The Meaning of My life (A Playlist)

Foreword

Music is a hugely important part of my life and my identity, and its limitless forms have shaped paths, guided steps, soothed hurts and inspired dreams throughout my "journey," so to speak. Music, in my mind, is the elusive ranger-king of the arts, and I respect and feel it deeply. Finally, my particular "taste," in music, if I can be said to have such a thing, has been met with laughs, cringes, shaking heads and covered ears most times that I've attempted to share it in the past. Thus, the idea that I am now committing such an attempt within the eternity and everywhereness that is the public Internet gives me great anxiety, but a sense of nauseating, near-life-threatening fun. So, if at any point upon this page, you feel that I have taken this assignment too seriously, that's because I have taken this assignment too seriously.

Concerning the format you'll encounter below...

I'll first give you the title of a song (as a heading), followed by the name of the album upon which it can be found (italicized) and the name of the band or artist (printed). After which, I'll include a line from the song which speaks to me, and which I hope will speak to you (emboldened and in quotes), of course followed by the name of the person who wrote or produced that line (italicized). The body of each section will explain my reason for including the song on this list, and at the end of each of these, I'll include links to the the song on YouTube, as well as lyrics where applicable. Occasionally throughout the list, multiple songs will appear together, because their meanings to me are intertwined in some way. When this happens, the titles of the songs will be separated by an ampersand in the heading, and the album, artist and quote for each song will appear in the same order that the titles of the songs appear in the heading. My reason for choosing those songs will appear as one body of text, making it effectively one entry on the list. Now, if you're still here, please enjoy (or don't) the meaning of my life in playlist form.

1. "Ghost Love Score"

from Once, by Nightwish

"Redeem me into childhood, show me myself without the shell..."

-Tuomas Holopainen

Is symphonic metal for everyone? Probably not. Should it be? Probably so. Does Nightwish have objectively better songs? Certainly (as you'll find out later in this list). But this song occupies the #1 spot here as a symbolic gesture of gratitude, because, for me, it marked the beginning of many things.

As an angsty, 12-year-old band geek in the early 2000's, I was only just developing the confidence to explore the internet and attempt to discover the world for myself, digitally at least. My ideas about music, and my life as a whole, would be changed forever by the very first band that I found on my own: Nightwish.

Until this point, I had listened, contentedly, to hand-me-down CD's from members of my immediate family, and (no offense to their respective tastes in music) I was not even remotely prepared for the sonic assault upon my fragile, young reality that this band would wage. Thanks to my older brother, I understood the appeal of the heavy, guttural grooves of various brands of metal, courtesy of groups like Trivium, All That Remains and, of course, Metallica. I know that these types of tone qualities don't appeal to everyone, but ever since I was a boy, they made perfect sense to me. I think I've always had trouble expressing my feelings, or even understanding them in any substantial way, and when I was young, I admired metal musicians for their ability to just put everything out there, all at once, in erratic and unapologetic brutality. But I also very much adored the symphony. Band class was the only thing I enjoyed about school, even as I was mercilessly bullied for participating in it (among other reasons, none of them especially good), and I confess that I dreamed of one day playing my clarinet in the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra. There is something irrefutably, magnificently beautiful about such a large group of individuals coming together to create a single, cohesive body of sound, complete with vital organs and extremities (the various instrument sections), a brain (the conductor) and a soul (the composer).

Being that these were my two favorite types of music as a child, I naively reasoned that they were entirely and eternally separate things. Imagine how far my mind must have blasted out of my body the first time I heard impossibly creative, fantasy-inspired symphonic lines supported by devastatingly distored guitar and bass, and a full, heavy-metal-style drum kit. My very spirit went on a giddy holiday and came back transformed, now possessing the understanding that a song could contain whatever elements (musical or otherwise) that the composer wished, that there were no rules, and that true expression was king — notions which would come to be more important to me than almost anything, as all the bruises and name-calling had almost begun to make me question my own identity as a musician, as a nerd and as a human being.

Listening to the slow, orchestral build toward the earth-shattering climax of "Ghost Love Score," still covers me in goosebumps to this day, as though my childhood wonder surrounding its discovery has never left me, and I am indeed redeemed to that state every time I hear those lines. Don't worry — not every entry on this list will take so long for me to explain (I hope).

Audio for "Ghost Love Score"

Lyrics for "Ghost Love Score"

2. & 3. "You Might Die Trying" & "Bigfoot"

from Europe 2009, by Dave Matthews Band

&

from Live Art, by Bela Fleck and the Flecktones

"To change the world, start with one step. And however small, the first step is hardest of all."

