Song Review: 'Toosie Slide'Why Do People Like Drake?

Drake is truly a phenomenon that remains a mystery to me. I’ve attempted reviews of Drake before and they’ve all degenerated into a confused string of expletives as Drake’s appeal continued to elude me. Now that he has the number one song in America once again I have to try again to crack the code of Drake. Oh, this is a challenge. Toosie Slide is yet another baffling bit of nonsense in which Drake sleepily name drops fashions and Michael Jackson.

Toosie Slide is basically a song intended to capitalize on the popularity of Tic Toc. It contains the most blatant and mindless dance instruction that it could have been written entirely as a meme and been just as successful as a full length song. Releasing Toosie Slide as just a Drake meme would also save me from having to review it, I can dream about that at least. Sadly, this is a full length song, over 4 minutes of Drake’s lazy, non-sequitur references.

So what is a Toosie Slide? It’s named for a social media influencer named Toosie who popularized the song via Tic Toc before it had been released to the rest of the world. Toosie and friends on Tic Toc created a dance for the song and it became a sensation on the social media site. What began as Drake paying tribute to Michael Jackson’s Moonwalk became the Toosie Slide and a viral sensation was born.

Yes, it’s as artistically bankrupt as it sounds. A social media influencer didn’t understand that Drake was describing Michael Jackson’s Moonwalk… “Left foot up, right foot slide. Right food up left slide..” and Drake got a hit out of it. The ugly, empty, capitalist capitalization doesn’t stop there though. Even as Drake was paying tribute to Michael Jackson, his try hard-ness comes shining through in the blatant way in which the song was built to appeal to Tic Toc.

How else does Toosie get the song before anyone else and get the song named after him? This was calculated from the very start. Now, I understand the concept of truth in art and selling out is a relic of my Generation, Gen-X, but why? Why are we now seemingly okay with one of the biggest stars in the world making the most inorganic, dull and calculated move in music? Why do audiences mindlessly make this a hit?

What else is there to say? How do you criticize something so empty? Toosie Slide is bereft of artistry. The song is calculated and devoid of meaning. And we haven’t even talked about that dull, hackneyed beat, wildly derivative of every other exceptionally dull tune Drake has subjected us to in the past. I admit, Trap Music is not for me but I’ve reviewed plenty of things that shouldn’t appeal to me that I could at least understand why they were popular. Drake only further eludes me here.

I cannot imagine a song this lazy. Literally, there exists a song called The Lazy Song and it is not as lazy as what Drake has made with Toosie Slide. The lyrics are classically Drake in that he says a lot while saying or revealing nothing at all. Here, Drake just shouts out his favorite designers, and pays empty tribute to Michael Jackson. He asks if we want him to dance like Michael which I imagine is a joke as such movement would require a level of effort unattainable for Drake throughout his baffling career.

I cannot think of an artist whose basic appeal I find so elusive. I might have compared him to Post Malone but I recently reviewed Circles and that song is brilliant. If I didn’t understand the appeal of Post Malone before Circles, I definitely understand it now, he’s a damned genius. Drake is a pop anomaly. I cannot understand what audiences connect to about him? Is it the tunelessness? Is it rebelling against traditional music?

Are young people so desperate to reject the music of the past that they have embraced the antithesis of music in Drake? Even critics who have praised Toosie Slide have cited their appreciation for Drake's business sense while saying next to nothing about the song. That right there sums up almost all of Drake's career when you really think about it.