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The Mixtape for the Masochist who Loves Love and is Trying to Love on Themselves More

An "Anti-Valentine's Day" Experience from the Career Single

By Jada FergusonPublished 3 years ago 7 min read
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I took that picture a couple months into quarantine walking home from work when I was holding onto a not-so-thought-out goal of finding love in a pandemic. (To be completely honest, I took the photo in September but the explanation of my sentiment early on in quarantine life is accurate.) I even went as far to make the claim that February 14, 2021 would be my first year having a Valentine. Grandiose dramatic proclamations that I have pledged to stop making. I am sitting here on the aforementioned world-renowned date typing this so your educational guess about my relationship status is accurate. Also the subtitle is exposing my reality in plain sight.

Though I genuinely detest playlists, I started this with a first time at Disney World level of excitement. I became a little obsessive dissecting my internal catalog of heartache, melancholy, depressive, self-reflective, gangster, empowering, middle finger elevating, dance and loud scream-singing inducing, loving on yourself music. I have 127 songs and I am currently trying to ignore the instinctive urge to add more as more songs I love are over here battling inside my mind, making legitimate claims to be in this playlist. I’m struggling.

How does the person who loves love and has never been in love, survive the time of year designated for couples?

When I was in school, I used to argue with my pessimism over the possibility of someone sending me a candy-gram. My negativity was always right, but music held my hand through the heartbreak of loneliness.

• Sade- King of Sorrow

• John C. Reilly- Mister Cellophane

• Liza Minelli- Maybe This Time

• Mac DeMarco- Chamber of Reflection

I do not know what to tell you, you read the title, you knew what you were entering. This is what I have to offer. Take a difficult look inward and listen to the stories of those who are not considered on Valentine’s Day. Empathize with that feeling because it is a part of life that we all encounter at some point. Some more than others. *Gulps large amount of water and looks at the girl in the mirror.

• Charles Brown- A Virus Called the Blues

• Jay Z- Song Cry

• Gnarls Barkley- Who’s Gonna Save My Soul

• Cynda Williams- Harlem Blues

• Jimmy Ruffin- What Becomes of the Brokenhearted

I promise we’ll transition into lighter feelings, but we have to tap into what happens when lovers part and it’s not what both parties wanted. It helps to give you solace that you do not have to deal with the suffering of trying to find the remnants of you that were decimated by the one you love. Also, Ray Charles- Say No More is not on Spotify and that is a crime.

• Samantha Barks- On My Own

• The Smiths- I Want the One I Can’t Have

• The Smiths- Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

It is a process. The unrequited love is a special kind of pain because you convince yourself that you would have your ideal picture of a relationship if the person would look up and see you. Love is not always returned, obviously. Love is layered and can shift into so many different forms. Valentine’s Day just showcases the most glossed over perfect version of it.

• Jessie Reyez ft Eminem- COFFIN

• Lianne la Havas- Lost & Found

• Mary J Blige- Empty Prayers

• Jack White- Love Is Blindness

Some tales of the ugliness being in love can deliver to your door. The unhealthiness. The deceit. The neglectful abuse. The solitude. Who wants that?

• Benjamin Clementine- Nemesis

• Mereba- September

• J. Cole- Kevin’s Heart

• Jhene Aiko- Triggered (freestyle)

• TeaMarr- One Job

• Erykah Badu- Tyrone

We got some people who are fed up with the lies. Combatting the men who did not adhere to the agreement they had both unofficially signed. Benjamin Clementine’s song acts a reminder before shit hits the proverbial fan. J. Cole’s song is in this group because it shows a different perspective. Jhene Aiko’s song immediately follows his because it is indeed “triggering” to hear a male celebrity discuss the struggles of staying faithful when there are famous women who are just expected to do so. No shade, I love Kevin’s Heart. It is a great song that displays a lot of transparency, just had to highlight the double standards the lyrics stir up.