-Dave Matthews

" *unstoppable bass grooves* "

-Victor Wooten

First, I'll address the stigma that you may be experiencing surrounding DMB. Some people find Dave Matthews to be silly, or simple, or not worth listening to for some other, ill-conceived reason. These people are wrong. Most often, they are wrong because they haven't properly studied the subject at hand. If all you've heard are the in-studio recordings of "Crash Into Me," or "You and Me," you might think of Dave as a pop-star. This is foolish, but understandable given your limited knowledge of the situation. The truth is, he is quite the gifted songwriter, and there is a tremendously long catalog of evidence to support this, well beyond the middle-of-the-road songs of his which have made the "Top 40's." Furthermore, every member of the band is a superb musician, Mr. Matthews included, but they only truly allow themselves to shine together during their live performances. This is due, in part, to improvisation.

The paragon of pure creativity is a many-pointed star, and the spontaneous, on-the-spot performance of brand-new, one-time-only music occupies one of those points. Improvisation is a large part of why these two songs appear on this list. You see, prior to my experiencing DMB and The Flecktones, I wasn't really aware of the possibilities of improvisation. I hadn't yet glimpsed the nebulous chaos of jazz, but as I've stated above, I was quite familiar with the supremely rigid order of the symphony, the opposite point upon the star. With how much I loved and respected the meticulously written, painstakingly organized lines of orchestral movements, the idea that people could just waltz onto a stage and make shit up should perhaps have been anathema to my musical sensibilities, but to the contrary! Both of Jeff Coffin's mind-busting saxophone solos on this recording of "You Might Die Trying," as well as Sam Bush's heart-provoking fiddle solo on "Bigfoot," were mesmerizing to me when first I heard them, and they still are today.

I joyfully shared my love for both of these bands with my dad, as I grew up and we began to understand each other a little better. I had sort of a rocky relationship with my parents during my school days (mostly my fault), but things between us have improved tremendously, as I hope is often the case. This music is, for one thing, a reminder to me that love is always there, that one need only look with eyes unclouded, and it will be clear to see. And for another thing, these songs mark the beginnings of my desire to master my own ability to improvise, making them both massive influences on my musical identity.

Audio for "You Might Die Trying"

Lyrics for "You Might Die Trying"

Audio for "Bigfoot"

4. "One Foot On the Gas, One Foot In the Grave"

from Somewhere In the Between, by Streetlight Manifesto

"And nothing will be broken if your house is made of stone, but you know as I do, it will never be a home."

-Tomas Kalnoky

I don't like ska. Ska is fake. Ska is pretentious. Ska is wrong. Streetlight Manifesto is not ska. Streetlight Manifesto is correct. Streetlight Manifesto is the realest shit there is. I don't have a favorite band, because it's impossible to pick one, but if I had to pick one, I'd pick this one. Maybe.

Streetlight is another of those bands that I found out about on my own and immediately connected with on a fundamental level, not long after this album came out. I had just switched from clarinet to saxophone (now and forever my main instrument) and was starting to develop my love for a solid horn section. So, when I heard the explosive horn lines of Streetlight Manfiesto, I was instantly in love. But as I listened more deeply, I took in the poetry. Good lord, the poetry! If you've read anything I've posted on Vocal before (99.9% poetry so far, at the time of this writing) you may have been able to predict that I'd love a good lyricist. And I think Toh Kay is the best ever.

Most of this album is about being a misfit and not knowing where you belong (Heaven or Hell), but living the crap out of your life anyway. It's all incredible, in fact the band's entire discography, every single song, is equally incredible, but I picked this album because it was the first one that I heard, in the first weeks of a Summer vacation, making it permanently synonymous with freedom and joy. And I picked this song in particular because... something possessed me to sing it quietly as a lullaby to my son when he was born, and I've had a new appreciation for it since? Who knows? I'm trusting a feeling.

If you don't know Streetlight Manifesto, go listen to all of it. If you're one of those people who refuses to listen to any music that has horns in it, Toh Kay has released many of the songs on solo acoustic guitar albums (look him up), and for the love of all that is holy, read the lyrics of every single song regardless.

Audio for "One Foot On the Gas, One Foot In the Grave"

Lyrics for "One Foot On the Gas, One Foot In the Grave"

5. "Fire Coming Out of A Monkey's Head"

from Demon Days, by Gorillaz

"You see, without the Truth of the Eyes, the Happyfolk were blind."

