The Soundtrack of Adolescence

Recollecting the playlist of my youth is like retrieving a time capsule buried 10 years in my mind. Under the painful memories, depression , self-saboteurs and darkness, just to retrieve the one thing that kept me breathing ... surviving to be here to write the playlist of once a trouble young girl : My Creative Zen MP3 (cause I couldn't afford an iPod) , filled with anthologies of music around the world.

I wouldn't look it, but I was a struggling teen in almost... everything. If struggle was a bus, I was the driver. I was almost at the brink of not finishing high school, and nearly taking my own life. I was a teen in the early 2000s. The boom of internet, boom of social media fame, girl power, and Obama was in office. The decade where anyone can be a star from online, and everyone had internet. Picture it: a geeky Asian girl, with a semi-bubbly and goofy base personality that seem pretty average. Nothing wrong with that , right? Well, under that silly and humorist mask, was truly a young girl fighting a battle within a battle. High School was a day-to-day nightmare, but my home life was a Cold War. Pink's realistic song of "Family Portrait" was truly a painting of my family affairs.

You fight about money, bout me and my brother

And this I come home to, this is my shelter

It ain't easy growin up in World War III

Never knowin what love could be, you'll see

I don't want love to destroy me like it has done

My family

Mrs.Pink preached it her testament: that not every child is fortunate with unconditional love and have a stable home. What kindred spirits we are from such a bold, fearless artist. Here are some solid songs she created that spoke to teens in the mid 90's, and 2000's.

To go to school and go home for me, was coming from prison to back in my asylum.

My mother was nice on the surface, but cruel, vindictive once you leave the premises. A real Lady Tremaine , stepmother of Disney's redemption Cinderella. How ironic that she is my birth mother. She conjures the most outrageous expectations and opinions, while my father watched and turns into a doormat. She was hardest on my sister and I the most. We both shared rage, anxiety and stressful hardship. We were living "Numb" by Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

I've become so numb

I can't feel you there

Become so tired

So much more aware

I'm becoming this

All I want to do

Is be more like me

And be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me

Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?

Like Linkin Park , I want to lost it and scream. Linkin Park really hones that teenage misery vibe in their music (RIP Chester Bennington). Like many Eastern Asian traditional mentality, Males are the only treasured and valued gender, and my mother doesn't disappoint that belief. Expectation for us to be more and more like a "male".

"Why don't you have a career that make tons of money with little effort?" "You got honours? Well your cousin Tony got honours with DISTINCTION. What happened there?" "Your getting fat, don't eat so much or you won't get a boyfriend/husband if your ugly."

gif image of Ming Na Wen from her short film "Perfection".

The list goes on. "If I Was A Boy" by the infamous WOMAN of our generation, Beyoncé, illustrated the headaches and heartaches if only... if only.... I was a flipping boy.

If I were a boy, even just for a day

I'd roll outta bed in the morning

And throw on what I wanted, then go

Drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls

I'd kick it with who I wanted

And I'd never get confronted for it

'Cause they'd stick up for me

My sister, Kim, was the only role model and support system. She was kicked out of the house when I was 13. Not for the fact she was dating a different race, or older guy or even that she is dating. Mother raged, and threaten her to leave the house. She acted out only because Kim was half an hour late coming home from her date. Her curfew was 1opm and she was 23. My mother's famous opinion: Good girls don't stay out in the night or they are a slag.

So what am I not supposed to have an opinion

Should I keep quiet just because I'm a women

Call me a bitch cause I speak what's on my mind

Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled

A snippet of Christina Aguilera's "Can't Hold Us Down" is the same spark for me to help Kim pack her bags, call a cab, and leave "home". Watching my only lifeline go was as heartbreaking. Like a parent who walks out the door, and never come back. When she set her course to live with her boyfriend at the time, that was when the hurricane of high expectations, and judgement were fallen on me . I hauled that weight with me to high school, and a lot of the unclaimed "baggage" still remains. In another direction, a tornado was coming for me that will end up being my savior, my guide, and my only safety blanket for the duration of adolescences. It was music.

