songs i could listen to on repeat
In no particular order:
12. Capsize by FRENSHIP and Emily Warren
It's the feeling of almost drowning. The feeling of excitement then heartstopping numb.
It's that moment you find out that your worst nightmare is coming true.
It's you reaching out to me from a sinking ship and me grabbing you anyway.
And I'm right back where I started.
Because now we're both falling.
I beat the water out of my way in wide strokes. The world is blue, the weight of the fading light rushes at me, dragging me down.
I am much too close to the bottom to survive the trip back up.
And so I will treasure the time I have left.
The light is soft and fading, but the world is alive. Alive alive alive.
I would twirl with you around the room and let our heartbeats sync up to the rhythm of the song.
Oh, my god.
I would miss the way it felt to be loved like you loved me.
Oh, my god.
But I'm fine.
Because I think the cold is getting to me now, and I'm swimming against the tide, but I am getting tired, my love, and it seems that you are the only person who cares.
I said I'm fine.
When I close my eyes you are burned into them, the image of you and your laughter and your light.
I think I am closing my eyes for the last time.
You, smiling, head tilted just enough to be on purpose.
You, with your winded curiosity and your hair blowing in the breeze.
And I never got to say what I wanted.
Because of you I laugh when someone makes a joke.
Because of you I really see the world around me.
Because of you I am swimming against the tide.
Because of you, I am filled with pride.
But how could you have ever known?
Because I keep giving in to the lonely.
Because I am too close to the bottom, and I don't think you'd want to fix me, anyway.
13. Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore
There are so many ways I want to worship you, I would stand at your temple. You could bring me to my knees, you could bring the world down with me.
Your feet scuff at the sand pouring into the castle, but it is dark, and when you close your eyes the blackness is stained with brilliant light, the rays of the sun cast across your eyelids.
The waking world is cold in its darkness, but the daydreams bring light and warmth and something that feels like hope. The sand is rising, threatening to bury you. Do you even care? When they bury the castle do they realize the hopes and dreams it once held? Do they watch as sand snuffs out the flames of that hope? I don't think they do.
When you live in fairytales, do you get a happy ending or do the whims of fate bring you to your knees in front of them, snipping every cord, fraying every edge? When the clock strikes 12 I think the world would be better off asleep, drowning in nonsense dreams and destitute nightmares that differ from the real world in only one way.
When you build up your world of magic will I be there? Will my whims and nonsense make you smile?
Do you run through the halls, frantic as sand surrounds your feet, do you sob into the empty dark for your forsaken gods to save you? There are no Gods left anymore.
The tragedy that is real life, the truth in front of you, is that where you want to be? Or would you rather be with me, drowning in the remnants of something once great, something that rivaled nations and brought the world to its knees.
The forgotten realness of the world is gone, you are left with the magic and the empty gods and the buried castle deep in the sand.
It is almost up to your knees now and you have trouble running. Your feet sink into the ground, and it's like the world is trying to consume you, back to its depths, back from whence you came. But where did you come from? You almost can't remember, it is so far away, as buried as the castle. You are too far away to be found now.
When the angles are wrong, when the butterflies have lost their wings, what will you do then? Will you give in to the relentless drumming of sand through stone?
They always tell you to get your head out of the clouds, but what happens when you don't? What happens when you get lost in the clouds, what happens when you can't come back?
The sand won't stop rising, it is up to your thighs now, deep and impenetrable, slow and ruthless. Will they come for you? Or will they forget? Will they forget how you could see in the dark? Will they forget the way it felt to be swept away by your mystery? How could they forget you? How could they forget the way you blew them all away with your world and your mystery?
Could you dig your way out, shovel by shovel? Could you create a space that is only for you, an oasis of peace that nobody will ever find?
The sand is at your waist. Where is your prince now? Where is the fantasy world you saw in the clouds? How could it be so cruel?
If it's not real you can't hold it in your hand, but why? Why can't you? Why can't you carry the falsities of the world on a piggy back ride through this world that is crumbling to the ground?