-Damon Albarn

Thanks to the Internet, I had been peripherally aware of Gorillaz for some time before I truly listened and understood their greatness. For several years, I foolishly thought of the project as 'that funny, cartoon Feel Good Inc. band.' I had no idea how wrong I was.

I can't say for certain what prompted me to sit down and listen to Demon Days front to back for the first time. Just curiosity, I suppose, having finally eroded the cliff face of my stubbornness such that I fell, unexpectedly and flailing, into what I now consider one of the greatest albums ever made. I had mistaken this fictional band for a joke. A good joke, an interesting joke, but a joke nonetheless. And then Demon Days positively shocked me with the profundity of its innovation and, in particular, the compact potency of its storytelling.

I was already helplessly in love by the end of the first track, but by the time I made it to "Fire Coming Out of A Monkey's Head," I was flabbergasted. Within the song's three little minutes, there is a seamless melding of myriad musical styles and influences which forms an irresistible, groovy arc, all supporting a story — a fable, with incredible depth, which speaks straight to the human heart. I simply had never heard anything like it. My naive, young self was reminded again by this song (really, the whole album), that music can be literally anything you want it to be, and also not to judge a book by its cover, or a band by its singles. Seriously, this is one of the coolest songs ever.

Audio for "Fire Coming Out of A Monkey's Head"

Lyrics for "Fire Coming Out of A Monkey's Head"

6. & 7. "Do Not Go Quietly Unto Your Grave" & "Have A Blast"

from Good, by Morphine

&

from Periphery II: This Time It's Personal, by Periphery

"Nobody asked me, so here's my advice to a young man or woman who's living this life: In a world gone to hell, where nobody's safe, do not go quietly unto your grave."

-Mark Sandman

"It's raining pens and staples on the prisoner questioning our real purpose. Bury your sense of worth beneath the desk you call your home."

-Spencer Sotelo

I would be willing to wager that most of you who are reading this, and indeed most of you are not reading this, have felt broken before. And I don't mean that your will has been broken, your faith, your spirit, or anything about you that was once intact and was then made to be broken. I mean you've felt, at least fleetingly, that something went wrong during the process of your creation. That some fundamental aspect of your being was malfunctional and that you just don't operate like a human being in our society is intended to operate. I know because I've felt that way for most of my life, and I'm here to tell you that it's okay! It may even be a good thing, depending on what you choose to do with that feeling.

Fresh out of high school, I was so in love with music, and my experience in my school music programs, that I wanted to teach it. Every day on my way to my college classes, these songs, among many others, blasted through the speakers of the old Ford Focus handed down to me from my grandmother, and every day I became less and less sane. I did not get along well with higher education. Not because I was stupid (still am) or incapable of diligence (that too), but for many reasons. Not the least of which is that I don't do well taking instruction unless my instructor has truly captured my attention and respect, and, well... it was community college, not an expensive university. Even in my private saxophone class, I was feeling utterly uninspired by my environment, to put it mildly.

My morale suffered serious injuries with each passing lecture, especially when it came to general education credits (why would a music teacher need to know advanced math, science and history, much less pay out of pocket for the classes?). Slowly and dreadfully, the realization dawned on me that I just couldn't hack it. But all the while, I saw, surrounding me: people thriving, laughing and succeeding in the same setting that seemed to be crushing my soul and silencing my passion. Eventually, I dropped out, and to this day, I don't have detailed plans for any long term careers.

If you're going to tell me that I'm weak, foolish, lazy, dumb, a quitter, please — save your breath, because I told myself those things every day as I contemplated dropping out of college, and every day since. But even as I hammered into my own brain the notion that I was broken, mismatched, not fit for this world, these songs reminded me that other people have felt that way and still found purpose somewhere. Without that knowledge, I don't know that I would have survived the years-long downward spiral that would follow my scholarly exodus.

Audio for "Do Not Go Quietly Unto Your Grave"

Lyrics for "Do Not Go Quietly Unto Your Grave"

Audio for "Have A Blast"

Lyrics for "Have A Blast"

8. "Slow Demon"

from Tell Your Friends, by Snarky Puppy

" *squiggly violin noises* "

-Zack Brock

At the point in my life where I began a downward slide during which I would lose almost every part of my identity and what I thought made me an okay person, I was given a stunning image of the pinnacle of what my dying passion could be made to achieve: Snarky Puppy.

