Teen Angst: A Playlist

For a teenager it wasn't rebellious, but for me it was the most daring thing I had done at the time.

Adolescence is like a sparkler. Suddenly it's on fire, bursting with sparks and energy. It is the feeling of being enamored by those few lights in the dark that give you butterflies in the pit of your stomach. Constantly chasing the small trails of vibrance that you hope will eventually lead you to where you're supposed to be. Toward the person you want to be.

As teenagers, that was all me and my friends were ever looking for. A thrill, an excitement, the adrenaline pumping through our veins making us feel more than what the world told us we were: just kids.

I chime in with a

"Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?"

No, it's much better to face these kinds of things

With a sense of poise and rationality

1. I Write Sins Not Tragedies by Panic! At The Disco

For a teenager it wasn't rebellious, but for me it was the most daring thing I had done at the time. There I was inside the liquor store, palms clammy with sweat, my heart pulsing inside my chest as the music blasted from my headphones straight into my ear drums. I was standing in front of the section with hard liquor, uncertain what it was that I was looking for.

The clerk at the front had made himself busy after I stepped into the store, seemingly unbothered by yet another clearly underaged teenager fumbling through his aisles. In my left hand I gripped my fake I.D. as I reached for the malibu and slowly made my way towards the front.

I could feel the tremors vibrating beneath my skin, threatening to cause a scene as I smiled nervously at the cashier. His eyes met mine and instantly turned soft.

"That's a nice skirt you've got on," He complimented in a calming tone.

I could tell that he was not even going to ask for the I.D. as he packed my bottle into the plastic bag, yet I could not stop the anxiety of getting caught.

"Thanks," I managed to breathe out and gave him a half hearted smile.

As soon as the bag was in my hands, I rushed out the store and squealed quietly in glee as I jumped straight into the arms of my friend waiting for me outside. We had finally pulled off what everyone else our age were already experts at.

What they did with "a sense of poise and rationality."

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

2. Numb by Linkin Park

Teenage angst for me wasn't always about being rebellious and breaking rules/ laws, it was also about the anxiety of meeting others' expectations.

During high school, I attended two different private schools that were both extremely competitive by nature. Not only did it feel like we were striving for the approval of our own parents but also the approval of the teachers'.

Unlike my classmates I didn't have my whole future planned out by my parents. I wasn't following in anyone's footsteps, I didn't have a business to take over nor was I planning on applying to Oxford or Cambridge. I was merely trying to survive in an environment of students that were headed down the paths of fame and success.

To be fair I wasn't doing too bad for myself. I was the leader of a charity throughout my whole high school career, I did cheerleading, tennis and joined the drama club even. My plate was full of extracurriculars and I still managed to maintain A's and B's despite my tendency to not study.

However, I struggled a lot with completing schoolwork and building a solid social life. Surprisingly not because my schedule was maxed out most of the time, but rather because I struggled with anxiety and depression.

I was constantly stressing about overthinking; believing that my parents wanted more from me and that I would eventually disappoint them. Stressing that I was not good enough to be friends with the people in my grade. Stressing that I would eventually fall behind in school and earn the wrath of my teachers.

Perhaps a part of me wished that my parents would have told me who to be, like all the other parents at my school did with their children. But that part of me also knew that I would have rejected whatever identity they gave me.

I was the one who had put myself "under the pressure".

I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else

Gets me frustrated

Life's like this, you

And you fall, and you crawl, and you break

And you take what you get, and you turn it into

Honesty and promise me I'm never gonna find you faking

No, no, no

3. Complicated by Avril Lavigne

It was like a black abyss that I couldn't claw my way out of. I constantly ran from the person I was, in an attempt to be someone I admired.

We were dancing in front of my floor to ceiling mirror as Avril Lavigne blasted in the background. We were playing all of our favorite childhood songs following youtube tutorials on how to do your makeup to look more mature.

