Shiver

Frisson.

It's the French word for "shiver". In this case though, it's not because you're cold. It's because you are stimulated by music. Did you know that only 55-86% of people actually experience this? That was news to me. I am happy to include myself in this percentage because music really moves me, and it always has.

I have been a singer and lover of music for as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest childhood memories are sitting on the couch singing with my dad at the age of only two. If I could write a soundtrack of my life, it would probably be never ending. So many beautiful moments, made even more memorable by an amazing song. So many tragic moments with songs that remind you of how far you have come.

I don't think I could ever perfect a solid list of songs to describe each moment, but I could try. First and foremost, I would have to add this song on principle alone.

Jingle Bells (Instrumental)

I imagine at this point; you already have a giant question mark above your head. Well, let me explain. I was born on Christmas Day. Every year, I am allowed to tell whoever I want that I am literally their gift and that they can't return me. This was something I really felt ripped off to have as a child. No birthday parties. Christmas themed cakes. Almost always forgotten. I can't count the amount of times I've heard, "Oh yeah, happy birthday!" towards the end of Christmas day. As an adult, I've really come to love it. It makes me feel pretty special to have a birthday that people all over the world are celebrating with me, even if they don't know about it.

A soundtrack of my life would not be complete without the song my dad named me after:

Thin Lizzy- Sarah

This is in fact the song we used to sing together when I was just a baby. In a perfect world, I would have been able to share a father/daughter dance with him at my wedding to this song. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance. My family is pretty broken which leads me to this song.

Pink- Family Portrait

My parents divorced when I was two. Life went from singing on the couch with my dad to moving from house to house. Not knowing a whole lot of stability. One thing was always sure, we would pack up and move again. Our things would come out of storage but would ultimately be there. Again. Things would be lost. Just as you were getting comfortable in your home and your neighborhood and your school, everything would change. Talk about feeling alone.

Simple Plan- I'm Just A Kid

I spent most of my time growing up alone. I was the youngest of three girls and both of my sisters were usually off doing their own thing. They were able to go and do things that I was never allowed. Being the youngest sometimes worked in my favor though. My sisters were at the age of experimenting with all of the thing's kids will. I was just little. I really didn't have friends, so I learned a lot about myself by being by myself. Dad moved to Minnesota. Mom kept us in California. Mom really enjoyed her freedom and spent a lot of time hanging out with her friends ang going out to night clubs. My sisters spent time in their rooms or at their friends houses. I spent time with channel 64 and drawing supplies.

I soon learned that I was pretty good at drawing. I also found out I enjoyed writing and even won a few awards and a medal at school for my work. When I was 9, the movie Bride of Chucky came out. That's when I first saw Tiffany and I suddenly knew I wanted to do makeup. She was gorgeous. Her makeup. Her style. I wanted to be just like her, minus the murdering, ya know. I started keeping this song on repeat and taught myself how to do makeup.

Blondie- Call Me

I never had any clothes I liked growing up. Most of the stuff I had were hand me downs that came from my sisters but every once in awhile, Dad would come visit and when he did, he took us clothes shopping for school. This would be the only time I was ever to actually choose what I wanted for school and my wardrobe went from hated hand me down clothes to torn up jeans, tights, jean skirts and clothes in every shade of black. These clothes made me feel like me. It's weird how clothes can do that but it's a fact. I felt like I was able to freely express myself and not be forced to wear things I hated for the sake of convenience.

I feel like that confidence was short lived though. Before too long, the comments started. Everything was apparently wrong with me. From the color and style of my clothes to my makeup. Even my body parts were offensive. I was too fat. My breasts were too big. My teeth were messed up and I had weird looking feet that were too little according to family. These were "jokes", but man, did they do some damage. I was only 11 when I began self-harming and starving myself.