Whatever you think jazz is, you are unprepared for this stuff. I know I was. My love of making music was nursing a gunshot wound to the lung, but I still knew greatness when I heard it. Even as I succumbed to the creeping, slow demons of negligence, nihilism, addiction and insanity, I blindly and mutely aspired to these incredible musicians and composers. This song's slimy, stumbling and frazzled opening section still reminds me of what it felt like to lose my mind, but I can comfortably look back now and be grateful that I survived. Besides, this song is almost unfairly awesome. It doesn't matter what your taste in music is, if you stick around for this whole thing, some part of it or another will blow you away. In particular, watching these guys work their magic during their live studio recordings is just an irrefutably joyful experience, to say nothing of the experience of attending one of their shows. These grooves are infectious. Go now, and get sick with this life-changing sonic pathogen which was the anti-cancer my brain so desperately needed during some of my lowest moments.

Audio for "Slow Demon"

9. & 10. "A Fond Farewell" & "Your Day Will Come"

from From A Basement On the Hill, by Elliott Smith

&

from The Hands That Thieve, by Streetlight Manifesto

"A little less than a human being. A little less than a happy high, a little less than a suicide, the only things that you really tried."

-Elliott Smith

"If I only had a dollar for every horror that befalls my fellow man, I'd never work another hour, but I'd grow sour from the guilt and bitterness."

-Tomas Kalnoky

TRIGGER WARNING: If you're uncomfortable with discussions of loss, hard drugs and untimely death, skip ahead.

I won't belabor this segment, for your sake and mine. While I was making a series of incredibly poor life choices that would steadily deconstruct my cognitive and moral fibers, someone dear to me was doing the same thing. At the time, I was not present enough to take notice, much less action (although I don't blame myself as much as I once did). Realistically, there wasn't much I could have done, but we always tell ourselves otherwise in these situations, don't we?

In any case, my friend would lose her life to fentanyl-tainted heroine during a sudden relapse. To me, these songs are, permanently, reminders of loss, failure, helplessness and pain, but they are also inconceivably poignant. Their relevance during those moments would resuscitate my sanity, slowly, and help me to hold on (barely). And this is the importance of sad songs.

Audio for "A Fond Farewell"

Lyrics for "A Fond Farewell"

Audio for "Your Day Will Come"

Lyrics for "Your Day Will Come"

11. "Justice For Saint Mary"

from Pandora's Piñata, by Diablo Swing Orchestra

"Hear the sound of violence, it's a beat that makes us dance. You sway, and I follow your lead."

-Daniel Håkansson

My downward spiraling would continue for some time, but eventually, so many of the feelings that I had been repressing came to a nasty head. I realized, rather suddenly, that my life had become a tangled mess of almost entirely toxic and abusive relationships, romantic and otherwise. There was no doubt in my mind that I had been complicit in allowing this to happen, and I attempted to make rapid changes in myself and the way that I approached those relationships. I tried to be better.

A tragic few of the people involved in my life at this point responded well to my attempting to improve our collective conditions. Indeed, most of them reacted harshly, judgementally, and some, even violently. Over time, I had to make some hard decisions. I cut ties with many people because I realized that we were incapable of making each other's lives better anymore. What had started out as a happy, young circle of friendships, ripe with innocence, had somehow become a snake pit. I couldn't end the cycles of toxicity and I didn't want to participate in them anymore, so, as sad as I was to say these goodbyes, I felt that it was the healthiest thing for everyone.

Just before the climactic clusterfuck of this arc of my life, I discovered Diablo Swing Orchestra, which is an awesome name for an awesome band. So much of the music is wild, goofy and insanely fun, but every now and then, they can hit your feels damn hard. This song nails the sentiment of being caught in an abusive relationship, right on the head. That pinpoint emotional accuracy aided me in recognizing the tough deeds that needed doing if I was ever going to get better.

Audio for "Justic For Saint Mary"

Lyrics for "Justice For Saint Mary"

12. "The Greatest Show On Earth"

from Endless Forms Most Beautiful, by Nightwish

"We were here!"

-Tuomas Holopainen

Have you ever felt that the pursuit of knowledge and the desire to understand how the universe works is a fundamentally spiritual undertaking, that science and religion not only can coexist, but that they must coexist, that they do coexist constantly? That, no matter how cosmically insignificant we view our lives to be, we will always have taken part in the beautiful, unlikely experiment that is the very existence of life in the first place, by which the universe has come to acknowledge, know and understand itself through the eyes of the living? That the fact that anything and everything that has ever happened is unbelievable and radiant in its improbability? Well, there's an entire symphonic metal album about those sentiments, and "The Greatest Show On Earth," is the 24-minute-long closer.

