The Soundtrack to my Quarter Life Crisis

My earliest memories include music. My dad bouncing me on his lap, lulling me to sleep with "A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke" or songs he'd written himself that were only ever heard by a few close friends and me. Or mom playing 90s alternative rock from an old radio by the pool under the blazing Oklahoma sun.

I always liked music that made me feel something. I understood the emotion that a simple note could represent. I begged my mom to buy me a guitar; I wanted to play the blues. She eventually caved and bought me a blue toy guitar that was perfect for my seven-year-old frame.

I tried and tried to play what I heard artists like Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix play. They played with purpose, with pain- they told stories in a way that anyone could listen.

This was the same reason I gravitated toward the brass instruments in the band. Trumpets and Trombones could be strong and militant. But also loose and creative, soft and low, loud and celebratory. All music tells a story. It's one of the best mediums to do so.

I want to tell you about my 2020. So much has happened, and I can see it all play out like a movie when I look at my Spotify Wrapped Playlist. It's not all happy, and it's not all sad. I hope it shows a story of growth, and I hope my emotions and music make you feel something.

January 2020

Can I Call You Tonight? By Dayglow

So can I call you tonight?

I'm trying to make up my mind.

Just how I feel.

Could you tell me what's real?

I hear your voice on the phone.

Now I'm no longer alone.

I rang in the new year happily. The roaring twenties! I kept saying (and wish I hadn't;) I thought it would be a big party. I had a good feeling; it was going to be a "big year" for me.

"Can I Call You Tonight?" is such a fun song. The instrumental is pure gold. I can't be sad if I'm listening to it. It reminds me of new love, the nerves, butterflies, and joy. The excitement and mystery of this other person, when you have no idea how long they'll be in your life.

That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. You realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment, you get this amazing gift, and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.

-Drew Barrymore

January was peaches and cream; I was poised to go to a top school in my city, finishing up my associate's degree, and excited for the future. I wanted to be a lawyer, and I was taking steps to do so. I remember towards the end of the month, my partner mentioning a virus that was spreading rapidly in China. "Oh, wow, that's scary," I said and continued in my ignorant bliss for a few weeks longer.

February 2020

The Love Club By Lorde

Be a part of the love club.

Everything will glow for you.

Go get punched for the love club.

For the love club.

February was the month of imminent doom. I was stressed and stretched too thin with school. Midterms were approaching quickly, and every day, there was more mention of this virus. COVID-19 now had a name. I had gotten H1N1 back in 2010, which I felt was worse because I kept hearing this new virus was "like the flu."

Ten cases in this state, five in another. It seemed to get worse every week. But there was no talk of a shutdown yet, so the month was spent studying and trying to stay sane. I kept to my regular routine, but I felt strange. This virus might be different. Still, I planned a vacation to Portland, Oregon, for March, to tour schools and consider if my girlfriend and I wanted to move there.

I chose The Love Club because it's about joining a clique to be free, but it ends up constricting your freedom. It shows the irony of expecting something and getting something completely different. I went into 2020 with high hopes and dreams and came out with the same but completely different motivations.

March 2020

Where is my mind? By The Pixies

In March, I turned 21; the vacation to Portland still happened, but the city was ghostly, and the virus was beginning to strike fear in everyone. My girlfriend and I were scared to catch it, and most touristy places were closed anyway. Masks were not being enforced yet. It was being advised that if you felt healthy, you shouldn't wear one.

We ended up spending most of the trip in our Airbnb, and my college tours got canceled. After the NBA season got called off, my dad called me scared. I guess if there are no sports, the situation must be serious.

We returned home to another city, frozen in terror. The grocery stores were cleaned out; my job notified me that they would be closing. My classes moved to online. The order that I was used to broke away, and I was happy at first for the freedom.

But then reality set in; I had a few weeks left of pay and no prospects for the future. I tried to apply for unemployment-to learn my identity had been stolen and used to claim unemployment already. March was rough.

Where is my mind?

April 2020

Sure Thing By Miguel

April was hard. The country went on lockdown, with no end in sight. The stress was piling on; my girlfriend and I were both taking online classes. Neither of us were able to grasp the material. We both lost our jobs and were forced to stay home and sit in misery.

A lot of relationships suffered in April; mine was no exception. We broke up for a few weeks. A gut-wrenching few weeks that exposed the bad parts of my character. I was in shock from all the changes in my life; losing Etta was too much.

Toward the end of the month, after several nights on an uncomfortable couch, I got word from the school I was considering in Oregon. I had received a large scholarship, and with the world on fire, I decided I had nothing to lose by moving. I asked Etta to go with me, and like that, we were okay.

Even when the sky comes falling .

Even when the sun don't shine .

I got faith in you and I .

So put your pretty little hand in mine.

Even when we're down to the wire babe .

Even when it's do or die .

We can do it baby simple and plain .

'Cause this love is a sure thing.

We hit the ground running, beginning to deliver food with Postmates and saving every penny we could for the upcoming move.

May 2020

Got it Bad By Leisure

I began getting used to working from home. I liked the flexibility. Etta and I created a routine of taking drives around the city. We cruised the barren streets listening to music like Got it Bad by Leisure with a strong base and soothing vibe. Got it Bad is romantic and moody; it's one of those songs that make things cinematic.

“My intuition is on point. If something feels off, it’s off. If you’re not as nice as you pretend to be, you better believe I’ll sense it. I’m like a human lie detector. My no bullshit tolerance level is high. If 2020 has taught me anything it’s acceptance, patience and survival.”