Now I was geeky and awkward way before Disney bought Marvel, or any media depicted any geek culture and their content as "epic". Big Bang Theory was the only saving grace to us geeks, and even so , it was only tolerable to the world and still niche. For a geek, I was liberal about music and I loved music. I sought out more Western artistic mediums. Particularly, Japanese and Korean music and arts. I unlocked a parallel world to mine, and language was not limiting me to seek the amazing melodies (thank god for internet !). Gorgeous J-pop and K-pop musicians, that was everything I only wish I was. The K-pop wave was coming to the West at the same time I got my feet wet. The catchy Wonder Girls Nobody was international trended, along with the simple dance that got people mimicking the girl group. Girls Generation, Big Bang, 2pm, Lee Hyori, Boa, Rain, 2ne1, TBSK fuelled my fantasies of hoping to be cool and adorable like them. I wanted be cool and glam as 2ne1 "Can't Nobody" or Big Bang "Last Farewell", but sweet as Lee Hyori "U Go Girl". Who didn't want to be the total package of beauty,cool, sexy and talented in high school? Here are the catchy beats of the First Korean Wave, you know before BTS and Black Pink.

It didn't stop there. I went even deeper. Endless hours at 1am, on a school night, hunting for music from Japan and South Korea. Language was not a barrier, because I sought after music that made me feel something, other than the numbness of a trouble teenager.Tunes that were unspoken poetry, and declaration of emotions woven within there melodies. Lyrics are the comforting voice to the literate, but the sounds are what transcends anyone to a state of mind to the rhythm of our beating heart.

Such works of iconic pop queen of Japan, Namie Amuro. "What a Feeling", "New Look", "Rock Steady", "Love Story","Body feels Exit", "Celebrate", "Say the word", "YEAH OH" and "Your My Sunshine", felt like the songs were comforting only me. Like I was just as strong and evolving as her. When I felt like a failure, cried when that was all I could do, and hear replays of all the verbal abuse from "Mummie", her "Baby Don't Cry" was the invisible stroking hand on my head comforting me. Here is a fragment of the lyrics translated from Japanese:

Still unable to get rid of the anxiety you hold,

grasp someone's hand and try with all your might to connect to the unseen tomorrow

Cause, like that, people should have

the strength to fight against the darkness over and over

It's not something you're given or choose

Advance forward with your own feet

Yeah, that's why, baby, don't be sad

Sometimes you won't understand even if you think about it

It's harsh, but somewhere on the road continuing ahead

there is hope, so

Even in the morning rain (baby don't cry)

Even if love disappears (baby don't cry)

I'll never leave you all alone (baby don't cry)

Baby don't cry

Always stay by your side

Translation credit

Music is like a maternal instinct, when you hear it opens a world of possibilities. Songs of Christina Aguilera's "Reflection" and "Beautiful", "Brave" by Sara Bareilles, "Breath" by Michelle Branch, and Lady GaGa "Born this Way" played on repeat on my Mp3 when I want reassurance. Pain consumed so much of my waking hours. Evanescence's "Wake Up Inside" and Utada Hikaru's "Flavor of Life" would be my painkillers. Dramatic, almost operatic, and symphonic. Just wake me from this nightmare called adolescence.

When I had brief moments of peppiness and spring of joy, oh honey, I had so much music in my little tiny 2GB Creative Zen. I had to constantly decide what songs to delete so I make room for new ones! Thinking about it, I would say the perfect cocktail of songs that I almost never got tired of was: Toshinobu Kubot's "La La La Love Song", Ai Otsuka's "Peach", All American Rejects' "Dirty Little Secret", Daft Punk "One More Time" , and a touch of Perfume's "Spring of Life". This combo got me from humming, then playing the air guitar and for my encore, gradually dancing like no one is looking.

We're gonna celebrate

One more time

Celebrate and dance so free

Music's got me feeling so free

Daft Punk feels my drift in "One More Time". For a brief moment I didn't remember my problems, but just being in my musical bubble all by my lonesome self.

It got worse for me somewhere halfway in high school, where I skipped school to roam around the city on the transit bus. I didn't seek substance abused or was getting some "action" for validation. I just want to feel like I'm running away but, I have to come back cause I wouldn't make it on my own at 17. On the bus, staring out the window, and my MP3 on shuffle. Cranking Sum 41's "In Too Deep", I walked around all the malls, downtown, and the city parks. I can't help to describe the way I saw the world then, it was like "Mad World" by Gary Jules.