I can feel you in my heart. I can feel the way you watched the world and the way you smiled at trivial things. I loved your smile.
The sand is at your chest now, pressing against your lungs, beating down on your throat like an angry storm.
I can't see anything that's real, I can't hold the world in my hands, but it is dark, and maybe the fantasy has gone too far.
You breathe in the sand and it buries you.
Have you gone too far?
14. Let Your Heart Hold Fast by Fort Atlantic
What do you do when your days are spent, when the tether binding you to this world has loosened itself, when you float above the clouds, counting down the day like x’s marking a calendar?
What do you do when your cards are dealt and the hand you hold is a losing bet? Do you play the game? Do you fold? Or do you push it all in? Living on hope and the desolation of placing everything on the line.
What do you do when every inch of you is revealed? When there is nothing left to lose but everything is on the line?
At the end, do you hand in your cards and go on your way? Or do you fight until the bitter end, until there is nothing worth fighting for anymore?
The hole in my heart was pierced by you, yet you seem unfazed, jovial in your success, unaware or uncaring of me and my falling apart.
Let your heart hold fast, but will this really pass? Will the ship reach the harbor, will the plane stick its landing? Every mile traveled through this world, and I have never seen someone like you, someone so uncaring in their joy, someone so broken that they are content to drown in the misery wrought on them by the joy they sought so long ago.
I walk alone, but I can't believe that, because you follow me like a lost heartbeat, and I don't think I'm taking the right message, but there is nothing else that you bring to mind when I hear you. Nothing that batters me like you do, nothing that fills me with joy like you do.
Every broken step is made to find you, always searching, always blind.
But I fear, I do, even when you tell me not to. And you say it will pass, that there is another year ahead, but who am I to believe any words you say?
I see your soul, exposed to me like an empty building, falling to the ground and breaking apart in the way something never should. But at the bitter end, it is you. It is me, every mile, every step, searching and found.
I have never been exposed like that, pulled apart, broken in my madness back and forth, forth and back. A lie that you tell me. Every ocean you drag me through, every canyon, granite walls, echoing off the stone is a lie that will soon pass. The high tide wanted to sweep us all away, but you hold on. Why? Do you think it will fix us? Because I think we are beyond fixing. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe the world really is as good as you seem to think, but I can't see it. I can't see it and I don't know if I can ask you to show me.
When your calls echo through me, I think maybe everything will come back, maybe the world doesn't need fixing, maybe it just needs you, your hope that everything isn't falling apart.
In the corner of my eyes I can see the broken steps, the mansion desolated in its emptiness, holding back fear like a dam blocks a river.
At the bitter end, I find myself alone. Alone from your light, alone from your cards alone alone alone. What am I supposed to do with this emptiness?
15. Hold Your Fire by Bad Suns
I'm not at the end of my rope. I'm not at the end of my rope. I am dangling, cast above a chasm that is unrelenting, deep in its blackness. I used to repeat the words when the world wanted me gone, wanted me cast aside like an old doll.
Hold your fire, don't shoot, stand back, because there is nothing on the other end but misery. The lights are switched on and the world is at bay, if only for a minute. Warm cozy light escapes those windows, dangling itself in front of me like a vicious taunt.
On the contrary, Holmes, there is nothing to be seen here, nothing to be brought back, nothing to be tamed. I am untameable, unrelenting, wild and free and desolate in every second that passes. I walk up the stairs, to that light, to the softness of comfort and unrelenting warmth that I am not invited to. I walk in anyway. I watch them, in the way their stunned faces take in my madness, in the way they gape in awe or disgust, I can't tell. It might as well be both, for all I care.
Please, I don't want to cry tonight. Please. I don't want to feel tonight. Please, I don't want to be tonight.
