The Sounds I Make

I learned I could make music this year. I learned that I had been for a while and never respected my sound as musical.

There are certain traits in your experience that you view as outside of yourself. My queen told me "sometimes they are there to just show you what is possible." Like an elegant show of what can be reality in your existence if you put your energy toward it.

I have admired Micheal Jackson since the first time I saw him perform. Watching one person have the ability to hold thousands of people's attention captivated me. His moves were superb but what really drew me was his ability to entertain so many people at the same time. Looking back now, I think he just had something I knew I wanted. I love to love and I love to be loved. He had the hearts of everyone he encountered because of these beautiful sounds he created and his love for them.

In my experience, I always saw that kind of love as outside of me because my timeline didn't match Mike's. "I wasn't famous young enough. I wasn't rich. I didn't have a mean parent. I wasn't black enough."

Everything I understood as success was defined through someone else's experience and not mine.

I never thought I was good because I never understood being good, AS MYSELF. I never thought there was a version of great that stemmed from MY best. Not someone else's best. MY BEST. So every time I made music when I was younger, I would send it to a girl I liked and hoped she would love it. I would wait anxiously for validation after I pressed send...

I would watch the progress of the message being sent until it hit 100%.

Like watching myself gradually realize I just sent something I'm finna regret later.

My hands would start getting all sweaty.

I'm wiping it on my face.

Now my face is sweaty.

My mind is speeding down the highway of positivity with her possible reactions flying by.

She might love it so much

Share it.

And BOOM I'm Micheal Jackson.

But see, I would speed and crash into a wall when she answered. Everything I thought would happen would end up being..

You sound like your screaming, calm down.

My fragile idea of self was shattered. I thought I had failed because I did not receive the instant gratification. My shiny glove fell to the floor as I found out, I can't be Micheal.

I spent so much of my life trying to mimic him, and every time I failed, I climbed into a shell. Every time I fell short, I became less extroverted and more introverted. I would speak up less. Joke less. Dance less. SING less. All because of what people said. All because I didn't receive the praise I believe I deserved. The praise I thought someone mimicking Great people deserved.

I had to reach a point where I wasn't receiving any attention, from any direction to realize the praise I seek had to come from me first. I had to be the first fan before anyone else could. The only way I could realize I was great was recognizing my greatness. Most importantly, I had to understand that my greatness had to be from me, and not a version of me that followed a template.

I don't want to live the life my idol lived. I want to beat it (No Pun intended.) Less drama and more love at every possible intersection of life.

This year my experience blessed me with the realization that I am gifted. It blessed me with realizing my ears listen to music in depth. I realized they can hear rhythmic sounds that aren't there; and create them.

I am an artist. I am amazing. I was sparked by greatness, only to take my own journey to find mine. I make music that is timeless like my idol did. I look forward to spending the rest of my life creating as he created. I look forward to sharing my love of creation with the world, and spreading my love through this beautiful form of expression called music.

Thank you for helping me see my(self)

Rest easy, King Of Popular Music.

In honor of you, I present Melody, one of my first singles.