All around me are familiar faces

Worn out places, worn out faces

Bright and early for their daily races

Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression, no expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

I knew I was not the only one that felt miserable, most of the office workers scattering in downtown looked more lost than I was.

I roamed in the city until I finally found my favourite places for some solitude, the library or the Chapters book stores. While secretly reading different books in nooks, Belle and Sebastian's "Wrapped Up In Books" played in the background. I couldn't of felt more safe and at ease. Surrounding myself with books felt like I had a wealth of knowledge at my disposable. I was smart but wasn't an academic in school, and I was no where near as fortunate to have parents who wanted to invest in bettering my education. Pairing my trip to the book stores with the genius Michael Giacchino's motion picture soundtrack UP, was like finding harmony. The track "Paradise Found" always synced on my MP3 when I walked in the door of the library/bookstore. "Carl Goes Up" would be the exact score when I cracked open a book. "Married Life" was the blissful humming in the background when I got lost in stories, philosophies, written declarations of great writers that showed me that I was not alone and dumb.

Cinematic and thematic music were great, it made my life like a motion picture. With my MP3, I was carrying the boundless encyclopedia of music for my ongoing TV series called "my life".

When the popular girls were walking down the halls, owning the property, "Barracuda" by Heart came to mind. When the meanest and crummiest teacher walks in the classroom (and they just hate you), cue"The Imperial March (Darth Vader's Theme)" by John Williams from Empire Strikes Back. Of course on the last day of school when the last period bell rings, students are singing "School's Out" by Alice Cooper while they were throwing their backpacks in the air. I do recall pretty good teen movies and TV series that I kind of anticipated high school should be. Mean Girls, Easy A, Gossip Girl, Skins, Glee and Pretty Little Liars were common perceptions for my generation that high school is going to be "awesome". What lies.

Just like many students, summer break was a carefree time that was treasured while were kids. While I still hung out with my crew, I choose to work mostly full time at Dairy Queen. My boss was chill enough to get us an iPod dock to plug it our own music player, and listen to fun music other than the dreaded TOP 40 on repeat. I had enjoyable memories rocking out to my favourite song at the time, "California Gurls" By Katy Perry, when I made frozen treats and taking drive thru orders. Sometimes when we closed one of the cooler supervisors would crank the music, always by popular requests included: "I Love Myself Today" by Bif Naked, "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO feat.Lauren Bennett, and "Like a G6" by Far East Movement. When summer is over, high school reboots again for another year of torture.

I knew back then I wasn't really alone, and that there was many troubled students in the school who were experiencing their own trials and tribulations. However I was so clouded in my chains of self inflicted doubt, and depression I just thought no one understands my pain nor do they care. "Everybody Hurts" By R.E.M highlighted coming of age. A school of youthful, ambitious, and hopeful individuals are secretly have internal struggles.

When your day is long

And the night, the night is yours alone

When you're sure you've had enough

Of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go

'Cause everybody cries

Everybody hurts sometimes

Finally passing and graduated high school was a major relief. I was rid of stupidity, foolery, and most of all, away from very lucky kids who just had everything going for them. How privileged they were compared to my trying life. High school was one of the worst experience of my life, no "Graduation" by Vitamin C moment needed when it was the last day of my senior year. Appropriately, the song that I played on my MP3 when I exited the school was "Out There " performed by Tom Hulce and Tony Jay. (Yes I know,it's the song from Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I believed I was Quasimodo. Unattractive, not sociable and some of the teachers are sadistic like Judge Claude. Hey, sometimes Disney music just gets it.)

Ironically this year was suppose to be my high school reunion. Because of the pandemic, my high school reunion was cancelled this year (one of the few things I'm grateful for a pandemic). Not like I would go anyway. I know for a fact it will not unfold like Romy and Michele's High School Reunion.

Coming of age can be painful but it is a part of life (I have the stretch marks to prove them). You graduate, move out, get a job and establish yourself eventually in this wild world.

To all the readers out there, who were once a angst filled teen or are one now, I leave you one last song. It does not matter what your identity is, cultural background, personal taste or generation you are. This song says it all about stupid, stupid puberty. "I'm Just A Kid" by Simple Plan