Tell me it's going to be alright. Tell me even if it is a lie, because the world is crashing into me, I am losing my grip. I am not at the end of my rope. And I grip my fingers in it, lacing them through to soften the blow. But it will hit anyway. Bloody and insistent, ruthless and untameable. I have been too cocky, in my anger, in my stubbornness. Climbing the flights of stairs like there is nothing holding me back. But my legs are aching, my thighs are burning. I am not sure how much more of this I can take.
Beat me back, like the rising current at high tide. Fight against me, burn like I do. But, no, can't you see? Can't you see that there is nothing worth holding on for? Building up, up, up, up, like the towering building of the city, rising above me in constant company with each other. I wish I could be so still, so patient and tangled in the way they line the city skies with light. I wish I could be that, a source of light like they are. There is nothing holding me back, and I burn and I burn and I burn.
16. The Fighter by Gym Class Heroes ft. Ryan Tedder
When I wake up my chain of thought is derailed, spinning, flowing through the river of nothing. I didn't sleep well, my mind adrift, undone.
There goes the Fighter, I watch him, if he can do everything then why can't I? 30 rounds, from nothing town. My train of thought is a disaster, deep in the ground, stuck in the mud like a person in quicksand.
There goes the Fighter, a couple right hooks, a few left jabs. Living life until we're dead, right?
I'm damn sure that we should give them Hell, but what if we don't have Hell in us? I am weak, the Fighter is not weak, The Fighter is the strongest among us. And they say to me, what will we do? Half the population is intent on failure, but I think they are wrong, I think they doubt the Fighter and his skill. Because we will live life until we're dead, and the fight goes and comes, but he is still the Fighter, coming and going as he pleases, and that's okay, because this ones a Fighter, and we cherish him to the ends of the earth.
Give me scars, because I am a burden, I am only the prerequisite, the Fighter is before you and you cower, as you should. They told me, as a kid, that the real Fighter spoke at the end, and I believed them. I still don't know if it's true, but I like to believe it, I still believe it.
If my chin is weak, will you still be in my corner?
That's what they say to me, that the Fighter is coming and I believe them, as I should for once, because the referee is ringing the bell and I am watching, in awe, in reverence, as the Fighter takes them on, stronger than I will ever be. Stronger than anyone. I believe in you Fighter, you are my rock, my hero, my Fighter.
Half the population is wrong though, they hold their signs, they shout with their voices, hate and derision, like you are not a person. How can they do that? How can they act so superior? I may never understand.
Give them Hell, give them Hell, make them regret everything they said. Because they should, they are ignorant, they are nothing compared to you, The Fighter.
What do they do this for? Do they seek popularity, do they seek glory?
The population watches you, a whole population assesses you. And what must that be like? Half the population cheers you on, but yet half give you looks of derision, what right do they have to give you a look like that? No right at all. They are greedy, obsessive in their wealth, unopen in their opinions. What right do they have, what right should they have? Nothing at all I think.
But they are ignorant, better off trying to freeze Hell.
You were a kid, going nowhere fast, but you proved them wrong, didn't you? How must that feel, to prove the ignorant wrong? I would relish that feeling, I would drink it down until there was nothing left, but maybe that is the difference between us, you don't want to sip from that drink, and maybe that is good. Maybe I am just greedy.
You deserve this drink more than I do, anyway.
This one’s the Fighter, don't doubt that.
17. Shattered [Turn the Car Around] by O.A.R.
Oh god it is so shrill. It is so bright, brilliant in its emptiness. But it's always back to you. You, with your resolute unbreakable feeling. This song will shatter my head. Give it up. Give it up now. But you won't, and maybe that is the best part of you because it is always back to you.
How many times can I break? How long will it take for everything to come crashing down? How many times can I break until the world has no meaning in it anymore?
I need a change, another time, another place to fuck everything up. But it's okay, I'm okay without you. If I say it enough times, will it be true?
I am in the car, the world is passing by my window, and it is so fast, so fleeting. So how can time move by so slow if the world goes by so fast? The past chases me in this car, and if I slow down I think it will catch up, but I don't know how to face it, I don't know whether it will break me apart so I will run and run and run. But you make me want to turn the car around, maybe if I come back for you I can forget everything else.