If you held a gun to my head and demanded that I reveal to you the crowning artistic achievement of mankind, to date, I would submit to you this song. It is a harrowing journey, beginning in the uncaring void of empty space at the dawn of time, violently exploding into life, with all its love, its art, its fear and its war. After what feels like a roller coaster eternity of build-up, at the high point of the song, you have this massive chorus of voices shouting at the tops of their lungs the words, "We were here!" and then a bomb goes off and the music stops dead... but that's not how it ends — life and music still find a way. And if that's not art, I don't know what is. Come on.

Returning to this song gave me buckets and buckets of hope for myself and for the world when I was in the darkest of places. There is such power in it, and purpose. If you are feeling lost, close your eyes and give this one a deep, honest listen. In half an hour, when you return to the world, there's a good chance you'll do so with a fresh, inspired perspective.

Audio for "The Greatest Show On Earth"

Lyrics for " The Greatest Show On Earth"

13. "After the Storm"

from Sigh No More, by Mumford & Sons

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears."

-Marcus Mumford

After years of trials and tribulations, during which I failed continuously, I reached a point in my life where I felt like I'd lost almost everything. I didn't even know who I was anymore, and came dangerously close to making some very bad and very irreversible decisions. But I kept going. And instead of a terrible, untimely fate, I met the woman who would become my wife, and we fell in love immediately.

I don't think I believe in "God," in the Judeo-Christian sense, but it's hard for me not to believe that Angel and I were delivered to each other as an act of providence. We had both fallen hard upon some desperate times, but in refusing to give up on ourselves at crucial junctures, we were allowed to come together, almost instantaneously. This series of events is what made me certain that there is some truth to divinity, though I don't believe that it consciously discriminates or splits hairs concerning the devotional practices of its believers, or even its nonbelievers. Anyway, we're here to talk about music.

I hadn't heard this song in years, but one morning, as I was on my way home from one of the many middle-of-the-night dates that Angel and I went on in the early days of our relationship, I shuffled to it by happenstance, just as the sun was rising over the road home. The words so perfectly encapsulated my feelings in that moment that I was moved to tears, ironically. This is the first time I can remember ever crying because of unbridled joy.

Of course, I informed Angel of what had happened right away, and this became "our song." Eventually, it would be the score to our first dance together as husband and wife, and there could have been no better choice. After the storm that was a years-long gauntlet of failures, fights, losses and near-death experiences came the undisputed happiest times of my life, and those times just keep getting happier. I love my family so much, all the more as it continues to grow, and no matter what happens, we'll always have this song.

Audio for "After the Storm"

Lyrics for "After the Storm"

14. & 15. "Out Came the Hummingbirds" & "Thicc"

from Swagger and Stroll Down the Rabbit Hole, by Diablo Swing Orchestra

&

from Perihelion, by Sungazer

"All that I see is perfection. All that I feel is attraction."

-Kristin Evegård

"Thicc. Thicc. Thicc. Thicc."

-Hannah Sumner

I realized during this whole process that my playlist for this jovial, music-based challenge turned into kind of a bummer there in the middle, and then remained a bummer for quite a while. So, in the interest of evening out the scales, I'd like to bring it home with a couple of songs whose collective appeal comes primarily from the fact that they bop. And they bop hard.

"Thicc," in particular is as goofy as it is groovy, so if you ever want to feel like dancing and laughing at the same time, there's the ticket. But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that I find both of these songs to be refreshingly creative. There is a surplus of songs out there that are designed solely to make you move, and many of them can get a little... same-y. These two, while certainly classifiable as dance songs, set themselves apart by way of their instrumentation, composition and structure, not so much that they become un-dance-able but just enough that they represent something special.

Consider this final list entry a reminder, as it is to me, to have some fun. No matter what is going on in your life, there is always time to lighten your heart, and music can be an excellent way to do that. Thank you for reading. I'm impressed and grateful that you made it this far. If you listened to all of these songs along the way, first of all, I'm even more impressed now, and secondly, please let me know your favorites and feel free to make recommendations of your own! If it's not clear by now, I love music unconditionally and will gladly hear anything once. Happy listening.

Audio for "Out Came the Hummingbirds"

Lyrics for "Out Came the Hummingbirds"

Audio for "Thicc"