― JefaWild

In May, it felt like all there was to do was wait. Wait to see how things turned out. What the world would look like when society returned to "normal." Greenhouse emissions fell 19% while the world was locked away. We all slowed down and looked to one another for what to do. I graduated, but there was no ceremony. My brother turned 7, the world kept rotating, but it felt like time stood still.

June 2020

Get Big By Dorrough

Pla-playin with this paper like I'm playin in a dumpster .

Yo' baby mama payin all yo' bills, youse a busta .

Even though she workin 9 to 5, she still a hustla .

Yeah, that means she's runnin' thangs, while you out here lookin lame.

I found this song when I was around 9 or so, it was love at first sight, and I played it on repeat every day for years. It's a song for hustlers, an anthem, if you will. I showed it to Etta a month before we made our cross country move. She played it nonstop, and the nostalgia flooded me and gave me a wave of positivity. We listened to Get Big to keep us motivated. If you feel like a baller, you are a baller.

"This a game for ballers only, ballers can participate....Them ain't really diamonds in your ear, somebody hustled you .

Takin all your revenue, boy you don't know what to do!

Ha! Say you betta double hustle yo' fees .

Ol' broke ass ras' ain't got enuff cheese .

And you out here lookin phony, tryna stunt like me."

We spent June working hard; we sold off most of our furniture and gave away what was left. We decided this was a good time to make a complete plunge into minimalism, and we cut down our belongings by over half. We had a date for our move, July 10th, and we were beside ourselves with excitement.

July 2020

I Can't Change + Only One by Londynn B.

I couldn't pick one song for July, but I kept to the same artist. We found Londynn B through the Netflix show Rhythm and Flow, a competition for rappers to launch their budding careers. Both of July's song selections are London B's competition pieces. The songs are about her self belief and what she had to overcome to be where she's at. After watching her journey on the show and hearing how talented she is, she's become an inspiration.

On July 7th, we loaded up our Uhaul, put our two cats in a carrier between us, and began our drive across the country. I've always been a fan of road trips. There's something so relaxing about watching forests blend into plains and plains into mountains. The trip took us 30 hours of driving and three days on the road and hotel hopping. But we made it, hello Portland, Oregon!

August 2020

Are You Bored Yet? By Wallows

"What's wrong?

You've been asking but I don't have an answer .

How come?

I'm still thinking, let's pretend to fall asleep now .

When we get old, will we regret this?

Too young to think about all that shit .

And stalling only goes so far when you've got a head start."

The jobs we had lined up fell through, so we lived off savings for August. We explored the city and got acquainted with our new home. It was a slow month of adjustments. Towards the end of the month, we both found employment, and Etta's family notified us they'd be visiting in September and taking us to the coast.

I chose Are You Bored Yet? for August because of its slow nature. The song is upbeat and light. It features the incomparable Clairo, who has taken all of our hearts with her angel-like voice and aura.

September 2020

Tooth Paste Kisses

A song about being in love with a melancholy undertone; It's sweet and simple, but there is something sad about the way it's sung and the empty space within it. Much like my September, I accomplished something near to my heart and endured something I never expected.

On a mid-September day, I opened our balcony door for some fresh air. A campfire like smell hit me. Is someone cooking? I wondered and peered out into the opening. A haze hung in the air, and I struggled to take in a clear breath. Confused, I shut the door and opened my local news app.

Wildfires were sweeping Oregon, and the smoke was coating the Portland metro. We were at risk of evacuation, and the air quality was hazardous. We lived in an orange smokey blaze for a week. We got headaches and chest pains when we had to travel outside. Our eyes burned every day, and we were scared. We had no vehicle to evacuate and no plan. During this time, I wrote a letter to my girlfriend Etta, which ended up being my first challenge win.

Etta's family came and picked us up, rescuing us from the smoke and taking us out to the coast. We stuffed ourselves with fish and chips and explored the majestic forests. We reset, and after a weekend of seafood and hiking, we headed back to the rose city.

October 2020

Girls like Girls by Haley Kiyoko

When Etta and I first met in 2017, she told me this song was a "lesbian anthem." Since it's always had a joking air to it, yet still, personal and real. Etta and I had our third anniversary in October, and this song always reminds me of one of the purest forms of happiness I get to experience every day.

November 2020

“No one is born a writer. You must become a writer. In fact, you never cease becoming, because you never stop learning how to write. Even now, I am becoming a writer. And so are you.” —Joe Bunting

Blue By Limes

In the final two months of this year, I'm going to select a Lofi and a classical piece. I listen to lyricless music when I work, and my work has been so influential in my life this year. For the first time, it feels attainable to make a living as a writer. I've always loved storytellers; I value books like diamonds. To communicate and connect with the world is the only thing I ever really knew I wanted to do.

So thank you, your time means the world to me.

December 2020

Morning Mood Edvard Grieg

I'm writing this on the last day of 2020. The sky is coated with grey clouds, my cat is sleeping on my leg, and I'm sipping on a warm drink. Reflecting on this year has been so insightful. I've suffered and triumphed. I moved away from the only city I've ever known. I put myself out there; I felt rejection and also acceptance.

Morning Mood sounds like a new beginning to me. The dew of yesterday clinging to the grass under the morning sun. Or maybe, a new year. 12 new months for new adventures. Next year I want to tour the domestic United States and get a puppy- if I can convince Etta. Happy New year. Here's to a clean slate. You made it.

p.s. 2021 if you're reading this, please be nicer.