I promise I'm okay without you.
I can't figure out what I'm running toward, only that I am running from you, from everything you bring with you. The hopeless, the pain.
I didn't think this one would be so hard. I thought the words would come easy, but they don't and it is a great surprise that I didn't expect.
I leave the house in the pouring rain, the darkness is too much and I keep the lights on until I can't anymore. It chases me, the darkness. Let me make my own choices, because if I turn the car around I will never decide for myself if I was meant to be here or if I was meant to keep driving, on and on into the future when I can't seem to escape the past.
You have to listen, Lucy, you have to listen, then the words will flow easier.
The lyrics are so powerful, they are alone in their power, they don't need anything else.
I feel the realness, but it's fake and I know it's fake but how can you bring about change if you don't try? How do you start trying when you can't even get out of bed in the morning?
I need more, I need more, more, more more, of you, of life, of everything, but I don't know where to get it, because I am running from you and I don't know if I will ever want to stop.
The night is so long and the rain is falling, bringing me closer and closer to you. Closer and closer. I can't remember where I am going, and I feel like a fraud. Fake in my emptiness.
I want to make my own way, I want to create a path that nobody has ever seen before, but I keep following others and maybe that's okay but I don't think it is because it feels like doing the same thing over and over again is the downfall of us, and how does one stop a downfall if not by putting everything back together?
And oh God I am turning the car around. I am chasing my way back to you and I am turning the car around. And the road is slick and the path is treacherous, and I dodge the obstacles in my way because I will always turn the car around, of course, I will always turn the car around. I don't want to turn the car around but I've got to turn this thing around. For you I will always turn the car around.
18. I'm Just a Kid by Simple Plan
Here it goes.
When I wake up the clock has barely hit seven. Why do I wake up so early?
It is so familiar, like reading your favorite book for the millionth time. I remember the first time. It was in a movie? Can you believe that? It doesn't seem like the type.
By 11 nobody had called. I should have expected that. Why do I think my friends would call? If you don't hear from them, are they really your friends?
The night is dead and the four walls surround me. It's always the four walls, A black cube of square walls and a bed, and I am looking out into the blackness and there is nothing. Nothing to focus on, nothing to think about besides my own misery. And what kind of life is that?
Being alone is like nothing else in the world. It is you, it is nothing but you, and the raving of your head and the breaking of your heart and the madness in your mind.
And I know that it's not fair, that life is not fair, it seems like I have to learn these lessons the hard way, all on my own, but I'm just a kid. And they keep leaving me alone, alone alone alone. What do you know about being alone? What do you do about being alone?
I don't have the answer. I don't know if anyone does.
And what the Hell is wrong with me, don't lie, because I know there is something. Something that drives people away, something that keeps them from coming back.
And these nightmares keep plaguing me the nightmare of life, I am alone, and nobody wants that. I am alone in this world, just a kid, alone, and everyone else seems to be having so much fun. What do you do when you are the only one spending every day on your own?
When the day is dead I sometimes think that it will never come back again. How does the sun go out? And sometimes I never want the night to end, I wish the sun would go out forever, and then maybe I wouldn't be alone anymore.
How did this happen to me? I'm wide awake. And everyone knows you are supposed to be asleep, but sometimes sleep eludes me and I have to find solace in the night, in the darkness. And sometimes there is no solace in the night, sometimes it is only cruelty and punishment and nightmares so what do you do until the sun rises again? Drown in darkness? But what's another night on your own, when every day is the same? When every day is full of loneliness and emptiness and broken desires. And that shouldn't be the end of it. There should be a happy ending right?
19. Into the Ocean by Blue October
You're supposed to float? So why do I sink? To the bottom of the ocean, where the whales give me funny looks, where the water is so cold I sometimes think I am freezing to death. And I don't know how to think, only that maybe I want to stop my ending, yet maybe I don't, because the pressure and the cold and the feeling of sinking are familiar as if I have been doing it my whole life.
