, but not that song.”

Disturbed – The Sound of Silence

If my dislike for Smash Mouth could be overshadowed by anyone, it’d be Disturbed—or as I, pettily, call them Disturded. I’m childish, but admit it: you laughed or rolled your eyes.

David Draiman and co. were at a disadvantage with this cover before it even started. I already hated their music. Then they decided to “reimagine” one of my favourite songs of all time with brooding balladry. Cool concept, not. This is not a patch on the Simon & Garfunkel classic.

So, they had me annoyed before the opening bars. Lots of people love this version. I’m not like lots of people. This is my list. (FMJ / Rifleman’s Creed ref, anyone?)

No, thank you, next. You ruined one of the best Simon & Garfunkel songs, baldie!

Limp Bizkit – Behind Blue Eyes

Just when it was safe to open my very brown eyes (wish they were blue, but hey ho), Fred Durst and the lads show up.

Like Disturbed, the very concept irritates me. “Metal ballad thing.” No.

Why it turns my heart black:

• Fred Durst will never match Roger Daltrey vocally. Hell, he’s not even as good a rapper as Roger Daltrey.
• The production is too slick for such a vulnerable song.
• Third, if all that wasn’t bad enough, they made one final, fatal flaw with this cover that, in my mind, deserves a “BRUTALITY” call — yes, like Mortal Kombat. Instead of the original bridge’s full-on blues rock punch, we get a weird trippy “L.I.M.P., Discover” nonsense.

Freddy, stick to the nookie and rolling rolling rolling. ShipDit.

Bonus Track: Limp Bizkit – Faith

As there are no songs I like by Smash Mouth or Disturbed, but plenty by Lennon and Stevie, I’ll give Durst his due here.

Their cover of George Michael’s Faith is ridiculous, numbskull nu-metal fun. Unnecessary “Get the F@@K up” and scratching, but it works. It’s dumb, it’s twisted, and I even enjoy that Durst is audibly smiling in verse two.

In Conclusion

There you have it — the songs that make me want to fling my computer, smash Alexa, and howl until my heart bleeds black tar.

You get the picture: I’m not a fan.

I’m off to listen to The Boss and forget all about these five travesties.

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Thanks for reading!

This is for Sam Spinelli's Challenge:

Unofficial challenge: Do Your Worst! (unbearable music recs)

Check it out. Embedded links aren't working, so just click the above hyperlink! Old school!