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The Strangeness Of Not Being Fiction

A musical evolution

By ATHENAHPublished 3 years ago 9 min read
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Photo by Tobias Bjørkli from Pexels

It’s hard to fully explain why my story is very hard to tell. You would never expect that from a person who was a planned pregnancy by two, responsible, intelligent and successful parents. I've wondered if the world was made for those with little sensitivity. As an infant, I would cry if any sad music was playing. There are people who find little acceptance from most people around them their entire life.

Being a child on the autism spectrum was not widely understood in the 60’s and 70’s. I was suicidal on a daily basis all the way through college. Luckily, I have not had the notion in my adult life.

Those of us who become loners out of necessity, often find paths that don’t fit into the status quo.

Even as a child, I always looked at why some things have come to be, even for the most problematic people who have crossed my path.

There would be too many traumatic experiences to list as to why I hated school. Bullies come in the form of students and teachers.

There never seemed any kind of budget in the schools for art classes, but I found solace in drawing, weaving and paper machete when I came home from school.

I had a powerful memory very early in my life as a toddler. My mother could ask me where anything was in the house and I would know. The only explanation for what developed when I was started to school a year early, is depression must have developed from the extreme trauma on an almost daily basis.

I had a 1st grade teacher who liked to humiliate and yell at me in front of the class. I still feel my sobbing and warm streaming tears in reading circle. It’s the first time I remember thinking a heart could break. Maybe it did. The other children picked up on the bullying and beat me up walking home from school for a period of time. Futures can be cast very early.

When I was thirteen, I had a revelation. While walking in a long line with all the other students across a Mesa top, while teachers conducted a locker contraband search, I decided I was going to be a songwriter.

Because of the seemed intentional lack of caring if I learned anything in school by a lot of my teachers, I was not prepared academically for college. I don’t recall any math instruction past the 6th grade and barely any up to that point. Teachers sometimes showed and actually taught something in High school. I was just serving time compared to a select number of students who got special attention and preparation for college. This is the usual course in human nature, putting some of the most gifted among us in circumstances that could have been prevented with more caring.

I had little interest remembering anything but the fundamentals that got me through each class in school. I was already becoming foreign to remembering any lyric that had an academic stamp on it. At one point in college, trying to memorize the requisite songs for a semester, I spent hours and hours in a room going over and over and over one set of lyrics. I didn’t know what being blocked was.

I received an F in the one course that was the most important to my chosen vocation. I tried too hard for the grade that was given. Perhaps it was my admission I was trying to get help for depression I was experiencing, when one of my instructors inquired. I had never received such a grade in my life. It was in the one thing I wanted to do with my life.

I have written what I refer to as my haiku songs, on and off, since declaring my life’s vocation at 13. I have had to do it part time like most musicians over the years in order to earn a living. At one point I was working 2 and 3 jobs at a time, leaving no time for any music for different stretches of time. I was mostly away from writing or even hearing any music for most of 40 years.

My life has been a slow unfolding of parallels to some stories from Greek mythology and what some Greek scholars have written about it.

There are many Athena’s, I have been Athena with an H since stumbling upon her newly erected statue in Nashville, the day I was leaving my pursuit of a music career. I had only lived there for almost a year, about the time it took to erect the statue. It has been asked and studied by scholars, if one of Athena’s attributes was singing. I knew looking up at the statue, remembering some of the questions some scholars have pondered. Yes, she did sing, but probably no one would know. I had just christened myself with a variation of her name.

In Greek mythology, a description of “flashing eyed” Athena has been questioned also. I immediately thought as a child, she had seizures like I did. I had to leave many jobs along the way because of them. I hid them mostly because they were the kind I could still stay standing, effecting my arm and hand movements mostly. I could feel a seizure coming on and usually leave if someone was around to see. My sister, years later said she knew I had them. Somehow I evaded my parents knowing. For some reason it was just too embarrassing for anyone to know. I didn’t know what it was or what caused it.