Evanescence- Missing

All that confidence I had in my new clothes and my look was suddenly diminishing. I started covering myself in a huge wind breaker type jacket. Hiding my body from everyone who could judge it and guess what... we were moving again. Mom had a new boyfriend. We were moving to a "better" house. I remember my first impression of this "better" house was shock. This wasn't better. I actually cried upon seeing my room. It was hyped up that I would finally have my own room. My oldest sister was living away from home now, so there was just two of us now. My room was tiny. There was enough room for a twin bed and not much else. I felt like I didn't even belong with the family. Like I was a dog in covered porch. Mom's friend tried to comfort me, claiming she would help me set it up so it would look cute. That never happened.

Ultimately, this is where I would learn how to make collages. Every magazine I could get my hands on became wall paper for that room. Back then magazines even came with posters, and I was able to hang those up as well. It didn't make the room bigger but having things I enjoyed somehow made it better. Before long, this is the house where I would meet my best friend. The Spice Girls weren't even a thing by this time, and hadn't been for awhile. I still had all of their CDs though, and when Noel moved into the house down the street, I was able to lure her to my yard with music.

Spice Girls- Wannabe

We started up a girl's dance group with each other and one other girl. We were so serious about becoming famous. We memorized dance moves to our favorite Spice Girls and Britney Spears songs and worked hard. If we were together, we were dancing. My front yard became our stage and every car that passed by or neighbor that came outside was an unwilling participant in our imaginary celebrity status. We even called places of business and asked if they allowed performers to dance on the tables. Imagine my shock when the local pizza place said that wasn't allowed. The nerve.

Mom decided to get married. I was angry. Her boyfriend was mean and didn't like us kids. He never did. On the bright side though, mom had quit drinking. She was home all the time now. My sisters had started having kids and I had to go on homeschool to help babysit them. Despite not wanting to see mom marry this guy, and despite being angry about being forced to leave school once again to take care of something that wasn't my responsibility, it still happened. I wasn't allowed to leave my front yard. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. Also, Mom didn't like people in the house so it was rare that I was even allowed a friend to stay the night. So the flames of our dancing group eventually flickered out.

More often than not, all I had for the sake of a social life was the good old world wide web and Yahoo chatrooms. This is where my 14 year old self met the biggest mistake of my life. Myspace and Yahoo chat rooms were everything. You could make friends from all over the world and not feel alone and that's exactly what I was trying to do when that mistake sent me a message.

We started talking and became friends. Eventually he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. Looking back now, I'm not sure why. I think I was just really lonely, and I wanted someone who cared about me. Long story short, he didn't. He ended up sending me a cell phone that he made me keep on all night while he slept. At the time, I thought it was meant to be cute... looking back, I realize how creepy and controlling it actually was. Oh, and before I forget to mention, he was 18.

Time passed and before I knew it, I was 15. Too much was going on. Moms' husband was always mean to us. Mom seemed to always side with him, eventually it led to me being punched in the face and moving out with that guy I met online 6 hours away. I immediately knew it was a mistake and didn't even want to go. I remember holding back tears as we drove up to Northern California. I was so scared. I felt betrayed by my mom. I felt discarded and devastated that I wasn't chosen over her husband. I felt abandoned. I felt terrified leaving my house as a child to live with someone I barely knew.

Megan Mccauley- Porcelain Doll

Life didn't get easier. I hadn't finished school yet. It didn't seem as if I was going to either. This guy couldn't be bothered to help me get enrolled. He couldn't be bothered to do anything. I became completely dependent on him. He didn't want me to have a job and whenever I was able to land one, he took all of my money from me. More often than not we lived with his parents or grandparents. I did eventually end up enrolling myself and graduating with perfect grades when I was 19. The first of my family to finish school and acquire a diploma. I was so proud! (even if it was a little late.)

Vitamin C- The Graduation Song

I still don't feel fully comfortable talking about the details of what went on for the remainder of that relationship. I will say that during this time, I faced horrific abuse and I think we can just leave it at that.

Kesha- Praying

After seven years of abuse, I managed to get out of there. I headed back home to mom's house and tried to pick up the pieces and figure things out. I immediately started getting into shape. I was tired of the body shaming I had faced as a child and the abuse from the ex. I worked on me in the beginning. I promised myself that no one would ever call me fat again and I worked my ass off to crush those goals. I also planned on going to college to get my cosmetology degree. By this time, I was making money doing makeup and just wanted to make it official.