Midnight brings with it the thoughts of you and I can't think them away, and I can't bring them back when they leave me behind, and I can't make them go away, even though sometimes I think I want to.
End it all.
It's like floating in space, weightless, watching the glittering blue overcome me. I think maybe the beauty would outweigh the pain. So let the waves take me down, let the hurricane come down, let the rain fade into the sky.
The light feels like protection, but maybe I don't want that, maybe I would be okay without solid ground under me. Maybe I was never meant to see the light again, and maybe I am okay with that.
End it all.
I would like to swim away from you, away from everything that weighs me down into the ocean, everything that makes me a normal boy, sinking instead of swimming. I am colliding into the sounds of the ocean, a thick silence that brings me the deepest calm.
And sometimes I want to swim away, but swimming in the dark was always hard for me, swimming through the way the loss of you makes me feel like a deep abyss, an abyss that maybe I don't want to swim through afterall. I could drown in darkness and maybe I wouldn't mind, maybe I would relish in the way my breath vanished into the deep darkness.
End it all.
I am so cold. Cold in a way that you could never imagine. But I'm letting the rain come down, I'm letting everything come down, every shred of bleary darkness. I have broken down, I am sinking, but how can I stop my ending? What happens when this ending may well be the only way to escape?
End it all.
I don't know if I want to wake, to sunshine, to the empty abyss that I carry with me. Maybe I want to end it after all. So let the rain come down, let the hurricane beat the boats until they sink, let the world come tumbling down.
I am spinning, colliding into sound as I break the icy surface of the ocean. Deeper, deeper. Fading in the blue like I was never there at all. Maybe I never was.
I am broken down, my legs and arms, my head, my feet and everything in between.
I am stuck again.
End it all and let the rain come down.
20. Hell Yeah By Nothing But Thieves
If not here, then where do we belong?
There is nothing better, the slowness, the way it flows. Why don't we go there? We don't belong here but we'll make it our own and maybe that's all that really matters, right?
And the warmth is unnerving, it's like getting off a plane to your new destination and having the cold assault you, or the heat burn you to ashes.
It's all like home. It's all flawed and unhidden in its flawedness.
Hell, yeah, where will we go from here? It is not ours, it belongs to them in their selfishness, in their burning rage. We could do so much better, I think, but maybe that is a lie, maybe we all think we could do better than anyone else.
They believe it, they believe that their world will be so different from this one. But here's the secret, we can all make mistakes, we can all beat each other in something, but we will lose at something else, and maybe that's what they don't want you to know. That we are flawed and broken and piecing ourselves back together.
I never expected it to be easy, but I never thought it would be this hard. The words are stuck in my throat, and they talk about control, control over love, but we don't have any, we never will. It's danger, it's the slightest remark, deep and dark in its emptiness.
God, it's so poignant. It is immaculate and precise and deeply personal in a way that I will never understand.
It's all inside. It's all inside of you, of me, of us, of the world.
But where do we go? In a world of unlimited choices, yet we want none of them. We want the world at our fingertips, we want the way it feels to be powerful. But power is meaningless when there is nobody to overpower.
This fucking town, it is so flawed and so broken and so brittle. Why would I ever go back? It's because of that power. It's because I have something to show off. I don't really, though. I am falling behind, I am watching the world move on without me and she just said I was here. They do everything and I am just here.
Have I made my peace with sorrow? Has the world come to terms with the fact that nothing will ever be fixed? That every solution brings with it another problem? It is all inside, all frayed and tangled so bad that nothing could unravel that mess. Nobody could sit down and pull it all apart without breaking something. It is all inside.
It is dangerous, and the slightest remark makes me want to cry. Just here. I am just here. Doing nothing, being nothing. It is just me and my words and us against the world and the people who don't want us.
It's special to me, this one, in a way the others aren't, because this is their song. This is their world, a piece of them that I have come to understand.
The voices, the angles and the pitches and the way it flows everything together.
I think I have made my peace with sorrow.