I had my favorite knee length boots on, a mini skirt and a crop top. My friend had dressed more casually with ripped jeans and a tank top. We both knew that we were too young to get into any clubs without our fake I.D.s but it didn't stop us from feeling like adults.

"Ew, he's still texting you?" She asked as I opened a snapchat from a guy that I had made out with at a party the other night.

"What? He's cute!" I replied, annoyed that she wasn't as excited as I was over the surprise text.

"Didn't he literally just break up with his girlfriend?"

I huffed ignoring the fact that she was right. In that moment it didn't matter. I was finally getting attention from the guy I had had a crush on for the whole year.

"Maybe it's just meant to be," I smirked.

He invited me to a party with his friends that I happily declined. I was already going out clubbing with our older friends which gave me the chance to play hard to get.

We arrived an hour late, fashionably, and called our friend to come out and meet us by the bouncer. He owned a vape shop just across the street and was already chummy with the people working there.

"They're cool," He said to the bouncer as he stopped us for our I.D.s, instead just nodded and let us in. We giggled in excitement and went in to meet the guys my friend had met through tinder earlier that year.

They ordered us multi-colored shots that were carried out on fancy planks. By the end of the night we would have spent $0 of our own money- not like we had any at the time, but it made us feel like we owned the world.

It was about 1 a.m. when we stumbled into a group of girls in the bathroom that were so clearly older than us. They had big boobs and full blown make up, and were there with their boyfriends.

Instead of feeling intimidated I forced myself to fit in with them. Struck up conversation about topics that I had yet to live through myself and felt even drunker on the lies I spewed.

I couldn't help but internally cringe at myself as I realised my lack of experience in comparison to those I was surrounded by.

In the end, I was just trying to act like I was "somebody else."

All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head

Running through my head

4. All The Things She Said by t.A.T.u

Being a teenager, the one thing that felt more important in life than anything else was finding love.

For me, however, it wasn't as easy as just wanting a boyfriend but also trying to understand my sexuality.

"Are you sure you're not into girls?" My friend asked during lunch one day at school, after a long weekend of birthday parties.

"I don't think so," I shrugged casually brushing it off.

"You made out with a few girls this weekend, though?"

I wasn't certain how to answer. At that time I saw myself as a normal straight girl, just having a bit of fun while I was drunk. It didn't mean anything more and to me it didn't have to.

But after seeing my sister in a happy relationship with another girl and my friends coming out to me, I finally felt ready to start exploring my own sexuality.

I met a girl on tinder that made me extremely happy and felt that I was where I was meant to be in life. Open to dating not only boys but also girls.

We started as friends because we didn't want to rush anything or force each other to feel pressured towards a relationship; even though we met through a dating app.

Then, one night we ended up drunk, laying in her hammock making out. We were both so lost in euphoria that even when we fell out of the hammock and all her roommates started laughing at us, we kept going.

It was the best month of my life that rapidly came to an end. For one reason or another she texted me and told me that she felt things were moving too fast and wanted a break. A break that turned into forever. Long story short, I never heard from her again.

The experience made me accept myself but it also made me scared that may be I came out too late and would never truly fit into the LGBTQ+ community.

I kept analysing the situation over and over in my head without ever being able to come to a conclusion.

"All the things she said" kept "running through my head".

Ain't it fun

Livin' in the real world

Ain't it good

Bein' all alone

5. Ain't It Fun by Paramore

Despite the ups and downs of my teenage angst, University changed so much for me. It made me realise that I could be independent and make decisions for myself. It was no longer a question of: Who am I? Rather an answer of: I am me.

All of those trials, frustrations and anxieties that I went through to get to where I am now was worth it. Those memories, the happy ones and the sad ones, are what make me the person I am today.

Looking back now I find it silly but also entirely valid. I was a teenager that had yet to experience the world for myself and realise that I could be whoever I chose to be. That eventually I wouldn't have to depend on others' approval to provide me with happiness.

"Ain't it fun/ Livin' in the real world"?