• Cee-Lo – Fuck You

• Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers- Goody Goody

• Tyler, the Creator ft Pharrell- IFHY

• Rihanna- Needed Me

• Eminem- Kim

• Jessie Reyez- Fuck It

Here’s some sauciness, some attitude, some release of frustration because it’s necessary. A dissertation could be done on Kim by Eminem but the most skeletal structure of the song is someone in their most vulnerable state letting out all the negative, violent feelings that could go through a scorned lover’s mind. Disclaimer: No murder took place during the making of that song. I scream at the highest octave I can reach “I hate you! I hate you! I swear to God, I hate you! Oh my God, I love you! How the fuck could you do this to me? How the fuck could you do this to me? So long, bitch, you did me so wrong/ I don’t wanna go on/ Living in this world without you.” Honestly I shout the whole song as was intended in the making of it, I assume. Nonetheless my emotional sensitivity and humanity can’t allow me to not feel sorrowful for the person on the other end of that song, Kim. On another note, Needed Me by Rihanna is acts as a reminder to oneself, you’ve heard it before I don’t need to explain why. Goody Goody= what goes around comes back around in 2 minutes and 12 seconds of perfection.

• Kid Cudi- Unfuckwittable

• Chloe x Halle- Do It

• Solange ft Lil Wayne- Mad

It is mandatory that you discover this type of energy!!!! You are the shit!!! There are days just for you and your friends, to feel great about yourselves!!! “You have the right to mad!!!!”

• Cardi B ft Megan Thee Stallion- WAP

• Jhene Aiko- Pussy Fairy (OTW)

• Megan Thee Stallion ft Beyonce- Savage Remix

• Drake- Nice For What

• Lizzo ft Missy Elliot- Tempo

• Zum ft Shenseea- Rebel

• ENNY ft Jorja Smith- Peng Black Girls Remix

• Beyonce ft Shatta Wale, Major Lazer- ALREADY

*I hope the switch up in the tone of the playlists is appreciated because it’s difficult and the playlist is about to be as muddled as my emotions. This Valentine’s Day I bought lingerie, lipstick, and dessert FOR MYSELF!! It feels amazing. I feel sexy! That may not be for you, but figure out whatever is going to give you that feeling and make it happen for yourself. These are anthems so that hopefully you begin honoring and respecting your own name and body, forget hoping and praying that someone else will give that feeling to you. *Also, I ordered great natural products from female black owned businesses for the skin and hair from inaturalz.com and themaneshoppe.com, respectively.

• MC Hammer- U Can’t Touch This

• Jake Bugg- Two fingers

• Benjamin Clementine- Condolence

• Chronixx- Dela Move

• Greentea Peng- Mr. Sun (miss da sun)

• Solange- Cranes in the Sky

• Tamia- Me

• Jennifer Hudson- I Am Changing

• Gloria Gaynor- I Will Survive

• Kendrick Lamar- i

• Chloe x Halle- Lonely

• Bibi Bourelly- Ego

• Kid Cudi- Immortal

• Seinabo Sey- I Owe You Nothing

• Chance the Rapper ft Saba & BJ the Chicago Kid- Everybody’s Something

• Robert DeLong- Global Concepts

• Elle Varner- Not Tonight

• Jazmine Sullivan- Pick Up Your Feelings

• Ciara ft T-Pain- Go Girl

• Grace VanderWaal- I Don’t Know My Name

• Sammy Davis Jr.- I’ve Gotta Be Me

• Sampa the Great ft Nadeem Din-Gabisi- Energy

I have skipped through my playlist and that list is a combination of positive self-reflection, loving on and encouraging yourself, letting negative feelings evaporate, and appreciating your existence.

I can’t begin to tell you when the order I was going for in my playlist began to slip away from me, so if you actually click on it your emotions will boomerang across whatever room you’re in. I didn’t list all the songs here because I didn’t want to drive you, the reader, crazy and I am on a lifetime self-care kick and describing why I picked each 127 songs would’ve have yanked my sanity apart.

I tried hating Valentine’s Day, but bitterness is a hard feeling to sit with, your mouth waters and you are going to need something to rehydrate you. Longing to be invited to a party that is nationally celebrated the same day every year is discouraging, and I try to internalize my desperation as a personal rule. So all the singles out there, whichever sub-level of single life you identify with, try to have the attitude that is going to be most conducive to your peace. I hope this playlist suits your needs.

playlist
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About the Creator

Jada Ferguson

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