Any parallel of having wisdom that Athena was known for, can only be ascribed to the fact that I worked at a public library for many years. It isn’t always having an immediate answer for all questions, but knowing where to find the answers. I received one ten cent raise in the 14 years I worked there. I was an extremely hard worker. I found out when I left the job, I didn’t make anything close to what my coworkers made.

The idea of marriage always left me sad. Loss of my independence has never been anything I could entertain very long. I never wanted children, so the only other issue I faced was making a livable wage, which has yet to be achieved in my life.

Popular music was my favorite since very young. The only audition I ever passed was for a rock band, as the lead singer. The night of our first gig, I had a seizure onstage. I stayed standing, but my hand caught the tied, front neckline I was wearing. I remember my embarrassment looking down when it was over to my open shirt. It was a conservative function we were performing for. That was the last time my services were requested for that band.

At one time, I could sing anything I wanted. I had a powerful voice that could have made a career singing opera. I had a high school choir teacher, a gifted singer himself, who believed in my talent. He compared my voice to some of the greatest singers ever.

Mr. Sass’ story was much more interesting than anyone who had a natural ability to sing. He reminded me without knowing, just being an outstanding singer was no big deal.

He was tone deaf and stuttered badly as a child. With help from a teacher in his youth, he learned to match pitch. He went on to get a degree in music with a vocal emphasis. He had one of the most beautiful baritone voices I have ever heard.

My mother made sure her three children got any type of extra lessons they wanted. Finding a teacher who wouldn’t hold students back was another story. I remember practically begging one of my piano teachers for something more challenging to no avail. I had another teacher who wouldn’t let me play a note before my hand position was perfect. I never played a song with that teacher that I recall. I thought my hand position was about as perfect as it could have been. I’ve had excellent coordination most of my life. I still freeze and have anxiety playing a note on the piano to this day.

I’ve attempted playing guitar and taking lessons many times in my life. One of my guitar teachers had just had a previous student sit on her favorite guitar and smash it. Since it was my first lesson with her, I got a pretty good idea how things would go if I wasn’t up to par. I can’t imagine what was said just following the incident.

Another guitar teacher saw my small hands attempting a bar chord. I don’t think good reasoning abilities from either of us would have concluded I was born to play the guitar.

I read long ago, Athena, was the goddess of arts and crafts. Allegorists have often used Athena as a symbol of freedom and democracy. These are important pursuits in many lives, but they have been the most consuming and important concerns at varying times, my entire life. She has been described as the warrior goddess, but I was more impressed with her depiction as goddess of peace.

In 1990, few months after I left Nashville, at her official unveiling, King Constantine II, the exiled king of Greece, addressing the crowd stated, “What you are doing here will remind everyone the world over of Greek history and culture. This represents the bond between the oldest democracy and the most powerful democracy in the world.”

My having some time to finally do what I have always craved doing full time and the U.S.A’s first real brush with losing our democracy have coincided.

Hopefully, we will always have freedom to choose our own religious or non-religious beliefs as a free nation. The hurt I have experienced from people claiming religious superiority has been ongoing in my life. My favorite quote in history, by Queen Elizabeth I,"I have no desire to make windows into mens souls,” speaks to the impossibility of really knowing those we think have common beliefs.

After retiring early for medical reasons and then caring for my parents in their own home until they passed a couple of years apart, I have been able to pursue my lifelong quest of writing songs full time the last couple of years. I’ve been trying to catch up on all the things I wished I could have learned early in life.

I have a severe tremor at times that effects my ability to use the computer to write and record. I’ve taken many online classes to learn how to mix and produce my own songs. I have to date, written about 100 songs.

My songs are vastly different in subject matter, but writing positive, uplifting songs that contribute to the healing of the human spirit is very important to me. Very few people know of Athenah music, but I have known for most of my soon to be 65 years, the great masters who composed music didn’t have any more passion than I do creating music.

humanity
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About the Creator

ATHENAH

Hello, I'm a singer/songwriter. My listeners are very important to me. Thank you for stopping by.

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