Britney Spears- Work Bitch

That didn't end up working out though, because before too long, things were falling back into the same pattern. I was a babysitter. I was being told what to do all the time. What time to go to bed. When I could or couldn't go somewhere. All of it... oh and now I was too skinny.

I had made a few friends and one of the people I met was Jerimiah.

He was my shoulder in all of the craziness, and he was going through his own. He lived in Texas, and I was in California. We talked on the phone and through text. We immediately hit it off and started to talk every single day. Eventually, we were just a "we". There was no asking. It just happened.

Counting Crows- Accidentally In Love

We fell madly in love. He came to pick me up and we were headed home to Texas. We began building our little home together and though we struggled, things couldn't have been more perfect. Before too long, I was pregnant! I was so excited! Things were finally perfect. Would it last? Of course not. A doctor's appointment would reveal that I had cancer.

We were told to abort the baby for my safety but we didn't do it. We were in this together and she was going to be safe. She was too. Things were hard but she was on her way. Before I knew it, there was this tiny beautiful face. We had created a warrior. I was on cloud 9. We both were. Suddenly, here was this tiny fighting miracle.

Trisha Paytas- Warrior

We had been told she would be the only one. Imagine our surprise when we found out we would be blessed with baby number two! I used to sing to my perfect baby boy every single day. This song was one that seemed to calm him even during his worst days of teething. His tiny smile as he chewed on his little hands lives on in my head every single time I hear it.

Christina Aguilera- All I Need

Later on, we found out another precious little angel was headed our way. This time, I knew I couldn't go on. This pregnancy was rough. The most painful of all and so many times I wanted to give up. I took a pretty bad fall during this one and I remember having this moment where I knew I couldn't do it anymore. She was the last. I spent the rest of my pregnancy cherishing every last tummy butterfly she gave me. Every kick. Every turn. Before I knew it, she was here.

Britney Spears- Someday I Will Understand

A few months later, Jerimiah proposed. We did things a little backwards, but I loved every minute of it. I said yes and we began planning our wedding. Neither one of my parents showed up. There was a big feud caused by another family member happening between my dad and I and my mom said she couldn't afford to come. I felt alone and abandoned once again. No parents there for any major events at any time in my life. I felt like I was trying to do everything the way I was supposed to and it was never going to be good enough.

When I tell you trying to plan a wedding around all of that was one of the hardest things to do, I'm not lying. It's one of the happiest moments in your life brought down by so much pain and it knocks you off your feet and makes you feel like you can't even breathe.

Christina Aguilera- Stronger Than Ever

A few of the most amazing people did end up showing up though. I had an aunt and some cousins that had done nothing but support me from even before they met Jerimiah and my best friend, Noel. Her family also showed up and her dad walked me down the aisle.

Seeing Jerimiah at the end of that runner standing under the arch made all the pain melt away. All of that suddenly didn't matter anymore. The past was finally in the past and there was my perfect future. My beautiful babies standing below the arch next to him is an image I hope I never forget.

Calum Scott and Leona Lewis- You Are The Reason

We had come so far, and we had been through so much together and on our own. This is only my half of our story. His is a pretty wild ride as well. In the end, it really feels like we are both working on breaking a lot of generational curses and trying to be the best versions of ourselves.

I feel like everything I've gone through has really helped me discover myself... (I'm sure we could all say that). I know I love art and makeup. I know I love my kids and husband with a passion like I've never experienced before. I know that I am grateful to be exactly where I am and that I wouldn't change a single thing if it meant I wouldn't be here now. I know that I love music and singing. If I could offer anyone any type of advice it would be not to let the world make you mean. By all accounts, I feel like I should have no heart or empathy for anyone but I'm still- and probably always will be- as sensitive as can be. If you have that, don't ever let anyone take it from you. There's enough hard people in the world. Love and light through the darkest of times is a gift that isn't commonly given.

Lift Me Up